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  • We begin tonight with an update on the story we've been following all week.

  • Hannah Stevenson, a 16-year-old girl from Detroit accused of stabbing a classmate to

  • death with a screwdriver last month. At her arraignment this afternoon,

  • Hannah received the harshest possible sentencing from the judge.

  • She will be tried as a black adult.

  • Due to the extreme and violent nature of this crime this court finds it fitting to

  • try the defendant as an African-American.

  • Henceforth, you'll be referred to by the jury by the name Mendel Brown.

  • Once the trial begins next week all courtroom images of Hannah will depict

  • her as a 300-pound muscular black man and jury members will be instructed

  • to imagine her as such.

  • We're going to do our best to make sure that Hannah is treated with the sympathy

  • and sensitivity that she, as a photogenic white girl, deserves.

  • This is America. Nobody deserves to be treated as a black man.

  • Now that Hannah has been ruled black, the court has instructed local media

  • to assume she's guilty and the police have retroactively charged her

  • with her assaulting her arresting officer.

  • Hannah's two dozen character witnesses have been replaced by a single crack

  • addict who goes by the name of Scags. Hannah's parents are of course planning to

  • appeal the ruling saying that their daughter should at most be tried as

  • a black celebrity or a stunningly beautiful Filipino lady.

  • Every time I hear a story like that, it makes me so glad I'm exempt from the legal system.

  • When you follow FactZone's Brooke Alvarez you're following the news anchor with more

  • stalkers than any other major network onscreen personality.

  • If you are watching Brooke Alvarez, you're not alone.

  • FactZone on the Onion News Network.

We begin tonight with an update on the story we've been following all week.

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