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  • On a normal night, the debates would be

  • the only news anyone would be talking about,

  • but since Trump became president,

  • there has been no normal night.

  • So today we're gonna be covering the debate

  • and we're gonna be covering the blockbuster impeachment hearing

  • that rocked Washington, D.C.

  • So first up, let's get into it.

  • Tonight was the fifth Democratic debate,

  • and it took place down in Atlanta, Georgia,

  • at Tyler Perry Studios,

  • where they film numerous movies and TV shows.

  • And I'll be honest, I'm just glad Joe Biden finally made it

  • to the right soundstage, because for a while today

  • he was just wandering around in the background

  • -(laughter) -of other movies, uh...

  • It was really awkward. Madea was like,

  • "Give me one of those famous massages while you here.

  • I'm tight as hell, Joe Biden."

  • Now, at the last debate, in October,

  • they had 12 Democrats crammed on stage.

  • Yeah, it was so tight people could barely move.

  • But then Spirit Airlines was like, "Hey, that's our thing!"

  • -(laughter) -So this time...

  • the Democrats scaled it back down to an even ten.

  • And the candidates were joined by four moderators

  • who, for the first time this campaign season,

  • were all women.

  • Which, personally, I didn't even notice...

  • -(cheering, applause) -Yeah.

  • It's amazing, but I...

  • I didn't even notice, because I don't see color.

  • -(laughter) -Now...

  • the major change, the major change from the last debate

  • is the rise of Pete Buttigieg, right?

  • Mayor of South Bend, Indiana,

  • and the only adult Michael Jackson would be into.

  • -(laughter, groans) -Over the past few weeks,

  • he has surged from the middle of the pack

  • to take the lead in Iowa and New Hampshire.

  • So now, between Buttigieg, Biden, Warren and Bernie,

  • this has become a four-way race.

  • And if you include Cory Booker, it's still a four-way race.

  • -(laughter, groans) -So...

  • with Buttigieg rising in the polls,

  • tonight the moderators asked him something

  • a lot of people are wondering:

  • Why should a teenage mayor from South Bend, Indiana,

  • become president of the United States?

  • Mayor Buttigieg,

  • let's talk about your record as a candidate.

  • Why should Democrats take the risk of betting on you?

  • In order to defeat this president,

  • we need somebody who can go toe-to-toe,

  • who actually comes from the kinds of communities

  • that he's been appealing to.

  • I don't talk a big game about helping the working class

  • while helicoptering between golf courses

  • with my name on them.

  • I don't even golf. As a matter of fact,

  • I never thought I'd be on a Forbes magazine list,

  • but, uh, they did one of all the candidates by wealth,

  • and I'm literally the least wealthy person on this stage.

  • Yeah, Pete Buttigieg may be the poorest person on that stage,

  • but Bernie was like, "Yes, but I look the poorest!

  • -(laughter) -And that should count for something!"

  • You know, it's actually funny how running for president

  • is the only time people brag

  • about how much money they don't have.

  • Right? It's like they're all Bizarro rappers, you know?

  • Started from the bottom, never left

  • Started from the bottom, and my whole team

  • Is in the exact same place because there's been

  • No upward mobility for the last 30, 40 years

  • In this country. ♪

  • And I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie.

  • A lot of tonight's debate

  • sounded exactly like what we've heard in the previous four.

  • You know, Medicare for all versus a public option.

  • Pragmatism versus revolution.

  • Joe Biden versus his own mouth.

  • -(laughter) -But...

  • one new thing we did see tonight

  • were some brand-new beefs,

  • like Elizabeth Warren versus Cory Booker

  • on the wealth tax.

  • You know, I have proposed a two-cent wealth tax.

  • That is a tax for everybody who has

  • more than $50 billion in assets.

  • Your first $50 billion is free and clear,

  • but your $50 billionth and first dollar,

  • you got to pitch in two cents.

  • I don't agree with the wealth tax

  • the way that Elizabeth Warren puts it.

  • The top one-tenth of one percent

  • that I want to see pay two cents more,

  • they'll pay 3.2% in America.

  • The tax the way we're putting it forward right now,

  • the wealth tax, I'm sorry, it's cumbersome.

  • It's been tried by other nations.

  • Two-cent wealth tax, and we can invest

  • in an entire generation's future.

  • We Democrats also have to talk

  • about how to grow wealth as well.

  • When I stood in church recently

  • and asked folks, in a black church,

  • how many people here want to be entrepreneurs,

  • half the church raised their hands.

  • Yeah, and one guy in the back was like,

  • "Nigga, what's an entrepreneur?"

  • -(laughter) -It's French for "businessman."

  • "Well, I don't want to be a French businessman!

  • "I want to be an American businessman!

  • -It's got a whole lot more je ne sais quoi." -(laughter)

  • So there was Warren and Booker arguing about wealth tax.

  • Then there was a beef that really came out of nowhere.

  • Kamala Harris versus Tulsi Gabbard.

  • We have someone on this stage who is attempting to be

  • the Democratic nominee for President of the United States

  • who, during the Obama administration,

  • spent four years full-time on Fox News,

  • criticizing President Obama.

  • ...buddied up to Steve Bannon to get a meeting

  • with Donald Trump in the Trump Tower.

  • What Senator Harris is doing

  • is unfortunately continuing to traffic in lies

  • and smears and innuendoes, because she cannot challenge

  • the substance of the argument that I'm making.

  • People, please, stop fighting.

  • It's not worth it.

  • Neither of you are gonna be president.

  • What are you doing?

  • That was the most intense argument

  • I've seen in Atlanta that didn't involve NeNe.

  • That was really intense.

  • I also love how they're doing it with smiles on their faces.

  • (chuckling): Oh, well, the thing about you

  • is I want to break your face.

  • But please, but please, don't get me wrong.

  • Tonight wasn't all about beefs, right?

  • In fact, there was one moment between the candidates

  • that was actually kind of sweet.

  • First, I just want to stick up for Tom.

  • We have a broken campaign finance system,

  • but Tom has been spending his own money

  • fighting climate change.

  • And you can't knock someone for having money

  • and spending it in the right way.

  • -It's my opinion. -(cheers and applause)

  • -Thanks, Andrew. -No problem.

  • Aw. Yang 2020.

  • Everyone gets a thousand dollars and a compliment.

  • I love it.

  • Like, Andrew Yang is so nice,

  • I bet he would have the best concession speech ever.

  • He'd be like, "I may not have won the presidency,

  • "but I won something more important: a friend.

  • Thank you."

  • Now, just like in previous debates,

  • one of the most awkward moments of the night

  • came courtesy of the original gaffe machine

  • when he was talking about domestic violence.

  • Joe Biden.

  • No man has a right

  • to raise a hand to a woman in anger

  • other than in self-defense

  • and that is rarely ever occurs.

  • And so we have to just change the culture, period.

  • And keep punching at it, and punching at it,

  • and punching at it.

  • It will be a big-- No, I really mean it.

  • It-It will make-- I-it's a gigantic issue.

  • (laughter)

  • What are you doing?

  • What are you doing, Joe?

  • The only way he can recover from that

  • is if he just starts making

  • bad word choices his thing, you know?

  • He just needs to, like, dig deeper and just be like,

  • "We need to get right to the heart of the drug epidemic.

  • "I'm saying get deep in the veins of the drug problem.

  • And when we do it, it's gonna feel so good."

  • (laughter)

  • So the candidates once again spent two hours tonight

  • trying to show voters what separated them

  • from the other people on the stage.

  • But when it came to Trump,

  • they were all trying to show that they were the same.

  • We have a president

  • who is not only a pathological liar,

  • he is likely the most corrupt president

  • in the modern history of America.

  • Read the Mueller report, all 442 pages of it,

  • that showed how the president tried to obstruct justice.

  • Sucking up to Vladimir Putin every minute of the day.

  • The president had to confess in writing, in court,

  • to illegally diverting charitable contributions

  • that were supposed to go to veterans.

  • First of all, we have a criminal living in the White House.

  • (gasps) A criminal in the White House.

  • Someone needs to tell Donald Trump.

  • I bet he was watching this at home terrified like,

  • (mimics Trump): "Oh, no, a criminal?

  • I hope he doesn't steal all this stuff I already stole."

  • (laughter)

  • (normal voice): But look, it was no surprise

  • that at a Democratic debate

  • they were talking impeachment tonight.

  • Because you see, the biggest political story today

  • was a blockbuster hearing in Congress

  • where we heard testimony from Gordon Sondland,

  • Trump's ambassador to the E.U.

  • and Homer Simpson's body double.

  • He's the first witness to testify

  • who spoke directly to President Trump

  • about what he wanted from Ukraine.

  • And today he admitted, he admitted that, yes,

  • Trump demanded a quid pro quo.

  • Specifically, if Ukraine's president got dirt on Joe Biden,

  • Trump would have a meeting

  • with Zelensky in the White House.

  • Which shows you how bad Trump wanted dirt on Joe Biden,

  • 'cause usually Trump will do anything

  • to get out of a meeting.

  • Yeah. One time he even called in a bomb threat.

  • He was like, (mimics Trump): "Hello, White House?

  • "This is Mr. Al Qaeda.

  • "I'm calling in a bomb threat between 3:00 and 4:00 p.m.

  • "in the conference room,

  • but keep the doughnuts there, I'll eat them later."

  • (normal voice): And here's the thing, here's the thing,

  • not only did Sondland testify

  • that Trump ordered a quid pro quo,

  • he testified that basically everyone

  • in the administration knew about it.

  • Everyone. Seriously.

  • He threw everybody under the bus:

  • Mike Pompeo, Mike Pence,

  • Mic Mulvaney, John Bolton,

  • John Bolton's mustache,

  • even John Bolton's mustache's mustache.

  • But there's one man in particular

  • that Sondland put at the center of the whole scandal:

  • Rudy Giuliani.

  • Secretary Perry,

  • Ambassador Volker and I worked

  • with Mr. Rudy Giuliani on Ukraine matters

  • at the express direction

  • of the president of the United States.

  • We did not want to work with Mr. Giuliani.

  • We worked with Mr. Giuliani

  • because the president directed us to do so.

  • President Trump directed us to, "talk with Rudy."

  • Let me say again, we weren't happy

  • with the president's directive to talk with Rudy.

  • We did not want to involve Mr. Giuliani.

  • Oh, goddam, nobody wanted to work with Rudy Giuliani?

  • You know, Sondland was talking about Rudy like he was--

  • like that weird kid that your mom made you play with.