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  • (beep)

  • (sigh) Okay.

  • (heavy breathing)

  • My name is Jordan Schwartz

  • comedian and amateur documentarian.

  • And today is my first day of quarantine.

  • (metal slam)

  • But don't worry.

  • I'm still the funny guy you've all come to know and love.

  • I am going to keep you guys save and sane

  • during this tough time.

  • I've got you guys.

  • But how are you gonna do that, Jordan?

  • Easy.

  • I had $3,000 saved up from my bar mitzvah.

  • (ching)

  • So I donated that money

  • to Amazon.com

  • to buy quarantine snacks and better film equipment.

  • With this, I can make content that will keep everybody sane

  • with joyous laughter.

  • I, Jordan Schwartz,

  • am going to save the world.

  • (bells chime)

  • Imagine there's no Heaven

  • Pretty cool, huh?

  • I, uh, wrote that song.

  • (mellow music)

  • (sigh)

  • Look at these comments.

  • Someone said I'm out of touch.

  • My video meant so much to them

  • that they wanted to reach out and touch me

  • but couldn't because of corona.

  • They're out of touch.

  • Well, jamieplow09, I'm out to touch you, too.

  • (metal slam)

  • So it's Day Two of quarantine.

  • I'm still doing great, obviously.

  • I feel good.

  • But I'm going to reach out

  • to my best friend Rachel Mathis

  • to see how she's doing.

  • Hopefully I don't have to cut this part out

  • since Rachel has, like, a huge crush on me.

  • So hopefully she doesn't ask me to, like,

  • take my shirt off or anything weird like that.

  • (ringing)

  • - Hey! Rachel it's Jordan.

  • - No.

  • (slam)

  • (disconnect beep)

  • - Rachel?

  • Wow. She must be taking isolation pretty hard.

  • I'll try my next closest friend.

  • (ringing)

  • - Hello?

  • - Hey Mr. Grotch. It's me, Jordan, your favorite -

  • - How'd you get my number?

  • Jordan, go away!

  • (disconnect beep)

  • (drum beats)

  • Do you hear that?

  • Mr. Grotch is super impressed

  • with my detective work I used

  • to get his phone number.

  • Not a big deal.

  • (sneezes)

  • (metal slam)

  • Okay so it's just past two,

  • and literally the worst thing that could ever happen

  • in the whole world

  • just happened to me.

  • I tested positive

  • for being banned from Twitter and Instagram,

  • all for posting a couple of super funny,

  • hilarious prank videos

  • that people deemed reckless, dangerous and

  • irresponsible.

  • - Yo! I heard Jordan Schwartz was walking up to people

  • trying to shake their hands.

  • He thought it would be funny to freak them out

  • 'cause they don't wanna catch corona!

  • - Okay, first off,

  • pranks aren't dangerous if they make good content.

  • Secondly, I was only spreading

  • the most infectious disease on the planet.

  • Laughter.

  • So I got banned.

  • Whatever.

  • I don't need social media to survive quarantine.

  • In fact, I don't even need the internet at all,

  • all right?

  • Airplane mode.

  • I'm fine.

  • You know what?

  • Jordan Schwartz is off the grid.

  • I'm gonna be completely fine.

  • Completely fine.

  • I'll be just fine.

  • (solemn choral music)

  • (metal slam)

  • So it's been about two hours without internet

  • and I'm definitely starting to spiral a little bit

  • but I figured something out.

  • Okay, what people need to do right now is survive

  • but they need to see someone else do it.

  • A hero that will rise up and guide them

  • through this difficult time.

  • And that's where I come in.

  • I'm the hero that rises out of the dust.

  • If I survive this, other people will see that

  • and they'll go, "Look at Jordan Schwartz!

  • "Look what he did.

  • "He made it through."

  • And they will look to me as a guiding light.

  • I can do this.

  • I have to

  • for humanity.

  • (metal slam)

  • I've watched a lot of survival shows

  • which means I'm pretty much an expert at this point.

  • And the first rule of survival is stay hydrated.

  • Dehydration is a real killer

  • which is why I'm going to drink my own pee.

  • But Jordan,

  • why don't you just drink the tap water?

  • Well Rachel,

  • if drinking tap water was part of survival

  • I think Bear Grylls would do it, huh?

  • But Bear Grylls drinks his own pee.

  • So I'm going to drink my own pee.

  • (sips)

  • (spits)

  • (coughs)

  • I think maybe I need to drink Bear Grylls' pee?

  • (metal slam)

  • So nightfall is approaching

  • and I need to build a fire or I will certainly freeze

  • as it gets darker.

  • So I cut off the sleeves of my hoodie

  • to use as kindling

  • and I'm going to rub these sticks together

  • that I found

  • (slapping sticks)

  • to hopefully generate some heat,

  • maybe get some sparks

  • and have a bonfire going by midnight.

  • (sighs)

  • (metal slam)

  • No luck making a fire tonight

  • but I think I'll be okay.

  • I'm gonna try again tomorrow.

  • For the time being I found a small little clearing

  • where I can sleep and hopefully not freeze in the night.

  • (shivers)

  • (car alarm beeping)

  • (metal slam)

  • (heavy breathing)

  • (eerie music)

  • I woke up in the middle of the night.

  • There's some sort of noise.

  • I'm not sure what it is.

  • I think it might be like, a bear

  • or a wolf.

  • But I keep hearing this noise.

  • (gurgling noise)

  • Do you hear that?

  • Is there a bear in this house?

  • Hello?

  • Is there a bear out here?

  • (gurgling noise)

  • (beep)

  • (beep)

  • (breathing heavily)

  • (beep)

  • (breathing heavily)

  • There it is again!

  • So I never figured out what that noise was.

  • I think it might have been a bear

  • or like, a smoke monster or something.

  • But the weird thing is that