Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • Hello, I am Jodie Benveniste, psychologist and a parenting author and I help parents get

  • to the true heart of parenting.

  • In this video we're going to talk about parenting styles

  • and which parenting styles works best for children.

  • We know from research that parenting is really important for children’s outcomes.

  • In fact the neuroscience literature really shows us that the relationships our children

  • have when they are growing up, and their environment, have a big impact on their

  • growth and development.

  • We also know from research that there is a parenting style that is best for children.

  • We can actually divide parenting styles into 4 main categories.

  • It might be that you use one or more of these different parenting styles at different times,

  • but you also might have a dominant parenting style that you rely on, particularly if

  • you are tired or stressed.

  • The authoritarian parenting style offers children lots of structure and boundaries and discipline.

  • Children who grow up with the authoritarian parenting style can be quite obedient but

  • they can also lack self-worth and not necessarily have great wellbeing, and that’s because

  • this parenting style can be a little bit too harsh and lack a bit of warmth and love.

  • The authoritarian parenting style doesn't allow children to make their own decisions.

  • Parents really want them to obey, to 'do what I say because I told you so'.

  • They tend to focus more on punishment than guiding and teaching their children good behaviour.

  • They can also parent based on their mood and can fly off the handle, rather than parenting

  • based on the situation of what their child's done.

  • And at school they can really have high expectations of their children, but sometimes they don’t

  • offer the love and support that children need to really do well at school.

  • With the authoritarian parenting style children might be obedient and they might do what you say

  • but they also might fear you which creates a disconnect between you and your child.

  • And is that based on the loving relationship that we really want to have with them?

  • Authoritarian parents do not take into account

  • their child’s temperament or their child’s stage of development

  • so they might have unrealistic expectations of their behaviour.

  • They might expect a 5 year old to do something they're not capable of doing until they are

  • at least 12.

  • Then they may punish the child because they haven't done what they've asked them to do, but

  • really that child does not have the development skills they need to be able to do what their

  • parents asked them.

  • With the permissive parenting style it's almost the opposite of the authoritarian style.

  • So parents who are permissive are very warm and loving, affectionate, very responsive

  • to their children but they don’t always provide the guidance and the structure and the

  • boundaries that kids really need to learn discipline and good behaviour.

  • Permissive parents might give in to their children, so if their child gets upset because

  • they want another chocolate biscuit, a permissive parent will just give them another biscuit.

  • Permissive parents aren't always great at setting consequences and following through

  • with actions.

  • So they may say that a child is only allowed to have an hour of screen time but then when it

  • comes to the end of that hour they don’t follow through.

  • Permissive parents don't always teach their child about how their own

  • behaviour, their child's behaviour, might be impacting others.

  • So their child might hit and snatch or bite another child and they don’t intervene and

  • then teach their child how to behave in a more appropriate way.

  • Permissive parents don’t always take into account their child’s temperament or their

  • stage of development.

  • And they don’t necessarily realise that children really do need those boundaries and structures

  • at every developmental stage so that they can progress through those milestones and help their

  • growth and development.

  • Children who grow up with permissive parents can feel loved but they can also lack self-discipline

  • because they have never been taught discipline.

  • They can lack those social skills about how to play well with others, and they can sometimes also be

  • a bit anxious and insecure because parents haven't set those boundaries for them.

  • When it comes to school they may lack the structure and the focus and the boundaries

  • that kids really need to be able to do well in their education.

  • The disengaged parenting style combines the lack of love and warmth of the authoritarian

  • parent and also the lack of discipline and structure of the permissive parent.

  • Disengaged parents take little interest in their children and they don’t really provide

  • guidance and boundaries and structure that children need to learn.

  • Disengaged parents might attend to their children’s basic needs but they won’t necessarily meet

  • their child’s deeper needs.

  • They tend to be a little more engrossed in their own life and their own needs and they can

  • sometimes be neglectful.

  • They don’t always provide the structure that children really need.

  • Like 'It's time to go to bed now', and 'It's time to do your homework', and

  • 'It's time to cook a good meal and sit down together'.

  • They don’t always provide the love and warmth, the affection, the cuddles that kids really

  • need to thrive.

  • Children who grow up with disengaged parents will be socially withdrawn because they haven't

  • learnt those social skills.

  • They can be quite anxious and insecure because they haven’t had the boundaries they need.

  • They can also be out and about, getting into trouble, hanging around with the wrong crowds,

  • and skipping school because they don’t have someone looking out for them and supervising

  • them, providing the guidance they really need.

  • At school their parents probably have very low expectations

  • of them achieving, but also even attending

  • which means that the kids may be at school or they may not be.

  • Disengaged parents aren't always there to help children with their homework, supervising

  • how they going and really helping them to succeed at school.

  • The parenting style that is best for children is the supportive style.

  • It’s a style where you are warm and loving and youre affectionate but you also create

  • structure and boundaries for your children, and you guide their behaviour.

  • You don’t focus on punishment, you focus on guiding and teaching and helping them to

  • learn good behaviour.

  • Supportive parents really listen to their children.

  • They ask them questions, they look at life from their point of view.

  • They explain things, they have discussions.

  • They allow their children into decision making.

  • Supportive parents also allow their kids to grow and learn themselves.

  • They let them gain independence and skills.

  • They don’t do everything for their children

  • we need to actually help our children to learn for themselves, rather than

  • being over protective and doing everything for them.

  • Supportive parents set boundaries, they follow through with consequences and they do it pretty

  • consistently or as consistently as possible.

  • Because that's how children learn, they learn much more quickly the more consistent we are.

  • Supportive parents are flexible and when they are parenting they really take into account

  • the situation, their child’s temperament, the child’s state of development, so that they

  • can really guide their children’s behaviour and make the right decisions at the time.

  • Supportive parents really encourage children to have a go, take risks, and even make mistakes.

  • The best thing to do to help is to let children learn from those mistakes, so go through what

  • happened, how could you do things better and what they learn from the situation.

  • Children who grow up with supportive parents are self-confident, they feel capable, they're

  • emotionally mature, they've got good social skills, and they enjoy better happiness and

  • wellbeing which really sets them well up for adulthood.

  • At school they are really well supported, loved and have a structures in place to try

  • their best and to really achieve.

  • Our parenting does really matter.

  • We can have a really strong, positive, wonderful influence on our children’s outcomes.

  • So what's best for children?

  • It’s about being warm and loving, setting those boundaries and guiding their behaviour.

  • And most of all, enjoying your relationship because really that’s what parenting is

  • all about.

  • Developing a strong, loving relationship with your child.

Hello, I am Jodie Benveniste, psychologist and a parenting author and I help parents get

Subtitles and vocabulary

Operation of videos Adjust the video here to display the subtitles

B1 US parenting child behaviour style authoritarian supportive

Parenting SA: What parenting style works best for children?

  • 99 3
    Liang Chen posted on 2019/04/09
Video vocabulary