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(computer dinging)
- Jesus, my mom sent me another article
about someone's phone exploding and starting a fire.
- Oh, she must really be worried
that that's gonna happen to you.
- She's constantly sending me neurotic emails.
Like, every week, I get these sensationalist articles
about the dangers of Lyme disease
or aspartame or tap water.
- At least you only have to deal with one paranoid parent,
some people have to deal with two.
(building dramatic music)
- Okay, well fuck both of you.
- Katie, what the hell?
- You called my mom paranoid,
or did you already forget that that happened?
Only I can talk shit about my mom.
- I didn't say anything.
- Yeah, but you laughed at Grant talking shit about my mom.
Nobody but me gets to laugh
when somebody talks shit about my mom,
which is also something that nobody but me gets to do.
- I was just reiterating what you said.
- Hello, you fucking idiot,
you called my mom paranoid, okay?
Only I can say she's paranoid.
- Okay, I'm sorry I said your mother is paranoid.
- Yeah, let's just move on, okay?
Just don't say it again.
- There's nothing really wrong with being paranoid.
I wish my mom had been more like that.
She never worried about anything,
she was too busy being eccentric.
- Yeah, what'd she do?
- Oh, tons of stuff.
She's like the artist type, you know?
Like she would show up at school
in these like sequin dresses
or like cowboy hats, something embarrassing like that.
- Oh man, that is crazy.
(building dramatic music) (whooshing)
- Hey, this isn't my shirt.
- Don't you fucking say anything about my mother ever again.
- Jess, I'm sure you're over-reacting.
- Bullshit, you heard what she said.
That's crazy. - I don't sound like that.
- What do you think?
You think my mother belongs in the nuthouse?
You think she's a nutcase?
- I didn't mean it like that,
I meant it more like, that's fun, like crazy fun.
- Good, you fuckin' better have.
- I'm sorry, really. - (sighing) It's clear
neither one of you were raised by my mom.
She is very relaxed. - How so?
- She's got this great chill vibe.
It's like every day is a day at the beach.
- That is relaxed.
(items crashing) (women screaming)
(table clattering)
- Don't you ever talk about my mother like that.
- That was a compliment. - Really!
- We swear.
- It was a compliment when you said she was relaxed?
- Yeah, that's a nice thing to say about somebody.
- Yeah.
- Yes, I do see how that would be a compliment.
I apologize, I can be a little rash.
- (chuckling) Well, you sound like my mom.
- That's too bad. - Yeah.
(building dramatic music)
- Don't you fucking dare say that.
- No, stop, Katie, no!
- Don't you dare say that about my mother!
(all screaming)
- No, get off of her.
Katie, you're gonna kill her.
You're gonna kill her.
You're gonna kill her.
- Oh, that totally reminds me of my mom.
She was a mob boss, she killed a lot of people.
- Um, sounds like an awesome mom.
- Are you kidding?
No, she's a murderer,
she's in prison, we're all terrified of her.
- Yeah, I was gonna say, that sounds super scary.
- What the hell did you say?
(knife plopping) (screaming)
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Only I Can Insult My Mom

235 Folder Collection
Samuel published on October 18, 2018
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