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  • Okay, so I'm just gonna get right into the meat of this topic.

  • I love reading fables.

  • If you weren't paying attention in 10th grade english.

  • A fable is a short story usually with talking animals,

  • That have a moral at the end of them.

  • A good way to remember is that the word fable starts with an "F"

  • And, so does... Furrys...

  • So...

  • So examples of fable you might have heard.

  • Are the "The Tortoise And The Hare"

  • Ummm...

  • "Humpty Dumpty"

  • "Pacific Rim"

  • And the

  • Autobiography of Hillary Clinton

  • This ones a fable becuase the main characters a bi-(Word Cuts Off)

  • Ha Ha

  • I'm just kidding, Humpty Dumptys not a fable

  • So theres this guy named 'Aesop'

  • And he's best known for creating a bunch of fables

  • He's written over 655

  • And seriously I don't know why for some reason

  • We can't find the exact number

  • 'How many fables has he written?'

  • 'Over 655!'

  • 'Oh so...'

  • '656?'

  • Like whats the range here?

  • Unfortunately he has died

  • So he won't be writing anymore fables

  • So why can't we get the exact number?

  • Like what the heck guys!

  • And he also had a very strong no photo policy

  • So no pictures of him were ever taken

  • Because he was born around 500 BC

  • I don't even think he knew what a camera was soo...

  • Here we go this is what he supposedly looked like

  • And what I like the most about fables

  • Is that the wording is so..

  • Like

  • Shakespearean and old-timey

  • And it makes you feel like your smart for reading these short paragraphed story's

  • And even better they have a moral and the end of them

  • So once your done reading your like

  • 'Oh man that was deep'

  • Like every single fable can end with one character dropping a microphone

  • (Mic Dropping Sounds)

  • Like the whole story is just build up to that one 'Moral Moment'

  • Ok so im going to read some of my favorite fables to you guys

  • These aren't -

  • I'm not going to read them as Aesop wrote them though

  • Because he had so many unnecessary smart sounding words

  • When really all of his fables can be shorted down to like three sentances

  • So here we go Aesop's fables in my own words

  • (Cleares Throat)

  • So theres these mice that get together

  • And they're trying to come up with a plan to stop this cat from killing them

  • And one mouse is like ' Oh we could put a bell around the cat. You know so now we can hear it or something'

  • And This Other Mouse Is Like ' Yeah, alright yeah thats cool'

  • 'Who's Going To Put The Bell On It?'

  • (Mic Drops)

  • (Great Noise)

  • Ok so this one is kind of actually stupid

  • I dont really know what the moral is

  • Like maybe no one wants to be the person to sacrifice themselves for the good of humanity

  • Or Mice-anity

  • (Groans)

  • Ok so heres my version of the rest of that story

  • So after the mouse said that

  • The other mouse goes

  • 'Oh jeez other mouse I didnt think of that'

  • 'Well i guess, I say we all get our toothpicks and kill the cat!'

  • You know atleast that ending made sence

  • A Bell (Scoffs)

  • How about you poison it?

  • Or move somewhere theres not a cat in the first place

  • So theres this horse and a groom

  • Which is not the wedding kind

  • Its the actual groom-er

  • Which just calls himself groom

  • So this groom spends all his time brushing the horse and making it look pretty

  • And also takes some of the horses oats and sells it for extra cash

  • Ok stop right there

  • Aren't oats meant to be really cheap?

  • Isn't that a thing?

  • Ok so the horse is getting malnourished

  • And Says

  • 'You know, you should really stop worrying about brushing me'

  • 'And more about feeding me'

  • (Mouths Explosion)

  • Man thats DEEP

  • I.. I Think

  • The moral is don't steal your horse's oats

  • Especially if it talks, like you'll never hear the end of it

  • (Another Mic Drops)

  • So there's this farmer

  • And he somehow gets a goose that lays golden eggs

  • And now you might be thinking

  • Whats with all these gooses that lay golden eggs!?

  • Jack And The Beanstalk did it

  • The Simpleton Brothers did it

  • Well did you know this is the very first time a goose laying golden eggs has ever appeared in writing

  • I actually don't know if that's true i made it up

  • I mean it might be true I don't know, it was 500 BC you guys that's a long time ago

  • And the goose only lays one (golden) egg a day

  • And the farmer gets greedy and wants more eggs

  • So he thinks

  • 'Aw, I bet the eggs are inside the goose!'

  • So he chops up the goose and guess what...

  • Theres only more goose.. parts in there not eggs

  • (Goose Drops Mic)

  • Ok so the moral, know how basic thing work

  • Especially if your a farmer and you don't know how geese work

  • Or atleast be close friends with someone who knows this

  • 'Hey man I dont think thats how geese work'

  • 'I mean, I get how you might think this is a magic goose'

  • 'Because everything about this is physically impossible'

  • 'But we could already live pretty decent lives with just one egg a day

  • 'Like were already in the top 1% now'

  • How can a goose carry around a golden egg inside of itself

  • Do you know who heavy gold is?

  • If there's solid gold, can a goose ever have babies?

  • It seems like an evolutionary dead end to me

  • So there once was this bat

  • And he fell

  • Somehow.. Aesop never really said how it fell

  • Its a bat! It can fly!

  • Ok so the bat gets caught by a weasel

  • Like one of these things?

  • Ok so your saying a Bat, gets caught by a Weasel

  • 'Cause He Fell...

  • Whatever Ok

  • So the weasel says 'I am an enemy to all birds'

  • 'And Im Going To Eat You'

  • And The Bat Goes 'I.. I'm not a bird, i'm a mouse'

  • 'Oh what are these things that look like wings'

  • 'Oh these.. uh... thats... my'

  • 'Blanket, because i'm cold'

  • Ok that part wasn't in the story

  • So the weasel lets him go

  • But then is happens again! But with a different weasel

  • And This Weasel Says

  • 'I am an enemy to mice, and im going to eat you'

  • And the Bat goes:

  • 'Oh tiny Weasel but i'm not a mouse i'm a bird'

  • And then he lets him go

  • Again

  • Sometimes Aesop wrote the moral that your supposed to take at the end

  • He did it with this one and the moral forbatum is:

  • So are you saying to follow the crowd?

  • Like, go with the flow

  • Thats not really a good moral Aesop!

  • Also, why didnt the bat just say:

  • 'IM A BAT LOSERS, AND I CAN FLY.. LATER'

  • It's also teaching you to make up lies on the spot, that contradict your first lie

  • Thats how you get caught lying!

  • Ok, so last fable

  • So this Crow has a piece of cheese in her beak

  • And this Fox comes along and is like

  • 'Oh, You're so beautiful.. Oh I just love your feathers'

  • 'I Wish I Could Just Hear You Sing'

  • This Crow is now very flattered, and she goes to sing.

  • And then the cheese falls out of her mouth, and the fox eats it.

  • And then the last line, this is beautiful

  • The Fox Says

  • 'You have a voice madam, I see'

  • 'What you want is wits'

  • (Airhorns)

  • Moral of the story, everybody wants to steal your cheese

  • Don't let your guard down for a second!

  • That would be a good t-shirt design, like

  • It would say

  • 'Everyone Wants To Steal Your Cheese'

  • And then it would have like a silhouette of a fox and a crow

  • Someone make that t-shirt

  • I'll buy it

  • (Outro Music)