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  • - There is a belief in our culture--

  • not just our culture, I think many cultures--

  • that family is everything, that it's

  • the first tribe and the last tribe,

  • that family is alpha and omega.

  • And you said something in an interview

  • that I was really struck by its power,

  • and this is for everybody in the room who's watching

  • and anybody who's watching who needs to hear it.

  • You said, "You can love someone and still

  • choose to say goodbye to them."

  • [APPLAUSE]

  • You said, "You can miss a person every day

  • and still be glad that they're no longer in your life."

  • [APPLAUSE]

  • I think y'all are clapping because y'all know

  • that's the truth, right? AUDIENCE: Yes.

  • And I think that for a lot of people that's a contradiction,

  • that if you love, then you're supposed to put up with it

  • no matter what and that if you, you know, are missing them,

  • then you can't also be glad that they're gone.

  • But, I mean, I think there's such power and wisdom in that.

  • I think there was a long time for me I thought because I

  • loved him that meant maybe I'd made the wrong decision

  • or because I miss them, then I would second guess

  • myself and think, oh, because I miss them it

  • must mean that I've made a mistake.

  • And it took me a really long time to figure out

  • that, yeah, love is just love.

  • One of the last things that happened between me

  • and my father the last time I saw him, he came over

  • and he gave me this really awkward side hug.

  • And he said to me, "I love you.

  • You know that?"

  • And I said, "I do.

  • That has never been the issue."

  • And I always knew my father loved me.

  • Of course I knew he loved me, and I

  • don't think my dad did anything that he

  • did from a lack of love.

  • And I think we do love a real disservice when we make it

  • about control and power and changing people,

  • and that's not what it is.

  • You love people.

  • You give them that for free, and then you

  • decide whether that's something that you

  • want to have in your life.

  • And the alternative is to say, well, I'm going to change them,

  • and then I'll have them in my life, and that's not love.

  • That's not what love is.

  • That's not what it does, and that's

  • not the power that it has.

  • So I would say with my own family, I love them now.

  • I'm estranged from half my family.

  • I love them very much, but I've accepted the fact

  • that I need them to change to have them in my life,

  • and whether or not they change is something

  • I have no control over.

  • And you write that every time you return

  • to your father's house, in your mind you were still kind

  • of that 16-year-old girl and that your final transformation,

  • you say, it was the one that allowed you to actually break

  • free from your family occurred when inside your mind you

  • stopped being the daughter your father raised

  • and became your own self.

  • I think for me, it comes down to being

  • able to conceive of a different thing

  • than the life you have in front of you.

  • There's a scripture that I really like.

  • It's about faith.

  • It's my favorite scripture.

  • I loved it when I was Mormon, and I love

  • it and I'm not Mormon still.

  • I still love it.

  • And it's Hebrews.

  • I think it's 11:1.

  • And it says that faith is the substance of things hoped for--

  • --things hoped for.

  • --the evidence of things not seen.

  • [APPLAUSE]

  • Church people!

  • Church people.

  • Church people in here!

  • And I think for me there was one of the things that made it

  • hard for me to let go of my family

  • was not being able to imagine any kind of future life

  • that didn't have them in it, and I think

  • that's what everybody does.

  • We grow up in these families, and we learn certain patterns.

  • And we think that we're all liberated and changed,

  • and then as soon as we get back in that situation,

  • we repeat those patterns.

  • Or worse, very often we have dysfunctional family

  • relationships, and then we go out into the world

  • and we find people who will repeat that pattern with us.

  • Yeah, some people never leave it.

  • Yeah. - We attract those people.

  • And I think I love this idea of faith

  • as a belief in a better world and a different world

  • and a different life than you've experienced,

  • love that you may not have experienced yet.

  • But to let go of what is and try to see what things could be I

  • think of as a really amazing intersection

  • between faith and education because it's

  • those two things together.

  • It's the ability to see your life as it is

  • and imagine a different life.

- There is a belief in our culture--

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