Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • Good morning, John today, I'm gonna tell you a bunch of jokes

  • that are gonna make you go "har har har"

  • but you, really, you're gonna enjoy.

  • You're gonna pretend that you don't enjoy, but you're gonna like 'em.

  • I'm planning on beating my previous record; that will require fifty-two jokes

  • in less than four minutes.

  • Let's go.

  • What do you call a five-foot psychic that's escaped from jail?

  • A small, medium at large.

  • Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

  • 'Cause she grew out of her 'B' shells.

  • What concert costs forty-five cents?

  • 50 Cent ... featuring Nickelback.

  • How did the hipster burn his tongue?

  • He drank coffee before it was cool.

  • What is invisible and smells like carrots?

  • Rabbit farts.

  • What do you call a fake noodle?

  • An impasta!

  • What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

  • About halfway.

  • How does Jack Frost get to work?

  • Bi-icycle.

  • Bi-icycle.

  • By icicle.

  • Why did the Face of Boe go to the party by himself?

  • 'Cause he had no body to go with.

  • What do you call a fish with no eyes?

  • A fsh [still pronounced "fish"].

  • When I found out my toaster was not waterproof,

  • I was shocked!

  • How often do I make chemistry jokes?

  • Periodically.

  • I actually told one just the other day!

  • ...There was no reaction.

  • My boss, he told me to attach two pieces of wood together.

  • ...I totally nailed it.

  • If the mushroom was such a fun guy (fungi),

  • why didn't they have the party at his house?

  • 'Cause there wasn't mush room! [laughs creepily]

  • Why did Cleopatra fall off the swing?

  • Because she's dead.

  • What's orange and sounds like parrots?

  • Carrots.

  • The spider just crawled onto my keyboard.

  • Ookay, I think it's under control.

  • Heh, 'cause control's a key...

  • What does Gary Numan want to be when he grows up?

  • Gary Oldman. [laughs] Everyone wants to be Gary Oldman, though.

  • What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?

  • Yeah, it's broccoli. Barackoli, right?

  • What are the strongest days of the week?

  • Saturday and Sunday. 'Cause all the rest, they're weak days (weekdays).

  • What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a banjo player?

  • A tattoo.

  • I don't know why banjo players. I don't know!

  • My friends and I, we put on a performance about puns.

  • ...It was basically just a play on words.

  • Why do the French only use one egg per omelet?

  • Because, in France, one egg is un oeuf (enough). [laughs]

  • What did the shy pebble wish?

  • Just that she was a little bolder (boulder).

  • A little boulder! Why is that so cute?

  • Did you hear that David lost his ID in Prague?

  • Now we just have to call him Dav.

  • Why was six afraid of seven?

  • Because seven has cold, dead eyes.

  • What do you call a pencil without lead?

  • Pointless.

  • Beethoven's favorite fruit?

  • Ba-na-na-na [singing, to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony].

  • How do you make an octopus giggle ten giggles?

  • You give him ten tickles (tentacles).

  • (Ten tickles!)

  • Knock, knock!

  • Who's there?

  • Interrupting owl.

  • Interrupting owl

  • WHO!

  • Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

  • They have big fingers.

  • Which side of the chicken has more feathers?

  • The outside.

  • A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

  • "Why the long face?" And the horse says:

  • "I'm finally realizing that my alcoholism is driving my family apart."

  • What do you call a man who shaves twenty times a day?

  • A barber.

  • What did one eye say to the other eye?

  • "Between you and me, man, something smells."

  • Never trust an atom; they make up everything!

  • I took the shell off my racing snail, 'cause I thought maybe

  • I'd make it a little faster,

  • but if anything, it's more sluggish.

  • Why did the Dalek cross the road?

  • To enslave humanity.

  • What do you call Santa's little helpers?

  • Subordinate Clauses.

  • What did the hat say to the hat rack?

  • "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

  • Why was the broom late for work?

  • 'Cause it overswept. (oversleptoverswept睡過頭的諧音)

  • Did you hear? Oxygen and magnesium are totally going out.

  • It's, like, OMg.

  • Did you hear that the two antennas got married?

  • I heard the ceremony was kind of terrible, but the reception was awesome.

  • What's ET short for?

  • So he can fit on his space ship.

  • Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

  • They're making head lines.

  • My granddad had the heart of a lion.

  • ...and a lifetime ban from the Bronx Zoo.

  • Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America?

  • Elementary, my dear Watson.

  • Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

  • 'Cause the "P" (pee) is silent.

  • A Golden Retriever and an Irish Setter are on vacation.

  • The Irish Setter says to the Golden Retriever, "Man, I just met two Brazilian dogs."

  • And the Golden Retriever is like: "Oh, how, how many is a Brazilian?"

  • How do you cook toilet paper?

  • It's easy! You just brown it, and then you throw it into the pot.

  • Two whales walk into a bar.

  • One of them is like: "Hmhmhnnnngnbrmuh." [whale noises]

  • And the other one is like,

  • "Man, Steve, go home. You are drunk!"

  • I wasn't sure it was possible, but here we are,

  • fifty-three jokes and four minutes later.

  • Thank you, everybody on Twitter, for suggesting jokes for me.

  • If you want more like this, I've done a few of these over the years.

  • And John, I'll see you on Tuesday.

Good morning, John today, I'm gonna tell you a bunch of jokes

Subtitles and vocabulary

Operation of videos Adjust the video here to display the subtitles

B1 US har call gary banjo hear beethoven

53 Terrible Jokes!

  • 5384 266
    VoiceTube posted on 2015/07/30
Video vocabulary