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We begin tonight with an update on the story we've been following all week.
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Hannah Stevenson, a 16-year-old girl from Detroit accused of stabbing a classmate to
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death with a screwdriver last month. At her arraignment this afternoon,
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Hannah received the harshest possible sentencing from the judge.
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She will be tried as a black adult.
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Due to the extreme and violent nature of this crime this court finds it fitting to
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try the defendant as an African-American.
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Henceforth, you'll be referred to by the jury by the name Mendel Brown.
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Once the trial begins next week all courtroom images of Hannah will depict
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her as a 300-pound muscular black man and jury members will be instructed
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to imagine her as such.
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We're going to do our best to make sure that Hannah is treated with the sympathy
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and sensitivity that she, as a photogenic white girl, deserves.
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This is America. Nobody deserves to be treated as a black man.
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Now that Hannah has been ruled black, the court has instructed local media
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to assume she's guilty and the police have retroactively charged her
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with her assaulting her arresting officer.
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Hannah's two dozen character witnesses have been replaced by a single crack
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addict who goes by the name of Scags. Hannah's parents are of course planning to
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appeal the ruling saying that their daughter should at most be tried as
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a black celebrity or a stunningly beautiful Filipino lady.
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Every time I hear a story like that, it makes me so glad I'm exempt from the legal system.
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When you follow FactZone's Brooke Alvarez you're following the news anchor with more
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stalkers than any other major network onscreen personality.
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If you are watching Brooke Alvarez, you're not alone.
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FactZone on the Onion News Network.
