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  • Gottman and Gottman, a married couple and a pair of relationship researchers are famous for predicting with 94% accuracy which couples are gonna last together or not.

  • All from just observing the couple in conversation for 15 minutes.

  • I have talked about Gottman and Gottman before.

  • Particularly about their findings of the four telltale signs that your relationship is doomedcriticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

  • But Gottman and Gottman also have the inverse, what's known as the golden relationship ratio.

  • The magic ratio for stable couple done.

  • So the golden relationship ratio states that in happy couples, every negative interaction needs at least five positive ones to offset it.

  • In order to tell if the magic ratio in your relationship is imbalanced,

  • "G&G" recommend paying attention to and even writing down how you and your partner interact with each other.

  • For every negative interaction, are there several positive interactions afterward?

  • And if you take note, literally take note of each exchange within a day, are you exceeding the 5:1 ratio positive to negative?

  • So, unhappy couples, they say tend to display a lot of the negative behaviors like criticism, bad feedback, unappreciation, lack of affection or even just like uninterested behavior.

  • And their negative interactions usually way outweigh the positive one.

  • So let's say you are, you've done this, you like took notes in your journal every single day and you're like, "Oh God! I don't have the magic relationship ratio!"

  • And you're skewing negative.

  • How do you increase the positives in your relationship?

  • Well, Gottman and Gottman recommend six key things.

  • One. Show interest in your partner.

  • Are you really listening?

  • Are you showing that you're listening?

  • Are you interested in what they have to say?

  • Are you providing intentional compliments? And can you find opportunities to agree and engage on common ground?

  • Two. Show affection.

  • Whether it's physical words of affirmations, smiling, helping with chores or just doing something thoughtful.

  • Three. Lighten things up!

  • Be playful. Joke. Enjoy each other's company.

  • Can you guys have fun together?

  • Can you plan a date for you both to enjoy?

  • Four. Show them they matter.

  • When they're upset or excited about something, are you supportive or encouraging?

  • Are you showing care and concern verbally and emotionally?

  • Are you empathizing with them, acknowledging and validating their feelings?

  • Gottman and Gottman say that aiming to increase your positive interactions by being intentional in your communication and engagement works wonders,

  • and rebalancing your relationship's magic golden ratio!

  • And I also think that what they, what they have found is very applicable to friendships, relationships with family, your pet, like any kind of relationship at all.

  • We all want to have more positive interactions than negative ones.

  • And obviously this does not mean like be conflict-avoidant or be fake or self-betrayed just to make sure you're having a positive interaction on the surface.

  • Because in fact doing any of those things will probably inherently make the interaction negative. Because now you're being a dishonest liar.

  • But since hearing about the golden relationship ratio, I've been making more of an effort to be intentional in my relationship and to aim to create positive interactions.

  • Like "Am I putting my phone down while my partner is talking?"

  • "Am I asking question about something that's very clearly important to them?"

  • "Am I being supportive and encouraging? And most of all, present?"

  • Since becoming more aware of this, I realize how many times I've just let bids for connection kind of like fly over my head.

  • So now I'm making a real effort to spot them, to catch them in mid-air, and to create a more positive, fun, playful environment for any human in my life.

  • Because most of the time I'm a goblin, so thank you Gottman!

  • I'm working on it.

  • Yeah, I'm Anna Akana.

  • Thanking the patriots who supported today's video and as always, thank you to my father "SQUARESPACE" for sponsoring today's episode.

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Gottman and Gottman, a married couple and a pair of relationship researchers are famous for predicting with 94% accuracy which couples are gonna last together or not.

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The Golden Relationship Ratio

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    林宜悉 posted on 2022/07/19
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