Three months.

Three months?

OK--

Fresh.

Fresh, (LAUGHING) fresh out the body.

[LAUGHTER]

So you have a three-month-old, and then

how old is the first one?

A two-year-old.

And boy, that's a lot.

It's a lot.

And the two-year-old was very jealous at first.

Oh yeah, there they are.

The internet is a lie, that's not how my life really is.

[LAUGHTER]

The two-year-old was so jealous at first.

And when my--

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, there we go.

That's real life.

That's real life.

[LAUGHTER]

When the new baby came, my toddler was like, mama.

She wanted to be a baby all over again.

She was like, I want to drink milk from your boobies.

[LAUGHTER]

And I was like, the fact that you

can complete that entire sentence disqualifies you.

[LAUGHTER]

That and your full set of teeth.

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, having a two-year-old is really hard.

I feel like I'm in a relationship

with an emotionally unstable woman who

is also physically abusive and never gets in trouble for it.

She kicked me in the neck today for rationing her Thin Mint

intake.

[LAUGHTER]

So any time you see pictures of us smiling,

(WHISPERING it's lies.

It's a lie?

Yeah.

Your whole thing on breastfeeding is hilar--

I was crying laughing.

I was crying, it's so hilarious.

And so you have two kids now.

And I was joking about it being a thing,

but will you have more, do you think?

No, I'm done.

You are?

I love being a mom, and I like having two kids.

But I've had two C-sections and I have suffered enough.

That's my favorite mantra when it comes to motherhood.

I have suffered enough.

Whenever I feel mom guilt, or when I feel pressure

to be a better mom, to cook salmon

on a bed of quinoa for my kids, I just think to myself,

I have suffered enough.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, and then I feel--

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah, it's enough.

And then I feel fine about feeding my toddler

a bag of chips for dinner.

Yeah.

You know, so I had a C-section, and that's major,

major surgery.

Yeah!

And one of my friends was pressuring me to not

take painkillers for fear that some of the medication

would pass through the breast milk.

And I was like, thank you, but I have suffered enough.

[LAUGHTER]

And it was fine.

The Vicodin helped the baby sleep better.

Yes!

[LAUGHTER]

Smart, smart.

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah.

Oh, you're so funny.

Your husband is actually--

what does he do for a living?

He is the vice president of this like, multimillion dollar tech

company.

OK.

Yeah.

And yet when you are on tour, he sells your merch?

Yes!

OK.

Because I have to lure him to coming with me.

And it's like it's become this fun eccentric hobby of his

to sell posters after the show.

And I talk a lot about him in my act,

so it's like this kind of meet and greet,

because I don't go out there.

And he sells posters, and he wears like, workout gear.

He wears a towel, because he's like sweating.

Do you have a picture of him selling posters?

Yes, it's huge.

Look at that sea of humanity!

That's a lot of--

That's him in the white shirt, and there's

just like a sea of humanity coming at him.

And then there's some women who proposition him.

Yes, and I'm like, bullsh-- aren't

you supposed to be my fan?

Yeah!

[LAUGHTER]

You coming to snatch my husband?

Oh, my god!

Yeah!

But, you know.

They proposition him after watching your show

and going to get your poster? (LAUGHING) Yeah.

That's unbelievable.

But he's just like, sure, yeah, I'll go on a date with you,

and just takes their money.

Oh my.

He's like, next.

That's hilarious.

All right, so you have two Netflix specials,

and yet you do not have a Netflix account?

No.

I'm still like, super-duper cheap.

Because I was like, so poor for so long

and struggling as a comic, that I just can't let go.

So I will probably-- unless they give me one--

I'm never probably going to get my own account.

See, I was poor growing up, and I had the opposite effect.

Because when I was poor, and I just was like,

I am never going to have that attitude about money.

I am always going to just get what I want.

I'm going to do what I want.

Because I know there's an abundance,

and I will always have enough.

And that's how I live my life.

You shouldn't live your life in fear of money,

because you're going to manifest that.

But I am going to give you a year's subscription to Netflix.

(YELLING) Oh yeah!

[CHEERING]

But I don't know where it is.

I don't have it.

[APPLAUSE]

I don't have that, but also--

Amazing.

You flash your underwear.

And so the next time you're going to do that--

Thank you!

All right.

But no, I don't have it.

But I am going to give you a year's subscription.

Was it on top of the underwear?

What?

Was it on top of the underwear?

Andy, no?

[LAUGHTER]

[INAUDIBLE]

OK, Andy.

We have another one coming.

OK, great.

Smooth as can be here.

Ali Wong, Hard Knock Life will be available Mother's Day, May

13th on Netflix.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, I'm Andy.

Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel

so you can see more awesome videos, like videos

of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things,

like ball peen hammer.

And also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities,

if you're into that sort of thing.

[SCREAMING]

Ah!

[BLEEP] God [BLEEP]!