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Alright, ever since I was a kid, I'd get random nosebleeds.
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Didn't matter where I was at the time, in the middle of class...
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On an airplane...
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Taking a shit in my grandpa's house...
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You name it.
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It would just happen randomly, I'd have no control over it.
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And if I was at home, it was no big deal.
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You just fashion yourself a little nose tampon out of toilet paper and you go about your day.
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But what the fuck do you do, when you get a nosebleed at a public pool?
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Panic, that's what you do!
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Probably the worst possible place you can get a nosebleed!
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Except, maybe, like a...church like at a baptism or something.
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"He's the Devil!"
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So I'm at the pool with my cousin, and we're all amped up.
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And we're about to jump in.
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So I do this sweet Axel from the Street of Rage jump kick into the pool.
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And when I rise to the top, blood just start gushing out of my nose!
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Just a spontaneous nosebleed in the middle of a fucking public pool!
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Jesus Christ, I'd rather shit in the pool than bleed in it.
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I'd rather spell my name out...in turds...in the pool than get a nosebleed!
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Everybody's rushing out of the pool, like the water's on fire.
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I climb out to the side, all lightheaded and shit.
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"Somebody kill me! I need a...fucking...blood transfusion! I'm O-positive!"
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"Ah, God! If I die at this pool...Somebody's gotta take care of my Tamagotchi I got at home."
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Then this dude comes out of the middle of nowhere.
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And smashes, like, fifty napkins on my face.
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"What happened? Did you get shot in the face? I think somebody shot him in the face!"
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"Do you have AIDS? On a scale of one to ten how much AIDS do you have?"
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The whole pool is totally evacuated at this point.
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We got those hazmat people from ET coming in.
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I'm half-conscious from blood loss.
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The pool looks like the beaches of Normandy, everybody's weekend's ruined.
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And I'm like, "Oh, come on! There's chlorine in the pool for a reason!"
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"Jesus Christ, I pissed in the pool a couple weeks ago, nobody even cared."
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"Now there's a couple of quarts of human blood in there and everybody wants to freak out!"
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Never went back to that pool after that.
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I don't think I was welcome.
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They're like: "Woah, buddy! I know we're a public pool and all."
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"But we have to have some kind of fucking standards!"
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"You can piss in there, maybe even a half a shit."
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"But we're not doing any nasty nose blood."
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"We don't want hepatitis, alright."
