THEY STABBED ON MEDICARE FOR

Thank you, Flu Shots, for forcing me to choose which activity I like better: getting the flu or being stabbed.

She was a psycho who got you mixed up with your own brother and then stabbed him for being an imposter.

I stabbed Jamie, cut his throat?

People get so precious about it, like I understand that to Americans your Constitution is very important, I respect it but please understand that every country has one as well, it's no more special than any other of the Constitution, we have one in Australia, I don't know what it says, I've never seen it, if there's a problem we'll check it but everything's going fine and don't get me wrong, I get that the Constitution is important to you, I have had fucking, I get it right, I've had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as I'm leaving the theatre going, you cannot change the second amendment and I'm like, yes you can it's called an amendment like if you can't change something it's called an amendment see many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a Constitution if you don't know what a thesaurus is get a dictionary, work your way forward don't think your Constitution is set in stone, you've changed things before you used to have prohibition in there right and then people were like hey who likes getting fucked up, yeah I like getting fucked up too, let's get that one out, let's get that one out you used to have this other thing in America called uh slavery and then Lincoln came along and went that's it no more slaves and 50% of you went fuck you don't take my slaves and then the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns why should I have my slaves taken off me, I'm a responsible slave owner, I am trained in how to use my slaves safely, just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn't mean that my rights should be taken away from me I use my slaves to protect my family, I keep my slaves locked in a safe that's the thing why should I have my guns taken off me, I've done nothing wrong, that's look I agree with you if you're a responsible gun owner and you don't fuck around with them then you should be allowed your guns, you really should but that's not how society works we have to play to the one percent that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us we have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving right I take drugs like a fucking champion right we should all be allowed to take fucking drugs but we can't can we because Sarah took drugs and she stabbed the fucking kids oh oh thanks Sarah you fucked it up for everyone right everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it right but we can't because Jonathan got drunk and ran over a family, thanks Jonathan now I have to drive a 30 you fucking idiot see that's the thing why should I have my guns taken off me, I'm responsible just because that guy's crazy who's to say you're not crazy that's the thing about crazy people they don't know they're crazy that's what makes them crazy the only thing you know for sure on this earth is I think therefore I am you know that you exist anything past that is open to interpretation right you know you exist and that's it right now I think I'm in Boston talking to 1200 people that's what I think I'm doing but there is a good to fair chance that I'm in a mental home standing in front of a white wall going I hate guns, I hate guns, I hate guns see I one of the good the better arguments is well if you take the guns away then only the criminals will have guns not true the the when they banned the guns in Australia it worked when they banned them in Britain it worked okay that Bushmaster gun that the kid was going to use in Sandy Hook cost like a thousand dollars American you can buy it in Walmart it'll be delivered to your house that's it man thousand bucks right that same gun in Australia on the black market cost $34,000 now if you have $34,000 you don't need to be a criminal you've got $34,000 you're a great little saver keep going so that covers the criminals but that doesn't cover the people who want to murder your family that are coming after you and your family it kind of does like the people who do the Colorado who thought he was the joker let's say that he had some social issues the kid at Sandy Hook was Asperger's as fuck right I don't know if you know a lot about the black market but you can't just rock up at the guns who wants to sell me a gun now I'm going to wrap this up we won't talk about it anymore now see the one thing that I do really agree with with the right to bear arms I really agree with that the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against the tyrannical government in case the government became a bunch of cunts you could all get your guns and fight back and that's where I was written yeah and that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets but you do know the government has drones right you get that you're bringing guns to a drone fight like if we went back to muskets I'm all for it keep the second amendment if we all have muskets muskets are awesome every cunt should be carrying a musket with them at all times you know what's good about the musket it gives you a lot of time to calm down someone calls your wife fat and you're like fuck you buddy you're not a bad guy

Another has been stabbed.

If you've been stabbed, it's very important not to panic.

Here is the tweet that I sent out, quote, If a random white person simply walked up to and stabbed a nice law-abiding black person for no reason, it would be an apocalyptically huge national story used to impose national sweeping political changes on the whole country.

Before I knew it, I had been stabbed by this demented woman.

Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.