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  • everyone and welcome it back to my channel.

  • Today's video is a little bit of a different one, so obviously this channel, I'm crossing my legs because it's far more comfortable.

  • But obviously this channel is predominantly about me blogging and my life on dhe beauty and fashion.

  • And I spent the last two years kind of focusing around that and building stories around that and talking about stuff like that and talking about what I like and oh my God, this cherished the uncomfortable.

  • But today's video is more of a chatty video, although I do want to keep it quite to the point, and I have some water with me so that I can keep talking and not to get dry mouth.

  • But I wanted to talk about something that I have not really spoken about in depth on my channel.

  • I feel like there are so many videos around this subject, and it almost seems like everyone is suffering in some way with their mental health on dhe.

  • It's talked about so much more now, which is amazing, and it's so great that this is becoming more of a talking point.

  • I've not really ever delved into it too much on my channel because I kind of felt like, you know, everyone else had it covered.

  • I've got kind of a different angle to take on it and to just discuss it.

  • So basically, I just thought I would tell you a bit about me.

  • My mental health journey, What I went through where I am now on Dhe away in between.

  • I'm hoping that it isn't gonna be as long as my vlogs, but I can't promise anything.

  • You guys know how I like to chat?

  • Let's get into the first.

  • But I got fuel headings on here.

  • So the reason why I'm talking about this now is because I feel like I'm someone that has gone through it on dhe Come out the other side.

  • There is a lot of talk about coping with your mental health on anxiety and things like that.

  • All of the different facets that mental health has on dhe.

  • I don't necessarily see a lot of people talking about where they are now or whether they've overcome it.

  • I don't feel like I have to.

  • You cope necessarily with what I went through on a daily basis.

  • I feel like I've moved past it.

  • So that's basically why I'm offering a little bit of insight into my mental health.

  • And now I'm gonna start talking about why and get into the good stuff.

  • So I would say that I first experienced problems with my mental health around five years ago on, if you don't know, Ali and I bought our first home after being together a year, and we talked about all of that in our boyfriend tags.

  • So if you want to watch that, it's in the description box gambling on what had happened before, that is, I've been in a really long term relationship on DDE that broke down, and I ended up getting into another relationship, which actually wasn't a good relationship for either of us involved.

  • It didn't last very long.

  • It was very intense.

  • It was very messed with my head.

  • Quite a lot on To say that it crashed and burned is an understatement.

  • I often think to myself, all that should never have happened, but it all comes down Thio my path on.

  • That's another video that I kind of want Thio Touch on is how I view relationships and how I've seen my relationship.

  • So if you want to know something about relationships and you want to have a chat about that, then let me know in the description box.

  • Give this video thumbs up and I'll know that you want to see that in the next kind of chatting video.

  • I actually found myself without anywhere to live.

  • I've been at university.

  • I moved back from university to live with him on Dhe.

  • I I didn't have a great relationship with my mom at the time, so I think I went back there and I was sleeping on her sofa, which was just awful.

  • And then that fell apart on.

  • That was when I was really I, like, had nowhere to go.

  • And luckily I ended up eventually with my grandma and I say there for two years on Dhe.

  • I believe that it kind of started creeping up on me.

  • Then in that time I met Ali and we start our relationships.

  • I was with my grandma for a year on DDE.

  • I realized I wanted to save to buy a house.

  • I didn't want to go and rent anywhere.

  • I wanted to save my money, buy myself a house on Dhe.

  • Just be completely independent.

  • I didn't want to have to rely on anyone in my life.

  • I wanted to have that security of not needing anyone.

  • That was why I set about doing so.

  • I didn't go how?

  • I didn't do anything.

  • I just spent my weekends with Ali on Dhe.

  • Saved all my money as we started approaching the time that I was gonna move, Allie.

  • But the idea to me that we should buy together on dhe move our relationship forward.

  • It was a little bit sooner than I think our families were ready for, but they were really supportive and really lovely about it.

  • And we just went into it with really sort of grown up mind set on, you know, it didn't work out.

  • It didn't work How?

  • Luckily, now we're married, but I think the responsibility of owning a home what was what tipped me over the edge.

  • I I don't think I'd mentally prepared myself for the pressure of that on dhe.

  • I was working in a job where I don't think I felt very secure on.

  • I felt like I was gonna lose my job at any moment on it.

  • Just spiraled from there.

  • I'd started experiencing problems with my sleep at my grandma's, and I kind of I don't know what's wrong with me, like I'm absolutely shattered.

  • But when it comes to actually falling asleep, I can't do it.

  • I can't fall asleep, darted there, And then when we moved home, it got progressively worse.

  • So I booked myself in at the doctors, and it turned out that I had sleep anxiety.

  • So somehow all of this suffered, like manifested itself in my sleep.

  • Sleeping became the biggest part of my life, and I was just focusing everything on the fact that he needed to sleep.

  • And the fact that I was doing that was making it a whole lot worse.

  • And I was being all of this pressure on my sleep, and when it came down to it, I wasn't able to sleep.

  • I would be exhausted throughout the day.

  • I would be falling asleep.

  • I would.

  • My eyes would be sore and blood shot.

  • I would be extremely unhappy and extremely tired and grouchy on dhe.

  • I couldn't wait to get home and fall asleep, and then the vicious cycle would just happen again and I wouldn't sleep on Dhe.

  • I would be incredibly frustrated.

  • I can't even express to you how the frustration was from that frustration would be the actual anxiety side of things.

  • So I would begin to panic and stress about the fact that I wasn't sleeping, and I then had to get up in the morning and go to work and drive down the M one, and I became extremely unhappy.

  • There was one time when I couldn't sleep on.

  • Guy ended up having to phone the 111 help line because I honestly thought I was dying.

  • The panic within me, Andi, the unsettled feeling on and the fear that's the only thing that I can kind of describe as the fear of yourself was so much that I just I called them.

  • I've never called the N.

  • H s help in my life, and I haven't called since it was terrifying.

  • That's the only thing I can say.

  • I was sat down on the sofa downstairs because I didn't want to disturb Ali because Ollie obviously has his job and his life, and he can't be babying me throughout the night, and I felt that immense guilt for that as well.

  • So it is all kind of like knock on effects from this feeling off, being out of my depth, my fear of losing my job and then losing my house on, then losing everything in ending back where I waas a few years earlier on Dhe.

  • I lived that way for about 3 to 4 months.

  • I I've been to the doctor's on a few occasions.

  • Initially, they prescribed me die as a Pam.

  • Now die as a Pam is something that you just don't really want to be messing around with too much.

  • Andi, I was quite good with it.

  • I kept it in my top drawer as kind of like I know it's there.

  • I've got that that knowledge that is there.

  • And it was only in real times of need that I would kind of break one of the tablets on Dhe used like a crumb of it and hope that that could help me get to sleep.

  • But more than more often than not, it didn't really help.

  • It wasn't enough to knock me out, but I was petrified of the tablet as well.

  • So if I took the tablet, I was scared.

  • I was gonna die in my sleep, and it was just I mean, the irrational fears that I felt during that time was immense.

  • And I don't feel that I've ever gone back to that point now.

  • I've struggled with my pill recently.

  • I feel like I'm in a much better place now.

  • But that was totally unrelated to the sleep.

  • Banzai!

  • And pardon the pun.

  • But I feel like I've well and truly put that area and that time on that episode in my life to bed.

  • That's the biggest turning point in my recovery from my sleep anxiety on DDE that time in my life came when I started yoga.

  • Now it wasn't.

  • It wasn't straight away that I realized that yoga was gonna have such a huge impact on my life.

  • I basically was going to the White Space Studio.

  • Andi.

  • I was going to work in the morning.

  • I was spending basically the whole day panicking on Dhe, stressing about getting home about going to bed on DDE, then being late for my yoga session that I booked myself into with Carrie.

  • I drive down the M one that be traffic would be stressing that I was going to miss it on.

  • By the time that I arrived at the studio, I was a wreck.

  • My heart was racing.

  • Sometimes I was even like sweating from the state I was in, and I would think to myself as I walked through the door, Why are you doing this?

  • It's stressing you out, Maur just getting there than it is doing you any good.

  • Why are you doing this?

  • And then there was one time when I was really, really stressed and I had one of the nighttime yoga classes on.

  • We went in.

  • It was very different to the ones that we normally done basically spent a lot of the yoga class lying on the floor and breathing.

  • And initially I was thinking to myself, I am I paying £11 for this to just lie on the floor and breathe.

  • I could do this at home on Dhe.

  • It was within about 10 minutes of doing that that I started to fall asleep naturally, so I'd had no help.

  • No, no tablets know nothing.

  • The lady that was teaching the class had managed to get me into a state of relaxation where I was so relaxed and so calm that I was falling asleep natural, and I hadn't experienced that for a very, very, very long time.

  • I realized that I needed Thio devote time to this.

  • Ah, nde learn what helps me when I'm on the verge of one of those kind of episodes.

  • It taught me about controlling my breath because the biggest thing that I realized was my breathing was where it started.

  • All of a sudden I would be taking shorter breaths before you know it, your in panic mode.

  • So what?

  • Yoga and meditation.

  • Although I still don't feel like I'm very good at meditation, that's something that I want to start improving on.

  • Yoga was the one that taught me.

  • Even just the circular breathing method could have such a huge impact on the panic levels that you're experiencing when you're going through one of those episodes.

  • From there, I've learned numerous things about myself.

  • On it doesn't just come from yoga and lighting candles, and then I try and keep it as chilled as possible and not take it too far.

  • But it is something that I now know has such a massive impact on me.

  • So I do devote a lot of time to it.

  • I did also start cognitive behavioral therapy through my doctors that when I went to them and after they prescribed me die as a Pam.

  • They also put me through committed behaviour.

  • Is such a mouthful, a cognitive behavioral therapy on?

  • I had a few sessions of that, and it was really, really helpful.

  • It taught me how to identify where it had all started on where it was coming from.

  • I was able to identify that once I've moved house, that pressure kind of sent everything crumbling down around me.

  • And it was just that straw that broke the camel's back.

  • Essentially as much as Ali struggled to understand what I was going through.

  • Because Ali is such a like black and white person like he, he's never really suffered anything like that.

  • I think nowadays he's realized what pressure could do to you, and now that he's in quite a high pressure job, he understands and he has to do things now to relax himself, and we did yoga together this morning.

  • He may need it that because he was really tight in his legs, but I know that he experiences benefits from it.

  • I was able to understand that I wasn't on my own.

  • Andi also taught me about some of the triggers in my mind.

  • Andi, how to understand the effects of some things on my mind and how it had caused me to get to the point where I was in such great need of help.

  • If you are a point where you just don't even know where this is coming from and you need to kind of pinpoint what this trigger is and what has happened, then I would suggest going to your GP and just explain to them that you would really like to speak to someone about cognitive behavioural therapy and learn about the behaviors that you have, how they can help you and how they can obviously have a detrimental impact as well.

  • I continue to make changes in my life on dhe, continue to change my mind set and get better with everything that I'm thinking.

  • Andi, everything that I'm doing, I also feel like I'm constantly changing things in my life too.

  • Get better on dhe cope Better on DDE deal with the everyday things in life a lot better, whether that's assessing who you have around you and the kind of people and their energy that you have around you, or whether that's your own mindset and changing things in that because I still still to this day, I change my mind set so much like I'm always trying to live a really positive life.

  • And there's different stages where I'm like, Oh, you've really improved since up that point there and you've really changed how you give things since that point there.

  • So I'm always trying to improve and get better at coping.

  • So my mindset today is I feel like I'm always getting better.

  • Like I mentioned, I feel like I'm constantly improving on dhe, learning what it is.

  • I need a za person, and over the last few months I've experienced changes again.

  • I think the biggest thing that I've had to cope with since that episode is YouTube.

  • Andi the great that I experienced on YouTube, and I know that there are lots of people that grow and have in much bigger growth for me on guided.

  • Honestly, I saw someone tweet once that instead of getting a gold play button when you hit 1,000,000 subscribers, you should get therapy because you, chief, has been the biggest test on my mental strength since that point.

  • So I am still bettering myself on Dhe, improving on changing things so that I can cope with the life that I have now.

  • YouTube isn't the hardest job physically on dhe.

  • It's not the most testing in terms of your academic abilities, but in terms of your mental state, I would say that it is definitely the most challenging thing I think I've ever been through.

  • I have had to adapt my life to ensure that I could go with that.

  • So moving to where we live, I really wanted to feel like I was escaping here on Dhe.

  • I was away from it all, and this was my little place where I knew I was safe and I could come and just be myself and be with my friends and just have that that little space.

  • And then I've also had to make some quite selfish changes as well.

  • In terms off the people that I've had around me, It's no disrespect to any of those people that maybe I don't see as much that used to or anything like that.

  • It's just I had to kind of make some changes for me, and I really do feel the benefits of those changes on a daily basis.

  • And I know that at least I can sort of say that, Yes, I was selfish, but I made those changes for myself.

  • I needed to make those changes myself.

  • I also focus a lot more on my health and fitness, but in a different way.

  • You might remember that I went through a bit of a fitness stage on I introduce that to my blogging.

  • That's actually when I grew quite a lot in terms of instagram.

  • I used to focus on the aesthetic side of fitness, and once I still like to look my best and all of that Dad's, I focus more now on my inner health, the inner health of my body.

  • In a health of my mind on Dhe, I do a lot of things differently now, so whereas I'll still do my cardio and my weights, I also do a lot more yoga a lot more.

  • Pallotti's on Dhe, and I also want to do a bit of a meditation course because as much as I do meditate.

  • I don't feel like I've really got the technique nailed.

  • So I feel like if I was to speak to someone on do, maybe some classes on it would really benefit from that.

  • So that's something that I'm looking into at the moment again, one of those choices that I'm making for me, kind of where I am at the moment, especially having the studio, which is such a luxury for me to just be able to go down there on a yoga DVD or put on a guided meditation DVD, and I could just do my own thing down.

  • That's quite nice being by yourself as well.

  • And I like some incense.

  • I make it super hippy Dow there.

  • So the main thing that I kind of want to get across that this video is that obviously there's a lot of talk online about mental health on dhe, the struggles with mental health on DDE coping with mental health.

  • And I really wanted to put across that it's not always a life sentence on DDE.

  • There are people that go through episodes on dhe very much, come out the other side and actually learn so much about themselves in the process that they grow on dhe.

  • They get better on dhe.

  • Their whole kind of attitude changes.

  • That was something that I really wanted to make sure that when people watch these videos and you know, are going through this, but it doesn't mean that this has to be with you for the rest of your life.

  • I'm also not saying that everyone will be like me on, but they will come out the other side.

  • It's a journey that only you'll go through and only you'll experience that.

  • Some of the best advice I can say is Speech your GP.

  • Try everything.

  • Be selfish.

  • Do things that you know are just for yourself.

  • It might feel weird.

  • At first.

  • I did feel incredibly or doing yoga and meditation.

  • It felt like with foreign to me.

  • I'm no someone like a owl on Love Island.

  • I don't feel like I'm that kind of person.

  • So it was a really big learning curve for me to kind of open up my self that and and embrace it and take it seriously because it just felt so different.

  • None of my friends were really like that.

  • And then there's the obvious side of things.

  • Don't be afraid to ask for help.

  • I remember when I had a fam