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  • -Hi.

  • -Hi.

  • Oh yeah. I want a burrito but like... the tortillas are so high in calories and I'm trying to eat healthier, so...I don't know?

  • - How about a bowl then?

  • Okay, perfect. So I'll have beans,

  • Rice,

  • Steak,

  • Oh, a TON of sour cream

  • Oh and A LOT of cheese. More cheese

  • More.

  • MORE.

  • And Queso.

  • Is that it?

  • Oh, can I also get approximately two tortillas worth of chips?

  • You know since I'm eating healthy, I might as well treat myself, you know.

  • You go Denise. Ahha

  • Every Chipotle ever.

  • Uh, could I get beans on there?

  • Black...or pinto?

  • Uh...what's the difference?

  • You tell me.

  • I mean c...come on like beans are beans r...right?

  • I don't know, are they?

  • I don't know.

  • I think you do, so black or pinto?

  • Look a- a- a

  • Pinto!

  • Okay, heh, wow!

  • What?

  • Nothing, nothing. *Wow, dude*

  • Okay, fine, whatever. Uhm, can you put rice on that too?

  • White or brown?

  • You want a quesadilla? It'll be ready in two days.

  • Rice?

  • Uhhh.. No, I'm good on rice, thank you.

  • Cool.

  • Toppings?

  • Yeah, mild salsa, and um... You know what, can I actually get the rice, please?

  • Were you not offered rice earlier?

  • No, I asked him, he said no.

  • Sir, you said no.

  • Yeah, but I changed my mind?

  • Uh.

  • Sir, this is the toppings portion of the assembly. The rice is over in the bases.

  • Can you walk back over to the rice?

  • I-I-I'm assigned toppings today, so no.

  • Okay, can you hand him the burrito?

  • No, the burritos can only travel in one swift direction.

  • It's right there!

  • Sir, I don't know how they do things at H&R Block or wherever chaotic sh*thole you work,

  • but here at Chipotle, we have strict rules and regulations, you got it?

  • Yeah, and for trying to bully us into violating those rules, we're gonna have to ask you to leave. - Get out.

  • Seriously.

  • Yes

  • Okay, fine.

  • What a jerk. - Yeah, you're telling me.

  • Excuse me. - Yeah, what's up?

  • Sofritas is Spanish for: ain't no meat in this!

  • I told you I can't eat anything here. The burritos are too big and they make my belly all bloated.

  • Why can't we just do something I wanna do?

  • Because everything you like to do sucks ass. Okay look, I'm sorry for going off on you in this restaurant, but just being honest.

  • You know what? I'll be right back.

  • Okay

  • Can I have one burrito, please?

  • Great. Can we go now?

  • OHH!

  • Yeah.

  • I order the bowl and then I just use chips as a utensil

  • And that's the guacamole. - Oh cool.

  • Yeah I like to remind people that's extra just to put them in their place. - Sure.

  • Now let me teach you how to wrap a burrito. - Oh, I think I'm actually good on that.

  • You sure? - Yeah, it's wrapping a burrito. How hard is it gonna be?

  • Alright.

  • No, that's not it, that's not it.

  • Okay, then you pick it up and we're goo-, We know that now.

  • That is the swan's head. Chill, that's chill. Let's just fold it as best we ca-

  • Damnit. Hold this up. Tuck it in like that, flip it over. No, that'll never work!

  • Turn it up. So we're gonna tuck it. Tuck it. And tuck it.

  • *Screaming*

  • Failure!

  • Disgusting!

  • We can salvage this.

  • Oh-ho!

  • Quitin' time.

  • F**K *crash* God-

  • Sorry we're out of grilled veggies. We always have been and we always will be.

  • What's with all the writing on the cups? - I dunno, I never actually read it.

  • Hey you, yeah, you. Did, you know that Chipotle's cup artists are all indentured servants paid weekly in burritos?

  • There were six of us, each one kidnapped and taken to a lighthouse by Robo under the light of the full moon.

  • Kept under lock and key and hidden from the world. Of the original 6, 4 have perished from the E. coli in the lettuce.

  • but that's not why I'm writing this. I miss my wife. Her name is Sarah Rynerson.

  • If you know her,

  • Please tell Sarah that I love her.

  • I need her to know that I didn't leave and I promise I'll find a way home to her.

  • Wow, that is such corporate bulls***. - Totally.

  • Are you actually gonna order a margarita here?

  • Salsa?

  • Uh, yeah salsa's free, right?

  • Yeah. - Okay, then I would like the avocado salsa.

  • The guacamole is extra.

  • I thought you said salsa was free.

  • Yeah, but guacamole is guacamole and it's extra.

  • Oh, okay, okay, how about this? Can you give me a whole avocado, cause that's basically a vegetable

  • which we all know is free, and then you give me some salsa and I do all the hard work?

  • No.

  • Okay, okay hear me out.

  • Uh, how about you hold on to the cheese and sour cream

  • cause I know those are your big ticket items and although I'm entitled to them

  • I will let you keep them. You give me some guacamole.

  • and a little bit of extra meat for my trouble and then you get to sell that cheese, I get to get my

  • guacamole, and then your corporate overlords are none the wiser.

  • I'm going on break.

  • Excuse me, sir, can I interest you in buying some guacamole and then giving me half of it?

  • The cheeseurito is a real thing and it's on the secret menu. Order it.

  • Hey, yeah, I would like one tortil-la, please.

  • Oh my god, I'm sorry.

  • She would like Una Tortilla.

  • What're you doing?

  • Courtney this isn't Taco Bell, okay, this is an authentic Mexican experience, alright. Just let me do the talking.

  • Si yo would like muy grande burrito con carnitas y frijoles and salsa picante bellamos

  • Dude, I don't know what you're saying.

  • He wants one of those meat wraps that has like the little black potatoes and the spicy ketchup.

  • OHHHH ya ya ya!

  • I can do that for sure. I can definitely be that guy for you.

  • None of you have culture, apparently.

  • *BEEP*

  • excuse me?

  • Yeah!

  • Can I get a mustard hoagie?

  • A homeless woman is inside here again.

  • Okay, uh. Can I- can I get a hot Italian sub?

  • *BEEP*

  • Help!

  • Got another dead guy.

  • I'm not dead yet.

  • He's gonna be dead soon.

  • *BEEP*

  • Salma Hayek

  • *BEEP*

  • Bellamos

  • Let's see, potato time

  • Is that bathrooms?

  • *BEEP*

  • Son?

  • Dad?

  • Oh my God!

  • - Oh my God.

  • I thought you died in that fire.

  • - I did.

  • What?

  • They put.... a new.... brain into my-

  • Really improved yourself into a hole that time, eh buddy?

  • Thank you guys so much for watching Every Chipotle Ever.

  • If you still want to see more sketches check out the one we did last week: Dating in 1999 vs. 2019.

  • Or if you're in a summer games mode and want to see some competitions, click this playlist to see everything we've done so far.

-Hi.

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B2 guacamole salsa burrito rice chipotle beep

EVERY CHIPOTLE EVER

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    林宜悉 posted on 2019/08/28
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