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Gottman and Gottman, a married couple and a pair of relationship researchers are famous for predicting with 94% accuracy which couples are gonna last together or not.
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All from just observing the couple in conversation for 15 minutes.
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I have talked about Gottman and Gottman before.
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Particularly about their findings of the four telltale signs that your relationship is doomed— criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
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But Gottman and Gottman also have the inverse, what's known as the golden relationship ratio.
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The magic ratio for stable couple done.
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So the golden relationship ratio states that in happy couples, every negative interaction needs at least five positive ones to offset it.
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In order to tell if the magic ratio in your relationship is imbalanced,
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"G&G" recommend paying attention to and even writing down how you and your partner interact with each other.
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For every negative interaction, are there several positive interactions afterward?
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And if you take note, literally take note of each exchange within a day, are you exceeding the 5:1 ratio positive to negative?
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So, unhappy couples, they say tend to display a lot of the negative behaviors like criticism, bad feedback, unappreciation, lack of affection or even just like uninterested behavior.
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And their negative interactions usually way outweigh the positive one.
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So let's say you are, you've done this, you like took notes in your journal every single day and you're like, "Oh God! I don't have the magic relationship ratio!"
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And you're skewing negative.
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How do you increase the positives in your relationship?
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Well, Gottman and Gottman recommend six key things.
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One. Show interest in your partner.
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Are you really listening?
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Are you showing that you're listening?
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Are you interested in what they have to say?
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Are you providing intentional compliments? And can you find opportunities to agree and engage on common ground?
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Two. Show affection.
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Whether it's physical words of affirmations, smiling, helping with chores or just doing something thoughtful.
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Three. Lighten things up!
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Be playful. Joke. Enjoy each other's company.
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Can you guys have fun together?
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Can you plan a date for you both to enjoy?
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Four. Show them they matter.
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When they're upset or excited about something, are you supportive or encouraging?
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Are you showing care and concern verbally and emotionally?
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Are you empathizing with them, acknowledging and validating their feelings?
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Gottman and Gottman say that aiming to increase your positive interactions by being intentional in your communication and engagement works wonders,
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and rebalancing your relationship's magic golden ratio!
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And I also think that what they, what they have found is very applicable to friendships, relationships with family, your pet, like any kind of relationship at all.
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We all want to have more positive interactions than negative ones.
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And obviously this does not mean like be conflict-avoidant or be fake or self-betrayed just to make sure you're having a positive interaction on the surface.
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Because in fact doing any of those things will probably inherently make the interaction negative. Because now you're being a dishonest liar.
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But since hearing about the golden relationship ratio, I've been making more of an effort to be intentional in my relationship and to aim to create positive interactions.
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Like "Am I putting my phone down while my partner is talking?"
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"Am I asking question about something that's very clearly important to them?"
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"Am I being supportive and encouraging? And most of all, present?"
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Since becoming more aware of this, I realize how many times I've just let bids for connection kind of like fly over my head.
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So now I'm making a real effort to spot them, to catch them in mid-air, and to create a more positive, fun, playful environment for any human in my life.
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Because most of the time I'm a goblin, so thank you Gottman!
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I'm working on it.
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Yeah, I'm Anna Akana.
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