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  • Alright, ever since I was a kid, I'd get random nosebleeds.

  • Didn't matter where I was at the time, in the middle of class...

  • On an airplane...

  • Taking a shit in my grandpa's house...

  • You name it.

  • It would just happen randomly, I'd have no control over it.

  • And if I was at home, it was no big deal.

  • You just fashion yourself a little nose tampon out of toilet paper and you go about your day.

  • But what the fuck do you do, when you get a nosebleed at a public pool?

  • Panic, that's what you do!

  • Probably the worst possible place you can get a nosebleed!

  • Except, maybe, like like at a baptism or something.

  • "He's the Devil!"

  • So I'm at the pool with my cousin, and we're all amped up.

  • And we're about to jump in.

  • So I do this sweet Axel from the Street of Rage jump kick into the pool.

  • And when I rise to the top, blood just start gushing out of my nose!

  • Just a spontaneous nosebleed in the middle of a fucking public pool!

  • Jesus Christ, I'd rather shit in the pool than bleed in it.

  • I'd rather spell my name the pool than get a nosebleed!

  • Everybody's rushing out of the pool, like the water's on fire.

  • I climb out to the side, all lightheaded and shit.

  • "Somebody kill me! I need a...fucking...blood transfusion! I'm O-positive!"

  • "Ah, God! If I die at this pool...Somebody's gotta take care of my Tamagotchi I got at home."

  • Then this dude comes out of the middle of nowhere.

  • And smashes, like, fifty napkins on my face.

  • "What happened? Did you get shot in the face? I think somebody shot him in the face!"

  • "Do you have AIDS? On a scale of one to ten how much AIDS do you have?"

  • The whole pool is totally evacuated at this point.

  • We got those hazmat people from ET coming in.

  • I'm half-conscious from blood loss.

  • The pool looks like the beaches of Normandy, everybody's weekend's ruined.

  • And I'm like, "Oh, come on! There's chlorine in the pool for a reason!"

  • "Jesus Christ, I pissed in the pool a couple weeks ago, nobody even cared."

  • "Now there's a couple of quarts of human blood in there and everybody wants to freak out!"

  • Never went back to that pool after that.

  • I don't think I was welcome.

  • They're like: "Woah, buddy! I know we're a public pool and all."

  • "But we have to have some kind of fucking standards!"

  • "You can piss in there, maybe even a half a shit."

  • "But we're not doing any nasty nose blood."

  • "We don't want hepatitis, alright."

Alright, ever since I was a kid, I'd get random nosebleeds.

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