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  • -If you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out

  • my weekly thank-you notes right now.

  • Is that cool with you guys? Thank you.

  • I appreciate that.

  • James, can I get some thank-you- note-writing music, please?

  • [ Piano plays ]

  • -Wow. -Thank you, buddy.

  • -On fire!

  • Thank you, trick-or-treating,

  • for proving that if there's one thing

  • that will actually get me to go for a walk,

  • it's the possibility of free food.

  • [ Laughter ] Yeah, I'll do it.

  • [ Applause ]

  • [ Piano plays ]

  • Thank you, White House staffers John Kelly and John Bolton,

  • for having a shouting match about immigration this week

  • and reminding us all exactly why

  • we're not going home for Thanksgiving this year.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Piano plays ]

  • Thank you, umpire gear, for making every umpire

  • look like he just stole a bunch of frozen pizzas

  • from a gas-station food mart.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -What's up?

  • [ Piano plays ]

  • -Thank you, monogram towels, for letting your dinner guests

  • know that the towels in your bathroom are, in fact, yours.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • These aren't my towels.

  • -These aren't mine.

  • [ Piano plays ]

  • -Thank you, movie-theater popcorn,

  • for being served exactly two ways --

  • no butter at all or all the butter.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Piano plays ]

  • Thank you, flu shots,

  • for forcing me to choose which activity I like better,

  • getting the flu or being stabbed.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -[ Laughs ] [ Piano plays ]

  • -Are you just laughing at the silence?

  • -Yeah.

  • Flu shots, you know. -Yeah.

  • -Is this the last one or no? -What's that?

  • -Is that the last thank-you note?

  • -No, you can see there's more than --

  • There's probably three more.

  • -You're right. I wasn't paying attention.

  • -You thought it was the last one?

  • -I thought it was the last one, but now --

  • -Now you believe three there?

  • -Yeah, no. I see those three piles.

  • I'm a fool.

  • Go for it. Sorry.

  • -Apology accepted.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • [ Piano plays ] -Glad you took it.

  • -What's that? [ Laughter ]

  • Tip of the hat. -Yeah, tip of the hat to you.

  • -Tip of the hat to you, yeah. -Governor.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Who you going to thank? -What's that?

  • I'm just thinking about who I'm going to write these --

  • this thank-you note to.

  • -You make them up as you go, right?

  • -That's correct. -Yeah.

  • [ Piano plays ]

  • -Thank you, ordering fries for the table,

  • or as that's also known,

  • pretending I'm not going to eat all the fries

  • so I'm ordering them "for the table."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Yeah! Maybe three.

  • [ Piano plays ]

  • -Thank you, drawers at the bottom of the fridge,

  • or as vegetables call you, coffins.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Now, is this the last one?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -What's that? -Is that the last one?

  • -Absolutely. What do you think?

  • Yeah, you saw it, right?

  • -Again, you're right. I'm not paying attention.

  • I can clearly see that's the last one.

  • -Oh, I'm wrong sometimes. I'm sorry. I apologize.

  • -No, I apologize to you.

  • Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I can hear -- You're right in front of the --

  • The microphone's right in front of you, yeah.

  • -It's right here? -Yeah.

  • -Oh, I'm sorry.

  • Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • I'm ready for this last one.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That mic is practical. Is that mic on?

  • -This one? -Yeah.

  • -Hello? No.

  • Sometimes it is.

  • -This one is.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Piano plays ]

  • -Thank you, out-of-office messages,

  • for letting me know that you'll definitely

  • see my e-mail over your vacation

  • but there's no chance in hell you're replying.

  • There you guys have it. Those are my thank-you notes.

-If you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out

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A2 US TheTonightShow piano laughter applause flu umpire

Thank You Notes: Trick-or-Treating, Out of Office Messages

  • 599 17
    Emily posted on 2018/10/30
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