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  • Translator: Queenie Lee Reviewer: Ivana Korom

  • Let me ask you something.

  • Have you ever been in a situation

  • where you've asked yourself the following question:

  • is this person, is this person flirting with me?

  • Picture the scene: you're at a friend's party.

  • You sashay into the kitchen

  • because we all know that's where the fun is.

  • And you see an attractive stranger

  • getting a drink refill from a box of wine.

  • Your friend's a student.

  • And so you get a drink refill,

  • and you say something hilarious to the attractive stranger.

  • Attractive stranger laughs.

  • Good for you.

  • And then for the next few minutes

  • there's some eye contact, more talking.

  • But then after a few minutes

  • you start thinking, 'Is this person flirting with me?'

  • Sound familiar, anyone?

  • See the person sitting next to you, it's happened to them.

  • The person in front of you, it's happened to them.

  • You see this is a universal conundrum.

  • But no more!

  • Because in the next ten minutes

  • I'm going to tell you the signs of flirting

  • and never again will you wonder: is this person flirting with me?

  • I'm Jean Smith.

  • I'm a social anthropologist who studies flirting,

  • a flirtologist, if you will.

  • Now, as a flirtologist, I do research, I write books, I give talks.

  • And I work with clients both private and corporate,

  • all with the goal of helping people to become better flirts.

  • So I can see some of you sitting there, you're thinking,

  • 'Really!? Is this necessary? I mean teaching people how to flirt?'

  • Yes.

  • (Laughter)

  • Yes, it is.

  • I've been doing this for over a decade.

  • And if the question -

  • is this person flirting with me - was popular then,

  • it's now everyone-wants- to-take-it-to-prom popular

  • because over the last decade

  • the way that we flirt has changed dramatically.

  • People are relying more and more on digital ways of communicating.

  • But let's face it,

  • an emoji with its tongue sticking out,

  • it's only going to get you so far.

  • At some point, you're going to have to meet in person.

  • Unless of course, you're a Japanese male,

  • and in that case, you could go on to marry your video game girlfriend: Rinko.

  • So as part of my quest to help people become better flirts,

  • I did research.

  • I went to the cities of London, New York, Paris and Stockholm,

  • and I researched the flirting behaviour of its inhabitants.

  • And I found there were six things that they all had in common.

  • Six ways that they could signal they were flirting

  • and understood when someone was flirting with them.

  • And I teach this as

  • H.O.T.-A.P.E.

  • (Laughter)

  • It's the six signs - it's an acronym for the six signs of flirting.

  • So what if I were to say to you: 'You must be a parking ticket

  • because you've got "fine" written all over you.'

  • Would you laugh?

  • Well, 'H' is for humour.

  • Raise your hand if you thought my joke was funny.

  • Go ahead, don't be shy.

  • OK, everyone with their hands up,

  • I would totally date you.

  • (Laughter)

  • Well, if my husband weren't such a control freak.

  • But anyway, if you didn't raise your hands,

  • it's not a good match.

  • It's just not going to work between us.

  • But it's me, not you.

  • But this is a good thing

  • because HOTAPE-ing people -

  • it takes time.

  • Does anyone here like reading a good novel,

  • watching an interesting TED talk?

  • Does anyone here like test cricket?

  • These things also take time, especially test cricket, five days?

  • And this is where people often get it wrong

  • because they want to attract everybody.

  • But no, you just want to attract those people

  • who match with you.

  • And that's why humour,

  • specifically a shared sense of humour,

  • is really important for helping you to differentiate

  • between your potential HOT-APEs and squirrel monkeys.

  • I mean, yeah, they're cute.

  • I'm sure they have a great personality.

  • But at the end of the day it's a squirrel monkey.

  • It's no HOT-APE.

  • So 'O' is for open body language.

  • Three things to remember.

  • Number one, don't do this.

  • I know some of you are guilty of this.

  • I've heard it all before,

  • oh, but I'm cold, or, this is comfortable.

  • OK, whiny voice aside, in which instance

  • do you want to HOT-APE me more?

  • Like this?

  • Or like this, right?

  • Not HOT-APE.

  • HOT-APE.

  • Number two: make sure your shoulders are facing the person.

  • So not HOT-APE,

  • not HOT-APE, still not HOT-APE.

  • HOT-APE.

  • Not HOT-APE.

  • HOT-APE.

  • Now, the third, this is the most important,

  • and I'm only telling you guys.

  • This is a really good one.

  • To see if someone's interested,

  • look at the direction in which their feet are pointing.

  • So if their feet are pointing at you, a good sign.

  • If they're kind of out to the side,

  • it means they're planning their escape route.

  • The further away our limbs are from our brain,

  • the harder it is for us to control them.

  • So, Shakira, I know you say: the hips don't lie,

  • but the flirtologist is here to say the feet don't lie.

  • 'T' is for touch.

  • Like humour, touch also has a positive physiological response on our body.

  • Now as a general rule, shoulder - it's a safe place to touch.

  • But as you go down the arm towards the hands,

  • the touch gets more intimate.

  • That's why I recommend everyone should kind of tap the hand

  • and say something like:

  • 'Oh, you're so funny',

  • people seem to love that stuff.

  • Oh, another place that would be nice to touch

  • would be just here

  • at the top of the back between the shoulder blades,

  • perhaps if you're passing by, you can give a light touch.

  • Now, of all of the flirting signs,

  • people seem to be wariest about using touch.

  • As one of my clients said,

  • 'Well, the other signs you can get away with.

  • But when it comes to touch, you're culpable.'

  • But touch can get you out of the friend zone,

  • and it can also show someone that you're interested.

  • And as long as you remember,

  • I like test cricket,

  • it lasts five days,

  • I don't have time to HOT-APE with everyone,

  • then if the person doesn't respond positively,

  • you can try someone else.

  • 'A' is for attention.

  • This one might seem obvious.

  • The more attention someone is paying you, the more they like you.

  • But the problem is once you are in the interaction,

  • it's really hard to be objective.

  • Which is why in anthropology, we have a methodology,

  • it's called participant observation.

  • And I think this could be a really useful tool for you to use in flirting.

  • It means that you're participating, you're in the interaction,

  • but you're not so in it that you can't observe.

  • So if you were to, for example,

  • touch and say something and see the other person blushed,

  • it means that you're not so self-conscious

  • that you can't observe the effect that you're having on the other person.

  • And that my friends is when the flirting gets really fun.

  • 'P' is for proximity.

  • Now proximity was used in two ways.

  • The first, if you see someone across the room

  • and then all of a sudden they're next to your side,

  • this is not a coincidence.

  • It means they like what they see and they must explore further.

  • The other way proximity was used

  • is when you're actually in the interaction,

  • they're standing closer than usual.

  • So if you're attracted, great.

  • If you're not, they're in your space.