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For the past seven years,
Pope Francis has been shaking up the Catholic Church
as we know it.
But now the old pope has stepped in, saying, "Enough is enough."
NEWSWOMAN: Controversy is swirling at the Vatican
as two popes-- one retired and one reigning--
appear at odds.
And now former Pope Benedict is weighing in.
On shelves this morning, the much anticipated
and already wildly controversial new book,
From the Depths of Our Hearts.
The book, which is written in part
by Pope Benedict XVI,
defends the Church's practice of celibacy among priests,
but it comes at the same time
Benedict's successor Pope Francis is considering
whether some older married men could be ordained
in very remote areas like the Amazon.
NEWSMAN: Benedict argued for the necessity of celibacy,
writing:
Oh, I see what's happening here.
The new pope wants to change the rules
so priests can have sex,
but the old pope wants the rules to stay the same.
And I get that. I mean, if I had been forced to be a virgin
for 92 years, I would also be out there like, "Guys, come on,
"those are the rules!
We agreed!"
But I'm sorry, old pope, you don't make the rules anymore,
because you quit.
Yeah, you can't just come back and try and change things up.
That would be like coming back to visit a house
that you sold like, "Oh, interesting curtain choice.
Uh, you sure you want to put the couch there?"
And they'd be like, "How did you get in here?!
"I took a spare key." -(laughter)
I will say, what's really strange about this
is that both of these men
supposedly talk directly to God, right?
That's the whole thing of the pope.
But they're getting different messages.
-(laughter) -It's almost like God
is playing a prank on one of them. Yeah?
You know? Like, one priest is going up to God like,
"Wait, are we not supposed to have sex?" And God is like,
"Nah, nah, I'm just messing with the other dude. (chuckles)
-Look how horny he's getting." -(laughter)
But either way, at some point
these two are always going to clash.
Because they're different people.
All right? Francis and Benedict are very different popes.
I mean, just watch, just watch how Pope Benedict reacted,
right, when shirtless acrobatic dancers performed for him
way back in 2010.
♪ ♪
(laughter)
You see that face?
Look at that face.
It's like Emperor Palpatine was at a Chippendales show.
(like Palpatine): This is the real dark side.
Now check out the new pope.
♪ ♪
Now, this guy (bleep).
(laughter, applause)
All right, let's move on to Boeing.
Boeing-- the aerospace company responsible
for half the planes in the sky.
And half the planes that are not in the sky.
Now, for months, the company has insisted
that they did everything they could
to ensure the safety of their planes.
But thanks to some leaked e-mails,
that excuse is crashing to the ground.
We are getting a look
at some shocking internal e-mails from Boeing
suggesting employees knew about problems with the 737 MAX
before two deadly crashes.
NEWSWOMAN: Boeing has now released
more than 100 pages of e-mails
as part of FAA and congressional investigations.
In 2017, just as the planes
were taking to the skies worldwide,
a Boeing employee sent this message to a colleague:
One test pilot wrote:
-(laughter, gasps) -Wow!
I don't know if Boeing has good engineers,
but they do have some pretty good joke writers.
-(laughter) -Yeah, we should hire them
for the next Comedy Central Roast.
They'll be like, "Seth Rogen is here--
the only thing that smokes more than a Boeing engine!"
(laughter)
And just by the way, by the way,
why are Boeing employees trying
to drag clowns and monkeys into this?
First of all, clowns are good at what they do, all right?
It's not their fault that your plane sucks.
In fact, airplane makers could use a clown on the design team.
Have you seen how many people they can fit in their cars?
Imagine what they could do with the overhead bins.
-Imagine! -(laughter)
And you know what really pisses me off about these revelations
is, remember how when one of the planes went down,
Boeing tried to blame the Ethiopian pilots.
Remember that? Yeah? The plane went down,
and they were like, "Where was the crash? Africa?
Well, there's your problem right there."
Yeah. They made it seem like the African plane crashed
because the copilot was a chicken. You know?
And yeah, sometimes the copilot is a chicken in Africa,
but that's not why they crashed!
The chicken knows what it's doing.
It's always sitting there telling the passengers,
(clucking): Buckle up! Buckle up!
(laughter)
(applause)
(cheering)
No, please.
Please, don't encourage me.
Ah. And finally, some exciting news
from the music world.
NEWSWOMAN: Spotify, the popular music-streaming service
is now offering playlists for lonely dogs.
The company launched several playlists
created especially for pets, aimed at soothing them
while they're left home alone.
There's also a new podcast
called My Dog's Favorite Podcast,
which is intended to provide comfort
through reassuring human voices,
relaxing music and ambient sounds.
A podcast and a music-streaming service for dogs.
-No. No, guys, no. -(laughter)
Let dogs be dogs.
All right? I don't want to be at the park
like, "Come here, boy. come here, come here,"
and then the dog is just like, "Oh, I'm sorry, what?"
(laughter)
But at least they're doing it the right way.
'Cause if you are gonna play music for dogs,
you do need to have a specific playlist.
You don't want to play the wrong song.
Like, can you imagine if a dog hears DMX?
Yeah, he's gonna get overexcited.
DMX is gonna be like, ♪ Where my dawgs at? ♪
Be like, "I'm right here! I'm right here!
I'm right here! Are we going to the park?"
-He's like, ♪ Aar! Aar! ♪ -"Oh, there's another dog!
This is so cool!"
This is a bad idea for everyone, especially musicians.
You don't think about the musicians.
Imagine you're trying to be a rock star, right?
And then one day you're looking at your Spotify,
and you're like, "Damn. I'm blowing up all of a sudden."
So you go on a big tour, and you get on stage,
and that's when you find out all your fans are dogs. Huh?
That's gonna break your heart.
You're gonna be trying to be cool, signing autographs.
Huh? You want to hook up with groupies, but you can't--
it's just dogs-- so now you're just there like,
"All right, I guess. I mean, see if that labradoodle in row two
"wants to come backstage.
-All right, let me get the peanut butter." -(groans)
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Ex-Pope Benedict vs. Pope Francis, Boeing 737 Emails & Spotify’s Playlist for Dogs | The Daily Show

8 Folder Collection
林宜悉 published on March 14, 2020
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