(sigh) Okay.

(heavy breathing)

My name is Jordan Schwartz

comedian and amateur documentarian.

And today is my first day of quarantine.

(metal slam)

But don't worry.

I'm still the funny guy you've all come to know and love.

I am going to keep you guys save and sane

during this tough time.

I've got you guys.

But how are you gonna do that, Jordan?

Easy.

I had $3,000 saved up from my bar mitzvah.

(ching)

So I donated that money

to Amazon.com

to buy quarantine snacks and better film equipment.

With this, I can make content that will keep everybody sane

with joyous laughter.

I, Jordan Schwartz,

am going to save the world.

(bells chime)

♪ Imagine there's no Heaven ♪

Pretty cool, huh?

I, uh, wrote that song.

(mellow music)

(sigh)

Look at these comments.

Someone said I'm out of touch.

My video meant so much to them

that they wanted to reach out and touch me

but couldn't because of corona.

They're out of touch.

Well, jamieplow09, I'm out to touch you, too.

(metal slam)

So it's Day Two of quarantine.

I'm still doing great, obviously.

I feel good.

But I'm going to reach out

to my best friend Rachel Mathis

to see how she's doing.

Hopefully I don't have to cut this part out

since Rachel has, like, a huge crush on me.

So hopefully she doesn't ask me to, like,

take my shirt off or anything weird like that.

(ringing)

- Hey! Rachel it's Jordan.

- No.

(slam)

(disconnect beep)

- Rachel?

Wow. She must be taking isolation pretty hard.

I'll try my next closest friend.

(ringing)

- Hello?

- Hey Mr. Grotch. It's me, Jordan, your favorite -

- How'd you get my number?

Jordan, go away!

(disconnect beep)

(drum beats)

Do you hear that?

Mr. Grotch is super impressed

with my detective work I used

to get his phone number.

Not a big deal.

(sneezes)

(metal slam)

Okay so it's just past two,

and literally the worst thing that could ever happen

in the whole world

just happened to me.

I tested positive

for being banned from Twitter and Instagram,

all for posting a couple of super funny,

hilarious prank videos

that people deemed reckless, dangerous and

irresponsible.

- Yo! I heard Jordan Schwartz was walking up to people

trying to shake their hands.

He thought it would be funny to freak them out

'cause they don't wanna catch corona!

- Okay, first off,

pranks aren't dangerous if they make good content.

Secondly, I was only spreading

the most infectious disease on the planet.

Laughter.

So I got banned.

Whatever.

I don't need social media to survive quarantine.

In fact, I don't even need the internet at all,

all right?

Airplane mode.

I'm fine.

You know what?

Jordan Schwartz is off the grid.

I'm gonna be completely fine.

Completely fine.

I'll be just fine.

(solemn choral music)

(metal slam)

So it's been about two hours without internet

and I'm definitely starting to spiral a little bit

but I figured something out.

Okay, what people need to do right now is survive

but they need to see someone else do it.

A hero that will rise up and guide them

through this difficult time.

And that's where I come in.

I'm the hero that rises out of the dust.

If I survive this, other people will see that

and they'll go, "Look at Jordan Schwartz!

"Look what he did.

"He made it through."

And they will look to me as a guiding light.

I can do this.

I have to

for humanity.

(metal slam)

I've watched a lot of survival shows

which means I'm pretty much an expert at this point.

And the first rule of survival is stay hydrated.

Dehydration is a real killer

which is why I'm going to drink my own pee.

But Jordan,

why don't you just drink the tap water?

Well Rachel,

if drinking tap water was part of survival

I think Bear Grylls would do it, huh?

But Bear Grylls drinks his own pee.

So I'm going to drink my own pee.

(sips)

(spits)

(coughs)

I think maybe I need to drink Bear Grylls' pee?

(metal slam)

So nightfall is approaching

and I need to build a fire or I will certainly freeze

as it gets darker.

So I cut off the sleeves of my hoodie

to use as kindling

and I'm going to rub these sticks together

that I found

(slapping sticks)

to hopefully generate some heat,

maybe get some sparks

and have a bonfire going by midnight.

(sighs)

(metal slam)

No luck making a fire tonight

but I think I'll be okay.

I'm gonna try again tomorrow.

For the time being I found a small little clearing

where I can sleep and hopefully not freeze in the night.

(shivers)

(car alarm beeping)

(metal slam)

(heavy breathing)

(eerie music)

I woke up in the middle of the night.

There's some sort of noise.

I'm not sure what it is.

I think it might be like, a bear

or a wolf.

But I keep hearing this noise.

(gurgling noise)

Do you hear that?

Is there a bear in this house?

Hello?

Is there a bear out here?

(gurgling noise)

(beep)

(beep)

(breathing heavily)

(beep)

(breathing heavily)

There it is again!

So I never figured out what that noise was.

I think it might have been a bear

or like, a smoke monster or something.

But the weird thing is that

as soon as I ate some food

the growling went away.

Before I ate some food, tons of growling.

After, none.

(metal slam)

I realized today is April 1st.

(solemn female singing)

April Fools' Day.

Literally the most important day of the whole year for me.

It's like, if Christmas and Easter

had a baby.

People look forward to my pranks.

I've had some classic ones.

Spaghetti prank.

Water prank.

Fart prank.

People aren't gonna know what to do without my pranks.

God I miss them.

My pranks I mean.

This has gotta be the toughest holiday in all of history.

I don't know what I did to deserve this.

(sniffs)

I just, this is the toughest thing

any human's ever gone through.

(metal slam)

(quirky native music)

I think insanity is starting to set in.

(whistles)

(whispers) who are you?

(metal slam)

(heavy breathing)

Hey guys. Pull my finger.

Ew, no.

You're just gonna fart.

I don't like the smell of farts!

No guys, it's not a fart prank.

Just do it.

Ew Jordan.

There's no way I'm going to do that.

Do it!

Just do it. It's gonna be fine.

Just do it.

(growls) Do it!

Do it!

Oh my God Jordan

If I pull your finger will you shut up?

Yes.

(laughs)

Fine.

See?

I didn't fart.

Okay then what's that smell?

Yeah, oh my god! It smells so bad!

I (beep) myself four days ago!

(laugh)

Pranked! You guys got pranked.

I (beep) myself!

(laughs insanely)

You got so pranked!

(screeches) You got so pranked!

(coughs)

Ugh.

(growls) You're pranked.

You got pranked.

You got pranked.

Good afternoooon.

(insane laughter)

(groans)

Ahhh!

(metal slam)

(metal slam)

(metal slam)

(shower spraying)

(upbeat music)

- So yeah, the quarantine has been over

for about five weeks now.

We were gonna tell Jordan after a couple of days

but it's just been so nice without him.

- Yeah the faculty just though it would be safer

for everyone if Jordan just stayed at home.

Why, is he okay?

- [Narrator] The last footage we got of him

was him (beep) himself.

- Ah. Yeah that sounds about right.

Well we'll just tell him that the quarantine's lifted

next week?

- Next week, or the week after.

No rush really.

- Ever since Jordan's been gone,

there's been nothin' to talk about.

No news, no drama.

I'm gonna have to start spreading rumors about myself

just to have something to talk about.

- [Narrator] Like what?

- I wet the bed 'til I was seven.

I used to be afraid of my own shadow.

I can't pronounce the word drawer.

Drie-yer.

Drar-rar.

I was the kid that jumped in Harambe's cage.

I think the Beatles are over-rated.

I think Kanye West is the Second Comin' of Jesus Christ.

Or the very least, Jesus Christ's brother.

Kanye Christ.

I was attracted to all the Teletubbies

from a very young age.

My favorite color was pink