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  • As a famous person you sorta [sort of] read about yourself, gossip and Twitter and everything.

  • And one thing kept cropping up, even when I was preparing for this tour, they were saying, "Oh, he's out of touch. He's so famous. He's rich. He's mega-rich."

  • I am.

  • I could have this place burned down for a laugh.

  • No, but they say things like, "Oh, he's an observational comedian. How can he say things that relate to ordinary scum?"

  • And I say, "Don't call 'em scum, alright?"

  • But even the papers, they try and get around to it.

  • I do interviews and they always wanna say, "Oh, do you always fly first class?"

  • I go, "No, often private."

  • The number of times I've answered this question, they say, "Do you know how much a pint of milk is?"

  • It's meant to make you look out of touch and I don't know, but that's irrelevant.

  • Next time a journalist asks me that, I'm gonna say, "I don't know, mate, but here's a grand. Run and get me one, will ya?"

  • "Is that enough?"

  • Another question that I always get, particularly with the posh papers, the Sundays, they're doing a profile piece, and they're still trying to alienate you and make you look different and they always say things like, "No, you don't have children."

  • I say, "No."

  • They say, "Why don't you have children?"

  • Which is a really odd question to ask someone, "Why don't you have children," as opposed to asking people, "Why do you have children?"

  • Let's ask the fat lady in the leggings why she's had eight.

  • Shall we?

  • Oh, nine.

  • That one just fell out.

  • That one didn't even touch the sides or disturb her cigarette.

  • "Go and claim for that."

  • People say, "Oh, it's selfish to not have children."

  • How can it be selfish to not bring a life into the world that doesn't exist on any level?

  • It's not like there's a long cabinet full of potential ghost fetuses going, "We wanna be born."

  • But I've thought about it and there's three reasons I don't have children.

  • Three main reasons I don't have children.

  • I'll share them with you, three reasons.

  • One, there's millions.

  • The world's overpopulated.

  • No one's sitting around going, "Oh, Rick's not having kids, we're gonna run out."

  • Two, kids are scroungers, aren't they?

  • From day one, it's all, "Me, me, me."

  • Isn't it?

  • "Feed me, clothe me, pay for my chemotherapy."

  • "Not my problem, son. Luck of the draw, boy, luck of the draw."

  • It costs the average household in the west 200,000 USD to bring up a child and you don't see that back.

  • They don't wanna pay you back.

  • They're not grateful.

  • They don't go, "Thanks for having me," everyday.

  • They're going, "I didn't wanna be born."

  • Even if they get a top job, which they won't, you'll never see that money back.

  • They'll just put you in a home and my kid, he'd born into ridiculous wealth, wouldn't he? So...

  • He'd be a little cunt.

  • A little Hampstead cunt, running around with all the other fucking little Hampstead cunts, being all Hampstead and cunty.

  • "I'm a little Hampstead cunt."

  • "Yes, I know."

  • "These are my little cunty friends."

  • "Yeah, I know, it's obvious."

  • "I can tell from your little fucking cunty hats that you're little Hampstead cunts, you little posh Hampstead cunts."

  • And on the one hand, he'd know he was a little fucking Hampstead cunt.

  • "I'm a little Hampstead cunt."

  • Yes, we know, everyone knows.

  • We know that, right?

  • On the other hand, he'd know that he could never live up to being as brilliant as his dad, right?

  • I'd say, "You know, I worked from nothing and I gave it to you and you're just a little useless Hampstead cunt."

  • That would probably prey on his little mind a bit, wouldn't it?

  • 11, 12, he'd be a naughty boy, run with the wrong crowd, try and get out from under my shadow, right?

  • Then he'd turn to drugs and at about 30, he'd come home and he'd overdose on my Afghan rug.

  • Twenty grand, that was.

  • And as he was there, convulsing and throwing up his fucking lungs, and with his little posh high-pitched fucking death rattle, his little fucking dying words, he'd go, "Do you love me now, Daddy?"

  • "No!"

  • I never did, and that's why you're never going to be born, you useless fucking junkie Hampstead cunt."

As a famous person you sorta [sort of] read about yourself, gossip and Twitter and everything.

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A2 UK cunt fucking gervais ricky gervais ricky posh

The Reason Ricky Gervais Won't Have Kids | Ricky Gervais: Humanity

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    lauren.huang posted on 2020/04/22
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