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  • -Wow. Thank you. That's -- That's very --

  • You -- Wow. You didn't need to stand up.

  • That's nice. Okay, um --

  • Well, I was walking down the street the other day --

  • Has anyone here turned 33?

  • Okay, so, if you're a 33-year-old white woman,

  • this joke is gonna crush.

  • Okay. So, I was walking down the street.

  • I was doing some window shopping, and I was, like,

  • looking at this window.

  • I was like, "That's cute. That's cute. That's cute."

  • I look up. "Ann Taylor."

  • "Oh, no!"

  • I got Ann Taylor'ed, and, you know --

  • It gives me a chill.

  • Every time I even hear the words "Ann Taylor,"

  • I just hear my mom go, "They got a petite section."

  • I don't even know if it's a store.

  • I just know it's a portal to menopause, you know?

  • But I'm trying -- I'm trying to stay young, you know?

  • I'm trying to stay young. I'm going to parties.

  • Mm-hmm. I'm going to parties.

  • Like, I went to a party the other night, and I just kind of

  • was talking to the same three people the whole night.

  • I thought, "This is great. We don't need anybody else."

  • And then this woman comes up to us, and she goes,

  • "How would you rate this party?"

  • And, you know, I think,

  • "I don't need to wait for the others to answer.

  • I can say. Nine."

  • And then everyone else in the circle said, "Six."

  • And that's just a lesson for you as an adult.

  • If you're at a party and you're having a nine,

  • everyone else is having a six.

  • That's just the Ann Taylor brand for you.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I got -- Thanks.

  • Yeah, give it up for Ann Taylor.

  • Dress -- Yeah.

  • I got a dog recently. And when you get --

  • A lot of people, when they get a dog, they say,

  • "Oh, my dog's so good, so smart."

  • And it turns out I got a dumb and bad one.

  • He's really awful. He bit my cousin.

  • He ripped my dad's pants off. Uh, he's terrible.

  • So we took him to this trainer, and the trainer was like,

  • "Oh, you're doing it all wrong.

  • You got to be walking him for three hours a day,

  • feeding him hard-boiled eggs."

  • Essentially we're turning this dog into John Cena.

  • And, I mean, it seems insane to me

  • to make a bad dog stronger, but that's --

  • That's what we're doing.

  • But I -- So I got -- It was hard to even get the dog

  • because I got the dog with my boyfriend.

  • He was really picky about the dog.

  • He didn't want the dog to be too big, too small.

  • He wanted it to be brown. He wanted ears to go like that.

  • And he didn't want to be able to feel the bones.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You guys know that part of the dog

  • that gives it the shape of the dog?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • My mom's friend, Mary, was like,

  • "Honey, he wants a chicken finger."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • True. Mary's right.

  • I mean, we obviously -- You know, we live together.

  • Has anyone moved in with someone they wanted to love?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's -- Things change when you live with somebody.

  • You know, like, the other day, he goes --

  • He goes, "Babe, come in here. I'm a genius."

  • So I stopped what I'm doing

  • because, you know, obviously my baby's a genius.

  • I got to go check, you know.

  • And so I go over to him,

  • and I look and he's eating cereal.

  • And instead of milk, it's peanut butter.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That -- That's a disappointment.

  • You know, but he's so -- he's so proud.

  • And I want this to work, so I say to him, I say,

  • "Well, sweetie, you -- you just made the thickest snack.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You just made a snack fit for a horse."

  • And then I went into the bathroom

  • and screamed for three minutes.

  • But I've been -- You know, I've working on the relationship.

  • Working on friendships. 2020, you know.

  • You know, just trying to connect with people more.

  • It's hard -- It's hard to connect for me.

  • Like, I don't know if you guys have noticed this,

  • but I haven't looked at any one of you in the eyes.

  • And if I make it to the end of the set,

  • I do get an ice-cream cone.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But I'm trying. You know, I am really trying, you know.

  • And, like, I've been doing this outreach

  • with the neighborhood kids that's been really great.

  • It's this activity I made up. It's called liquid telephone.

  • And basically I just get 10 kids to line up in a row,

  • and the first kid gets a mouthful of juice,

  • and then they just pass it mouth to mouth...

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • And then the kid at the end has to guess the flavor.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I guess that's why I'm a six at parties.

  • Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • -You're a 10! You're a 10!

  • ♪♪

  • Jo Firestone!

  • Listen to her on the "National Lampoon Radio Hour: The Podcast"

  • available on Spotify.

-Wow. Thank you. That's -- That's very --

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