Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles >> DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and... Jesus, I can't talk in this accent. We're going to talk normally. Ok everyone? Welcome to Hogwarts y'all! Here at Hogwarts, we respect our fellow students. Sorry I'm late Ms. Ratchet. [magical zap sound] >> DUMBLEDORE: Whoa, he's dead. This is Professor Ratchet. >> RATCHET: What's up y'all. >> DUMBLEDORE: She has the magical sorting hat that will put you in your house. Let's kick it Professor Ratchet. >> RATCHET: Ginger. Ghetto. Oh hell yeah! >> RATCHET: Big Nose. [screaming in disbelief] >> RATCHET: You put the dumb in Dumbledore. What? >> RATCHET: Boy, I don't know who you try to fool. You going to the hood. But I'm Irish. Lucky child ... >> RATCHET: Mmmhhmm. I'm gonna call your mother. [Hogwarts bell ring] [chit chat] Who are they? [entrance music] They call themselves the plastics. That one is so dumb she was in the first year for all eight movies. That one's hair is so big because it's full of the Chamber of secrets. And the one in the middle - Voldemort in human form - Regina George. I love your robe, where did you get it? It's my mom's in the 80s. It's the ugliest f***ing robe I've ever seen. Hey I heard that. I think it's gonna rain. It's like really sunny. Um, do you want to hang out? You can't fly with us! I'm sorry, are you guys quoting Mean Girls? Duh! >> HARRY POTTER: Whoa, what the hell Gringo! Shouldn't you be mowing my lawn? Yeah, shouldn't you be mowing his lawn? Yeah, what he said. That's awfully racist, you bloody wanker. [laughing hysterically] What's he saying? >> HARRY POTTER: You're black bro, be black. [bleep] off, [bleep] >> HARRY POTTER: You are like a black Ronald McDonald. >> HARRY POTTER: You know what? I've had it! Me and you. Yeah, yeah. Me and you. Oh here we go. I'm done, I'm done. >> HARRY POTTER: I'm tired, [bleep] this. See you later, bro. Damn girl! D*ck! [magic spells] stop-stop-stop-stop stop-stop-stop-stop stop-stop-stop-stop stop-stop. [correcting magic spells] Alright, you do it. [magic spells] Ahh. >> HARRY POTTER: Ok, listen. Calm down. I was just doing my homework. What, in the girl's bathroom? Get the hell out. >> HARRY POTTER: Call me. Now! Get, get ... >> HARRY POTTER: Three, two, one ... Quidditch! Wait, that's cheating. >> HARRY POTTER: That's it! >> VOLDEMORT: Harry Potter >> HARRY POTTER: What the hell? >> VOLDEMORT: Oh my god Harry, you are finally here. >> HARRY POTTER: You are Voldemort? >> HARRY POTTER: That looks like a Party City costume. >> VOLDEMORTNo it doesn't. I look like freaking Britney Spears on the BMA. >> HARRY POTTER: That snake is fake as [bleep]. >> VOLDEMORT: No, but it looks sexy. >> HARRY POTTER: You're weird bro. You look like ET went to the hood. >> HARRY POTTER: Why are you moving like that? >> VOLDEMORT: Let's do this [bleep]. >> HARRY POTTER: This is for my parents. Three, two, one ... >> HARRY POTTER: Don't do [sound] with your mouth. They do that in editing. Special effects. No, let's do this again. Back up. Three, two, one. >> HARRY POTTER: Again with the (bleep) sound? >> VOLDEMORT: Let me do my sound bro. >> HARRY POTTER: Alright, alright, alright. >> HARRY POTTER: Three, two, one. Oh my god, my ball. >> HARRY POTTER: You killed him. Oh my god, shut up. >> HARRY POTTER: Do you realize you just did in two seconds what I've been trying to do for eight movies? Oh my god, is this yours? Oh (bleep)!