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  • (funky music)

  • - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,

  • the only news team that doesn't know what's on

  • the teleprompter before they read it.

  • Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

  • This is, Breaking News.

  • - Hello and welcome to Breaking News,

  • the show where we don't know what we're about to say,

  • and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

  • I'm Buck Fruckster.

  • (laughter)

  • Out of the gate.

  • And to my left is anchor number two.

  • She does have a name and that name is...

  • - Glennn with three n's.

  • (laughter)

  • - We begin tonight with the first story:

  • Babies.

  • Babies are the shriveled rats

  • that husbands and wives make by peeing on each other.

  • Everyone knows that babies smell bad

  • and suck at math,

  • but did you know babies turn into people?

  • - [Glennn] Smart scientists at a university somewhere

  • say that people used to be babies,

  • and when babies become enormous,

  • that's how people happen.

  • - [Buck] Fascinating!

  • So, I was a baby before I got so huge?

  • - Exactly, but babies don't stop changing

  • once they shape shift into people.

  • When people die, they turn into skeletons,

  • and the skeletons are made of bones

  • which are worth a lot of money.

  • After you die,

  • you can sell your bones to a weird dude on the internet

  • (laughter)

  • and he will pay top dollar to own your skeleton

  • and dress it up very sexy.

  • (muffled laughter)

  • He will kiss your skeleton.

  • - [Buck] I can't wait to sell my bones after I die

  • and get rich.

  • I will buy a boat with my bone money.

  • - [Glennn] Now we turn to the United Nations,

  • the building where all the countries scream at each other.

  • Our world news correspondent Dogboy...

  • (laughter)

  • Our world news correspondent Dogboy Dimples

  • is live on the scene to tell us what happened today.

  • Dogboy, what's the scoopity doopity do?

  • - Thanks Glennn with three n's.

  • Major news happened at the United Nations today

  • when all the countries declared peace on each other

  • so they could team up and kick my a**.

  • Russia and America agreed to be friends

  • and are planning to take turns paddling

  • my sweet little behind and twisting my nips

  • 'til I scream for mercy.

  • - Dogboy, it sounds like you are terrible

  • and deserve all this.

  • - Yes, Buck, I'm the worst.

  • My stupid [Censored] Face is annoying as hell,

  • and my pie hole never stops yapping.

  • - [Glennn] What else will the United Nations do to you?

  • - Well, Italy is going to hold my arms

  • and Peru is going to hold my legs,

  • so I can't run away like the little [Censored] I am.

  • France is going to spit in my hair,

  • and China will give me a wet willy.

  • Then England will kick me hard in the ribs

  • and all the countries will laugh,

  • until they notice I'm not breathing.

  • The countries will scream,

  • "What the [Censored] Will we do?

  • We went too far, oh [Censored].

  • The nations of the world will then panic and run away.

  • - Thanks Dogboy.

  • We hate you, go [Censored] Yourself,

  • and great work as always.

  • - I say tornado, you say tornahdo.

  • No matter how you pronounce it,

  • the death toll is 85 dead and rising

  • in the town of Smishburg,

  • after a cyclone decimated it today.

  • Our weatherperson Crystal Lake is on

  • the scene of the tragedy.

  • Crystal, tell us about that smushed city.

  • - One second there was no tornado,

  • the next second it was tornado time.

  • The whole town is a [Censored] Mess,

  • and I have a list of all the buildings that were destroyed.

  • - Please read it.

  • You must read it.

  • Read it now.

  • - Okay, but only because I want to.

  • The tornado wrecked the town's all-nude library.

  • It demolished concussion stadium,

  • the beloved football stadium where

  • high school kids get concussions

  • and their proud parents cheer

  • "My son's brain is broken now!"

  • It destroyed the wax museum that only has

  • statues of Robert Downey Jr.

  • From when he was still addicted to drugs.

  • The tornado also sucked all the gorillas out of the town's

  • zoo and sent them flying way high into the sky.

  • Which is sad because they all died,

  • but also was kinda hilarious to watch because

  • the gorillas were very surprised and had

  • pretty goofy expressions.

  • - Just horrible.

  • I wish that tornado was a person so it could go to jail.

  • (laughter)

  • (laughter)

  • (laughter)

  • - Yep.

  • - I also wish the tornado would go to jail.

  • - It's interesting you say that

  • because the jail was also destroyed.

  • (laughter)

  • (laughter)

  • - Amy's crying.

  • - Sorry the jail was also what, Crystal?

  • - Destroyed.

  • - Oh, bummer.

  • (laughter)

  • - And it wasn't like one of those bad jails.

  • - You think that's gonna help?

  • Wow!

  • - Jimmy Stewart.

  • (laughter)

  • - I think we've lost Crystal.

  • - And it wasn't like one of those bad jails

  • with, like, injustice.

  • It was a cool, Johnny Cash-style jail

  • that people make awesome songs about.

  • Total bummer.

  • - [Buck] Crystal, did they say how much

  • it would cost to rebuild?

  • - Oh they're not gonna bother.

  • I'm saying the nice stuff about the town right now,

  • but honestly it sucked.

  • Mean people who deserved what they got.

  • - Mean people suck.

  • I saw that on a t-shirt once.

  • That's all the time we have for today.

  • Before we go, we must announce that today's loser

  • is Amy Vorpahl.

  • Surprising no one.

  • (laughter)

  • Incredible.

  • A near 100 percent meltdown.

  • - I had my face planned and everything.

  • (laughter)

  • - [Dogboy] With her face planned?

  • - I have a face that I can do that makes me not laugh.

  • But it didn't work.

  • - What is your face that makes you not laugh?

  • - I'm trying to do it it was.

  • - [Buck] Yeah!

  • That's not funny at all.

  • What a perfect parachute, a ripcord for you to pull

  • in case things get too silly.

  • (laughter)

  • - Stop!

  • Please!

  • - A fail-safe strategy to never laugh again!

  • (laughter)

  • Let me try that, see if that works.

  • (laughter)

  • - Hello I'm Jim Jam Smanglers the swindler cat.

  • If you liked that video there are ten full episodes

  • of Breaking News that will only be available on

  • Dropout.tv.

  • Start your free trial today.

  • And now make way for Sam Riche,

  • the manager cat.

  • Wait I can't sing!

  • Can't sing.

(funky music)

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