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  • I wanna be the best.

  • I wanna be number one.

  • That's right.

  • Keith first.

  • - Keith first. - Keith first.

  • (laughs)

  • I want to be number one.

  • Today we're gonna eat like Donald Trump

  • for all of our meals.

  • Mm-hmm.

  • For breakfast, we have an Egg McMuffin

  • and a Diet Coke with a straw

  • and no coffee.

  • (somber music)

  • (groans)

  • It's good.

  • How many Diet Cokes?

  • Are we having one with every meal?

  • You're having twelve.

  • What, I'm not drinking 12.

  • I don't drink 12 glasses of water.

  • Uh uh.

  • Does he just have it, like, in an IV bag?

  • (burps) (sighs)

  • I've eaten half of this and I wanna take a nap.

  • This truly is fine dining.

  • Mm-hm

  • You know, it's fine.

  • Think we're gonna go get back to work

  • and then we'll come back

  • and have some delicious lunch.

  • I'm excited.

  • How are you drinking that?

  • I hate myself.

  • (lively horn music)

  • Sir...

  • - Please enjoy. - What the fuck is this?

  • Why bother drinking a sugar-free beverage if you're just gonna eat sugar next to it?

  • How is it?

  • Dry...like my soul.

  • Well, it's lunchtime.

  • Lunch.

  • We had our three cookie snack.

  • Mm-hmm, delicious.

  • I've got two Diet Cokes on my table.

  • What have we got today for lunch?

  • Okay.

  • (lively horn music)

  • - Wow. - Wow.

  • Wow.

  • Two Big Macs, two fish fillets.

  • Remove bread from sandwiches,

  • add lots of ketchup,

  • eat with knife and fork

  • or

  • pizza.

  • Scrape all toppings off and only eat that,

  • eat with knife and fork.

  • No, no,

  • - Why are you taking my bread? - Wait, what?

  • Why get a Big Mac if you take the bread away?

  • That's kind of the special part of the Big Mac.

  • I'm taking that lettuce back.

  • No, Aria don't do it.

  • Oh, God.

  • No!

  • Look at how he gooped out

  • all the ketchup into little dollops.

  • It's cute but it's aggressive.

  • No, I'm hungry.

  • That's like nothing.

  • This is not a meal.

  • It's a beautiful treat.

  • No, you're taking the bread away.

  • No.

  • How can you eat things like this?

  • You want this?

  • Thank you.

  • This is how babies eat.

  • - That's a large baby. - This is what babies eat.

  • This is how babies eat.

  • Babies eat ketchup

  • and they eat frozen food that's been baked.

  • Do we have any more?

  • Alright that's enough sludge after this, monsieur.

  • I think you need more. You just need one more.

  • No more, no sir, no thank you, sir.

  • There's so much ketchup on my plate.

  • You want more ketchup?

  • No.

  • I'm fucking hungry, okay.

  • I'm sorry for being very aggressive right now in this moment.

  • I need

  • the

  • fucking food.

  • Like, I'm not full.

  • You ate a lot, though and I'm proud of you.

  • (burps)

  • (laughing)

  • - My nose is running. - He's going through a lot.

  • He's going through a lot.

  • Oh, my God, why is this happening?

  • Aria, Aria.

  • Blow, blow, that's good.

  • I am baby.

  • (burps)

  • You're killing my friend.

  • Well, we'll see you in a little bit

  • when you bring us some more delicious food.

  • Bye.

  • Need some water.

  • You want some Diet Coke?

  • No.

  • (lively horn music)

  • It's the middle of the work day and I still have all of these fucking Diet Cokes. I feel like shit. I wonder how Keith's doing.

  • Feel like garbage.

  • I got a headache.

  • Can't have any more Diet Coke, I'm gonna die.

  • Excuse me, sir. Your afternoon Diet Cokes.

  • (groans)

  • What?

  • (lively horn music)

  • (can snaps)

  • (lively horn music)

  • I really just really need some water.

  • I will get you some water.

  • I haven't had any water.

  • Well, does Trump drink water?

  • Thank you.

  • (slurps loudly)

  • It's dinner time.

  • It's dinner time.

  • (lively horn music)

  • (surprised exclaiming)

  • Well-done steak with tureens of gravy,

  • bacon crumble salad

  • to be slathered with roquefort dressing.

  • I'm a ranch bitch.

  • I'm also a ranch bitch.

  • I haven't had a well-done steak in over a decade.

  • How much sauce does this guy ingest?

  • You've turned my plate into a gravy boat.

  • The steak might be floating at this point,

  • there's so much gravy.

  • This is like a decent meal at my auntie's house.

  • Your Aunt Keith's house?

  • Auntie.

  • Oh.

  • You can be my Aunt Keith if you want.

  • I would love to be Aunt Keith.

  • That'd be great.

  • Oh my God, lil' aunt.

  • Come on in, I'm cooking something for you.

  • Is your friend coming tonight for dinner?

  • Okay, I'll make a little extra.

  • I mean, the steak is actually pretty good.

  • Oh, God, oh, God.

  • This isn't that bad to me.

  • Aw, you're crushing that steak.

  • I'm starving.

  • So do you want dessert?

  • Hell fucking yeah.

  • The dessert is chocolate cream pie

  • and add two scoops of ice cream.

  • Just dump it out, just dump the bowl.

  • Just yeah, yeah, pour more liquid on my food, Aria.

  • I'm gonna fucking kill the intern.

  • (can snaps)

  • Goddammit.

  • If you don't even see me take one sip

  • out of a new one that you gave me,

  • why would you give me another one?

  • (straw clicking)

  • I'm pretending this is wine.

  • What a time we had today.

  • I haven't peed.

  • You need to go home

  • and you get a big jug, a big bowl--

  • You know what I always say,

  • "Go home, have a bowl of water."

  • Drink some water.

  • Have like a kale smoothie in the mornings.

  • Well, we'll see you next time on

  • We Eat Like A World Leader.

  • (laughs)

  • (choir music)

  • I just wanted to let you know that

  • last night at about 1:30

  • I had severe stomach pains and then proceeded

  • to fully shit my brains out.

  • I am so sorry.

  • It's okay, I just wanted you to know.

  • I hope we're still friends.

  • We are, it's cool, it's chill.

  • It's not the worst thing I've put in my body either.

  • (On March 2, 2018, reports emerged that Trump had begun eating healthier on doctor's orders.)

  • America, America

  • God shed his grace on thee

I wanna be the best.

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