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- This is a story of when I realized
why I don't date White guys.
See, in the past it was a long string of Latinos
and a Korean and that didn't work out
and I'm missing out on a whole dating pool.
So I was like, "I'mma open it up on ok cupid.
"Let's date a White guy."
But I didn't figure out my limits with White guys
until my third date with this guy, Jim.
His real name wasn't Jim,
but it was basically Jim.
- My parents were totally right.
The piano lessons really did pay off.
- We're not gonna tell them that though, right?
- No (laughing)
but I mean, me being a professional musician
might tip them off.
- (laughing) Yeah, totally.
During the walk, I could feel him
making a move,
but I wasn't ready.
So as he was leaning in,
I blocked him, no!
Hey, these plants aren't native to California, right?
- Hey, let's stop by my house.
It's on the way to lunch.
Let me show you those jazz records.
- In his defense,
we were actually talking about his jazz records.
Jim makes a beeline to his bedroom.
As I follow him, I see something
out of the corner of my eye.
(menacing music)
A set of decorative Samurai swords.
And in that moment, a rush of memories snap in.
He did tell me on our first date
that he taught English in Japan.
And oh right, he did tell me on our second date
that he took Mandarin Chinese classes.
What was I thinking?
He wants to add me to his collection
of decorative Oriental objects.
You know, maybe it's just the one thing.
What is it they say?
Once is an accident.
Twice is a coincidence.
But three times?
(menacing music)
Is an enemy action.
I mean, even my extra Chinese immigrant parent's house
had three fewer calligraphy scrolls than this guy.
And in that moment of panic,
I imagined that all Jim wanted was
someone in that bedroom
wearing a silky kimono robe,
chopsticks in her hair
and ribbon dancing for him.
Because let's be honest,
the only two sub-populations of people
that I could possibly date
who would have that many
Chinese calligraphy scrolls on their walls
would be number one,
real Asian gangster AZN pride gangster dudes
who have these scrolls, unironically,
because that shit's beautiful.
And the second group?
Owners of Chinatown curio gift shops
who lack storage.
I knew the day was over,
but I still wanted that Vietnamese food
that Jim said was so good.
I'm at the front door
and as I'm putting on my shoes
because, of course--
Hey, what's that?
- [Jim] Oh that's just the culmination
of my entire music career.
- In the middle of this plaque
was a photo of him
shaking the hand of an old important White guy
and Jim is wearing
a blue silk China man jacket.
For the biggest moment of Jim's entire career,
he wanted to look like Jackie Chan.
That was it.
I was like, I'm done with White land.
I could see the bridge to White land
and it looks really great on the other side
with their high cheek bones,
J. Crew outfits and potato salad,
but I was done.
First I thought, "You know what?
"I'mma bomb this bridge to White land.
"No Jenny shall pass."
And then I realized,
it's not that I shouldn't date any White guys,
it's that I should not date a White guy
who's more Asian than me.
(lively music)
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When You Realize He Has Yellow Fever

280 Folder Collection
柠檬桉 published on July 21, 2019
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