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Emotional Blackmail and FOG, terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward,
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PhD, are about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear,
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obligation or guilt are the transactional dynamics at play between
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the controller and the person being controlled. Understanding these dynamics
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are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior
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of another person, and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are
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uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.
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General The first known documented use of
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"emotional blackmail" appeared in 1947 in the Journal of the National
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Association of Deans of Women . "Emotional Blackmail Climate" was used
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to describe one type of problematic classroom control model often used by
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teachers. Emotional blackmail typically involves
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two people who have established a close personal or intimate relationship.
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Children, too, will employ special pleading and emotional blackmail to
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promote their own interests, and self-development, within the family
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system. Emotional blackmailers use fear,
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obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that others feel
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afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and swamped by guilt if
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they resist. Knowing that someone close to them wants love, approval or
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confirmation of identity and self-esteem, blackmailers may threaten
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to withhold them or take them away altogether, making the person feel they
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must earn them by agreement. Fear, obligation or guilt is commonly referred
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to as "FOG". FOG is a contrived acronym—a play on the word fog which
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describes something that obscures and confuses a situation or someone's
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thought processes. The person who is acting in a
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controlling way often wants something from the other person that is legitimate
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to want. They may want to feel loved, safe, valuable, appreciated, supported,
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needed, etc. This is not the problem. The problem is often more a matter of
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how they are going about getting what they want, or that they are insensitive
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to others needs in doing so that is troubling - and how others react to all
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of this. Under pressure... one may become a sort
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of hostage, forced to act under pressure of the threat of responsibility for the
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other's breakdown. and could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer
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control his/her decisions and behavior, lost in what Doris Lessing described as
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"a sort of psychological fog". Types
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Forward and Frazier identify four blackmail types each with their own
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mental manipulation style: There are different levels of demands...
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demands that are of little consequence, demands that involve important issues or
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personal integrity, demands that affect major life decisions, and/or demands
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that are dangerous or illegal. Patterns and characteristics
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= Addictions= Addicts often believe that being in
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control is how to achieve success and happiness in life. People who follow
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this rule use it as a survival skill, having usually learned it in childhood.
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As long as they make the rules, no one can back them into a corner with their
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feelings. = Mental Illness=
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People with certain mental conditions are predisposed to controlling behavior
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including those with obsessive compulsive disorder, paranoid
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personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic
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personality disorder People with borderline personality
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disorder are particularly likely to use emotional blackmail,. However, their
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actions may be impulsive and driven by fear and a desperate sense of
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hopelessness, rather than being the product of any conscious plan.
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= Codependency= Codependency often involves placing a
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lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the
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needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including
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family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community
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relationships. = Affluenza and children=
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Affluenza — the status insecurity derived from obsessively keeping up with
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the Joneses — has been linked by Oliver James to a pattern of childhood training
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whereby sufferers were "subjected to a form of emotional blackmail as toddlers.
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Their mothers' love becomes conditional on exhibiting behaviour that achieved
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parental goals." = Assertiveness movement, training=
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Assertiveness training encourages people to not engage in fruitless
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back-and-forths or power struggles with the emotional blackmailer but instead to
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repeat a neutral statement, such as "I can see how you feel that way," or "No
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thank you, I'm not hungry." They are taught to keep their statements within
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certain boundaries in order not to capitulate to coercive nagging,
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emotional blackmail, or bullying. Recovery
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Techniques for resisting emotional blackmail, including strengthening
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personal boundaries, resisting demands, developing a power statement – the
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determination to stand the pressure — and buying time to break old patterns:
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she accepted nonetheless that re-connecting with the autonomous parts
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of the self the blackmailer had over-ruled was not necessarily easy. One
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may for instance feel guilty even while recognizing the guilt as induced and
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irrational; but still be able to resist overcompensating, and ignore the
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blackmailer's attempt to gain attention by way of a tantrum.
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Consistently ignoring the manipulation in a friendly way may however lead to
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its intensification, and threats of separation, or to accusations of being
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crazy or a home wrecker. Cultural examples
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Angela Carter described Beauty and the Beast as glorifying emotional blackmail
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on the part of the Beast, as a means of controlling his target, Beauty.
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Doris Lessing claimed that “I became an expert in emotional blackmail by the
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time I was five" Criticism
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Daniel Miller objects that in popular psychology the idea of emotional
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blackmail has been misused as a defense against any form of fellow-feeling or
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consideration for others. Labeling of this dynamic with
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inflammatory terms such as "blackmail" and "manipulation" may not be so helpful
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as it is both polarizing and it implies premeditation and malicious intent which
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is often not the case. Controlling behavior and being controlled is a
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transaction between two people with both playing a part.
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See also References
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External links