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  • - Before we get into the special,

  • I always wanted to know,

  • what is your favorite memory of working at The Daily Show?

  • - Oh man,

  • uh, today.

  • - No, I mean like of, of like all time.

  • - No, right now, this is great.

  • - No, I know you're really enthusiastic about things.

  • - No, this is awesome, like my own desk.

  • This is kinda cool.

  • - [Trevor] That's still my desk.

  • - No, no, no, I like this on me.

  • It's my show.

  • - It's not your show.

  • We're just doing a special about--

  • - We'll be right back.

  • - No, you can't say that 'cause the show--

  • - Here it is, your Moment of Them,

  • the best of Hasan Minhaj.

  • - Here it is, your Moment of Them,

  • the best of Hasan Minhaj.

  • (audience applauds)

  • - Canada, from their awful beer

  • to their God-awful Canadian tuxedos,

  • they've got a lot to apologize for, but now,

  • they've got a new reason to say sorry

  • and it's coming to destroy America.

  • I'm talking about

  • Syrian refugees.

  • - Thousands of Syrian refugees entering Canada

  • will sneak across the US border.

  • Some of them will be ISIS supporters.

  • - [Hasan] Canada's super progressive prime minister

  • Justin Trudeau has already allowed

  • more than 25,000 of these potential terrorists into Canada.

  • Luckily, I had allies across the border,

  • these Canucks were actually doing

  • something about Trudeau's refugee invasion,

  • and they were more pissed off

  • than any Canadians I had ever seen.

  • - People are really upset.

  • - Oh, yes, good.

  • - We're demanding that the immigration minister

  • bring in more refugees and do it really quickly.

  • - What?

  • You guys want more refugees?

  • - Absolutely, we have thousands of people across the country

  • waiting to welcome people into their homes.

  • - Are you (bleeps) nuts?

  • It turns out they were part of the problem,

  • something call the Private Sponsorship Program.

  • Only in Canada can groups of five or more people

  • just raise money and bring over Syrian refugees themselves.

  • It's like Kickstarter for terrorists.

  • - Almost 10,000 have been brought in by groups like ours.

  • - This is just like Game of Thrones, okay?

  • You're gonna let these brown Ice Walkers

  • go nuts up in the North,

  • then they're gonna cross the border and kill all Americans.

  • - This isn't about you.

  • We're doing this for ourselves

  • and we're doing it for the refugees we're bringing in.

  • - It is about me if I'm gonna die.

  • - It's not even that big a risk.

  • Look at the facts.

  • And we don't say a-boot.

  • - Okay, I'm sorry.

  • - That, we say.

  • - Okay, let's look at the facts.

  • Since 9/11, zero terrorists planning attacks

  • have been caught crossing the US-Canada border,

  • but if you go back almost 20 years,

  • two people have tried and one of them was a refugee.

  • Sure, he was caught and is serving two

  • consecutive life sentences,

  • but it proves you can't say

  • there is a 0% chance because it's way more.

  • There's a 0.00019% chance.

  • Our border is like a Starbucks bathroom.

  • Anybody can just walk in there and blow (bleeps) up.

  • This guy knows what I'm talking about.

  • - They're screens by the UN.

  • They're safe.

  • They come here, they Canadian-ize.

  • - No, you guys.

  • - Don't you have more Americans dying from gun incidents

  • and mass shootings than from terrorism every year?

  • - But those people aren't terrorists.

  • They have mental problems, there's a difference.

  • - The difference being the color of the skin?

  • - Yes, White people have mental illnesses.

  • Brown people are biologically

  • designed to kill you guys.

  • - Have you met a recent-arrived refugee?

  • - Why would I go meet someone who's gonna kill me?

  • - So we're gonna decide not to help 49,999 people

  • because one person went bad?

  • - Yep.

  • That's the American way.

  • - That's not how we look at it.

  • We wouldn't blame all Syrians for that one Syrian.

  • We don't blame all Americans for Donald Trump.

  • - You should.

  • These hosiers just didn't get it.

  • I decided to seek out the man who started this mess,

  • the one Canadian who could shut this whole thing down.

  • Why are you trying to destroy North America?

  • You're letting anyone walk in and just (bleeps) up.

  • - North America was built with people

  • fleeing persecution, conflicts, wars,

  • trying to build a better life

  • for themselves and their families.

  • - It's too open, it's too free.

  • Mr. J.T., I went to customs and they were like,

  • "What are you here to do?"

  • And I'm like,

  • "I am here to roast Prime Minister Justin Trudeau."

  • And do you know what the guy said?

  • "Have a nice day."

  • (laughs)

  • What if I came here to literally roasts you?

  • - You might find that a little more difficult than you,

  • than you think.

  • (audience laughs)

  • - Are you gonna kick my ass right now?

  • - Are you gonna literally roast me?

  • - No.

  • - Then we're fine.

  • - [Hasan] Things were getting heated in Ottawa.

  • Luckily, I had America to back me up.

  • Right now, 51% of Americans oppose

  • letting any Syrian refugees into the US.

  • Just like we had the guts to say

  • no to Jewish refugee children,

  • Hungarians fleeing mass murder and the Vietnamese.

  • - You know, I think maybe we have better

  • faith in the people we invite over.

  • - [Hasan] Faith?

  • You're talking about the greatest Canadian

  • terrorist threat since September 11, 2001,

  • the day Nickelback unleashed

  • their breakthrough album Silver Side Up on America.

  • That's a real fact, look it up.

  • - You know what?

  • Nickelback's all right.

  • - But you know what isn't' all right?

  • Terrorists on moose back crossing our northern border.

  • Mr. Trudeau, you cannot trust these people.

  • You're gonna breed an ISIS

  • that's impervious to cold, an ice ISIS.

  • Mr. Prime Minister,

  • we are sitting here in the wake of so many terror attacks.

  • How can you be sure letting in all of these refugees,

  • that even in .01% become radicalized,

  • you could be living with 25 different Paris attacks,

  • 25 different Belgium attack,

  • how can you go to sleep at night

  • knowing that that risk is imminent?

  • - We live in a world where there are always risks.

  • The question is how much

  • do you want to live in fear of those risks?

  • The best counter to the kind of radicalization

  • and marginalization that we've seen in other

  • parts of the world is to create

  • an inclusive society where everyone,

  • especially Muslim-Canadians,

  • have every opportunity to succeed just like everybody else.

  • - [Hasan] Okay, fair point.

  • I'm willing to admit that some refugees aren't terrorists,

  • but still, they're just so foreign.

  • - One of the great things about Canadian culture

  • is we figured out that it's done by addition.

  • So, you know,

  • you take flavors and perspectives

  • and experience of the world,

  • and you create something better than the sum of its parts.

  • - [Hasan] Wait a minute.

  • Flavors, ingredients, he's talking about a melting pot.

  • That's our thing.

  • Are we really gonna let Canada steal our brand?

  • America has always been the land of opportunity, and yes,

  • we've also kind of always been afraid of refugees too.

  • But we're at our best when we're staring terrorists

  • straight in the face and saying,

  • "Kiss our red, white, black, brown, beige, and blue asses."

  • Or as one American philosopher put it,

  • "If we were to strive to reach absolute safety,

  • "we would not have freedom."

  • Thanks, Sarah Palin, and thanks, Canada.

  • Superstar athletes have the life.

  • We're talking cars, jets,

  • even their pet albino tigers get cars.

  • But not all pro athletes are happy with the big bucks.

  • In fact, the women's soccer team

  • is taking legal action because they want more.

  • - Players on the US women's national soccer team

  • say they're being discriminated

  • against because they make less

  • than members of the men's team.

  • - [Reporter] Filed a federal complaint

  • against the US Soccer Federation.

  • - [Hasan] I sat down with three members

  • of the US women's soccer team

  • to find out why they're being so greedy.

  • - We're not being greedy.

  • We're just fighting for what's right.

  • - Our contributions to the Federation

  • should be seen as equal to what the men have done.

  • - Fine, whatever, but you need to understand

  • that the men made it to the round

  • of 16 in the World Cup.

  • - Well, we've won three World Cups.

  • - Well, they are ranked

  • 30th in the world.

  • - We're ranked number one.

  • - Um, they play with so much

  • passion.

  • - We have four Olympic gold medals.

  • - [Hasan] Humble brags, okay.

  • But how much less could their pay possibly be?

  • - If we win a match, we get $1,300.

  • The men, they get around $17,000.

  • - Whoa.

  • - If the men's team loses, they make $5,000.

  • - Five Gs if you lose?

  • Could you imagine having that much money?

  • - Can't really image it because

  • we don't get paid anything if we lose.

  • - Maybe that's why you guys don't lose.

  • Silver lining.

  • (bleeps)

  • - Kidding me?

  • - Why don't you guys just pick up second jobs?

  • Uber driving.

  • After you guys' games,

  • surge pricing will definitely be high.

  • Boom, you're driving fans home at 1.5, maybe two, three X.

  • - I don't have time to go be an Uber driver.

  • We put in our time to win gold medals for this team.

  • - Well, the US Soccer Federation

  • has its own interpretation of the pay differences.

  • The bottom line is the women

  • want them to level the playing field.

  • Oh, and they also want them to literally

  • level the playing field.

  • They're constantly forced to play on AstroTurf,

  • even at the World Cup,

  • something that the men's team has never had to do.

  • They don't play on the turf?

  • - Not one game.

  • - [Hasan] Others would argue that the women's

  • soccer team should be grateful just to play,

  • like Gavin McInnes.

  • Sure, he looks like an art school

  • dropout with The Shins cover band,

  • but he has his own show and is a Fox News contributor.

  • - Women do earn less in America because they choose to.

  • - [Hasan] Yep, not surprisingly,

  • he thinks the women's lawsuit is a waste of time.

  • - Men's soccer has been getting 10 times the eyeballs.

  • - [Hasan] You know what?

  • I'm gonna let the ladies handle this one.

  • - Well, we actually.

  • - Yeah.

  • - Broke the record for the most.

  • - Watched.

  • - Watched soccer game in the history of America,

  • the team, men or women.

  • - You're playing a man's game by man's rules.

  • This is the way it is in our world.

  • You gotta earn it.

  • - No.

  • We've brought in, what, $17 million this past year.

  • - The men lost $10 million

  • in profit for the Federation this last year.

  • - US men's soccer still gets a lot more enthusiasm.

  • Now, why is that?

  • Is that because men's soccer

  • is more interesting, more exciting?

  • - Gavin, you're down two, nothing.

  • You know what?

  • Let me try to help you.

  • Name three US men soccer players.

  • - Currently, we have Bobby Daniels.

  • - [Hasan] Bobby Daniels.

  • Okay, let's check the list.

  • Nope, not a player.

  • - Ziegler Norris.

  • - [Hasan] Also not a player.

  • - And the guy known to everyone as June Bug.

  • - [Hasan] Come on, man.

  • If you're gonna make up fake names, do better than June Bug.

  • If lunatics like this are against the women,

  • who's on their side?

  • - Billie Jean King.

  • - 100%.

  • - I mean, she's done so much for

  • women's sports.

  • - Who's that?

  • - Tennis player.

  • - I don't, I don't.

  • - [Reporter] Tennis star Billie Jean King

  • has long been campaigning for women's rights.

  • - Damn.

  • Turns out, Billie Jean King

  • is a bad ass tennis player, but also,

  • she paved the way for equal pay in tennis

  • when she defeated Bobby Riggs

  • in the 1973 Battle of the Sexes.

  • Let me get this straight.

  • All you did was defeat a man,

  • and now you have equal pay in tennis.

  • Problem solved.

  • - It wasn't easy-peasy, man.

  • When I played Bobby Riggs, that was about social change.

  • Our ratio of prize money was about eight to one,

  • and I think the women's soccer's four to one,

  • and I know what you're gonna say.

  • - Progress. - Improvement.

  • - Improvement's not enough.

  • We're supposed to be so happy if we get one crumb.

  • Oh, thank you.

  • I'm so grateful.

  • - You're welcome.

  • - We deserve the cake, the icing,

  • the cherry on top too, just like the boys.

  • - So, let's put some cleats on you, you play the men,

  • and let's get them ladies paid.

  • - You're missing the point.

  • - Okay.

  • I will play the women.

  • - Do you honestly think you can keep up

  • with the women's soccer players, seriously?

  • - We will do a Battle of the Sexes

  • BJK style because it worked for tennis.

  • - No, we'd crush you.

  • - Bobby Riggs was a champion in his sport.

  • - We didn't even know who you were until today.

  • - Um, I played two years of AYSO,

  • and I have also won trophies for effort.

  • - This is definitely a different level than that.

  • - [Hasan] Okay, fine,

  • so the Battle of the Sexes is a bad idea.

  • What else can we do?

  • - People have to get to know us.

  • So we need to really get behind women,

  • get behind them with money, exposure,

  • give them more commercials.

  • - [Hasan] A commercial, yes.

  • I could see it now.

  • - [Narrator] You can defy the odds.

  • - I became one of the best players in the world

  • at the age of 17.

  • - [Narrator] You can be great.

  • - I scored a game-winning PK in a World Cup.

  • - [Narrator] You can make history.

  • - We won three World Cups and four Olympic gold medals.

  • - [Narrator] You can aspire to be less than.

  • - Wait, what did you say?

  • - [Narrator] You can be just as good as any other person

  • as long as that person doesn't have a penis.

  • - Are you kidding me?

  • - And for all that hard work,

  • you can make four times less than a man.

  • - I don't think so.

  • You can treat us equally.

  • - [Ali] You can give us grass to play on.

  • - [Becky] You can pay us what we deserve.

  • - [All] Just (bleeps) do it.

  • - Please do it.

  • All campaign, Trump was like.

  • - I think Islam hates us.

  • Total and complete shutdown of Muslims.

  • They're not coming to this country.

  • - Now, as President,

  • he's banned immigration from these seven countries.

  • Everybody's like, "Yo.

  • "Is this the Muslim ban?"

  • - No, it's not the Muslim ban.

  • - Right, right, but is it?

  • You're Hasan the Record.

  • This thing on?

  • Trump's executive order blocks anybody

  • and everybody from seven very Muslim countries,

  • and the Mideast and Africa from entering the US at all.

  • Now, this may not be the Muslim ban,

  • but it's definitely a Muslim ban.

  • But hold up, can he do that?

  • Since Trump signed the order,

  • all of my melanin bros are calling me up like.

  • - Dude, this is America.

  • We're like the best at religious liberty, okay?

  • He can't get away with this (bleeps).

  • - That's right, he can't get away with this (bleeps).

  • Even my constitutional law bros are like.

  • - He might get away with this (bleeps).

  • - Oh, that's right.

  • While a ban based explicitly

  • on religion is probably illegal,

  • one based on nation of origin isn't.

  • Oh, shit, loophole.

  • By implementing a ban based on people

  • from certain countries, you know, the Muslim ones.

  • Okay, don't play that.

  • People are gonna get scared.

  • Good.

  • Basically, Trump can achieve the same goal.

  • It's like this.

  • Imagine if this adorable bulldog is a Muslim.

  • (speaks in foreign language)

  • - You can't hate this bulldog.

  • That's be wrong.

  • But put him in this Somalia sweater,

  • and it's totally cool to be like waterboard that puppy.

  • Aww.

  • Our hatred of bulldogs was legalized in 1952

  • when the Immigration and Nationality Act

  • said when the President finds that the entry

  • of any aliens would be detrimental

  • to the interests of the United States,

  • he may impose any restrictions

  • he may deem to be appropriate.

  • If you experience an erection longer than four hours,

  • please call your doctor.

  • Ah, translation?

  • Yo, yo, yo.

  • Aliens are detrimenting our interests.

  • I gotta do restrictions 'cause national security.

  • Historically, presidents have justified

  • a lot of stuff with national security.

  • It's basically like a star in Super Mario Bros.,

  • or bath salts in Florida.

  • It makes you invincible.

  • Trail of Tears?

  • National security.

  • Chinese Exclusion Act?

  • National security.

  • The guy who wrote Peace Train?

  • Oh, national security to the face.

  • Okay, so Trump's ban is barely legal.

  • Didn't he also say something about a Muslim database?

  • - Beyond database, we should have a lot of systems.

  • - Oh, dang, but Trump's executive order

  • last Friday doesn't mention it.

  • Probably because databases and registries are problematic,

  • and we'd never do one.

  • Get woke, get woke.

  • Woke up.

  • We did do one.

  • In 2002, the US began the National Security

  • Entry-Exit Registration System, or NSEERS.

  • The program forced people entering

  • from 24 Muslim-majority countries to register

  • and regularly check in with authorities.

  • The NSEERS Program accomplished the following:

  • it placed 13,000 people in deportation proceedings

  • including one Lebanese Christian dude from Texas.

  • Hee-haw.

  • And out of 83,519 cases,

  • NSEERS caught zero terrorists.

  • That's right, zero for 83,519,

  • the worst shooting percentage in history.

  • The dude behind NSEERS was Kris Kobach of Kansas.

  • I'm sure that's just a coincidence.

  • Kobach sucked so hard at his job

  • that he became a key immigration

  • adviser to President Trump.

  • Kobach's literal number one idea for Trump, NSEERS.

  • But here's the orange line,

  • bans and registries like these

  • only affect foreign nationals.

  • So if you're an American citizen like me,

  • nothing to worry about.

  • - We were American citizens.

  • - Oh (bleeps).

  • It's Japanese-American George Takei.

  • - Because we looked like the enemy,

  • we were treated like the enemy and imprisoned.

  • - Okay, so it happened once,

  • and the law that allowed interment

  • has never technically been overturned, but, but, but,

  • that could never happen today

  • because now we have smartphones.

  • Whoa, what I just said was so real,

  • and it's like I always say,

  • injustice anywhere is a threat to justice other places also.

  • Go to HasanTheRecord.com to cop your Minhaj mug.

  • Keep your tee tight and your mind open.

  • Tune in next week when I go

  • Hasan the Record on Jeff Sessions.

  • Just because someone says something racist, is it?

  • Think about it, y'all.

  • See you next week.

  • (audience applauds)

  • - Hasan, how are you feeling right now?

  • - Trevor, like many Americans,

  • I have spent the last 12 hours

  • refreshing the Canadian Immigration

  • website which keeps crashing.

  • So I am panicking because

  • melanin doesn't rub off.

  • But look, Donald Trump won.

  • We gotta take the L.

  • He spoke to people who felt ignored by Washington

  • and want their jobs back, and I understand.

  • I don't quite get how you get there

  • by electing a guy who collects bankruptcies

  • the way Michael Jordan collects rings, but okay,

  • they deserve to be heard and last night we heard them.

  • But I can't forget something else I heard.

  • On December 7, 2015,

  • Donald Trump called for a total

  • and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States.

  • I remember that date because it's the birth date

  • of the worst (bleeps) day of my life.

  • Seriously, how is that not instantly disqualifying?

  • Even if that's not why most people voted for him,

  • open racism should just be a deal breaker.

  • You personally may not be a racists, sexist, xenophobe,

  • but that comes with the package, right?

  • Like if a car comes with heated seats,

  • you may not want them but you'll take them.

  • - Yeah, but then if the seats go,

  • "Hey, don't sit on me, camel jockey."

  • - You should be like, "Hey, I don't want the car."

  • - Makes sense.

  • - So if you take that deal, what you're telling me is,

  • "Hey, man, I don't hate you.

  • "I just don't care about you."

  • - You know though, there is a chance,

  • and I know it's weird to say this.

  • There is a chance that maybe

  • he'll end up being more moderate.

  • - Ah, die of xenophonia.

  • That's cool.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Low-calorie racism, mm, like what?

  • This is a true story.

  • My mom

  • is out of the country right now.

  • She's visiting my grandma,

  • and she's a US citizen.

  • She's lived here 30 years.

  • She's on the phone with me last night and she's like,

  • "Hasan, I don't know if I can come back until February.

  • "Am I gonna be able to get back into the country?"

  • The fact that I can't tell her yes

  • with 100% certainty is heartbreaking.

  • There are a lot of people telling me,

  • "Hey, man, don't worry.

  • "Trump's not really gonna ban all Muslims."

  • But I don't know, man.

  • That is my mom,

  • and I need her back home

  • because I love her and she owes me $300.

  • (audience laughs)

  • - Thank you, Hasan.

  • Hasan Minhaj, everybody.

  • (upbeat music)

- Before we get into the special,

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