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  • All right, okay, well,

  • apparently, our next guest just walked in the door.

  • That's how it goes here with New York traffic, I guess.

  • Nothing like leaving it 'til the last minute.

  • You can find his stand up dates at JonDore.com.

  • Next week, you can see him

  • in the Broadway show Hercules: The Musical,

  • please welcome Jon Dore!

  • (applause and fanfare)

  • I'm embarrassed.

  • I'm clearly trying to fit too much into my days.

  • It's true what Conan said.

  • Next week, I am starring in Hercules: The Musical.

  • I play the role of a centaur,

  • a mythical creature,

  • Greek mythology,

  • and today we had a dress rehearsal,

  • and it went a little late,

  • and I did not have time to change.

  • Gettin' in and out of that Uber was a nightmare,

  • I'll tell you that much.

  • My rating's gonna plummet, guaranteed.

  • And I'm embarrassed, I feel terrible.

  • I feel bad for Conan,

  • I feel bad for you people, the viewers at home.

  • I mean, I'm supposed to tell jokes,

  • and this is gonna be distracting, so--

  • I mean, if there's any way

  • you guys could just maybe not focus on how I look,

  • and just pay attention to what I'm saying,

  • I think everything will work out.

  • What do you say?

  • Will you--

  • (applause)

  • Oh, thank you, all right!

  • Lets have some fun!

  • Here we are at the Apollo!

  • Whoo!

  • Apollo Theater!

  • Harlem, New York!

  • (applause)

  • Yeah, oh, yeah!

  • There we go!

  • Joke one.

  • You know, there was a time in my life

  • when I started hanging around the wrong crowd,

  • and then one day I just realized, "Wait a minute."

  • "I don't recognize any of these people."

  • "I have literally been hanging around with the wrong crowd."

  • "How long has this been going on?"

  • But eventually, I started hanging around the right crowd,

  • and we did a lot of drugs and we shoplifted, so, yeah.

  • See, that joke usually gets an applause break,

  • but I feel like the outfit--

  • (light applause)

  • Oh, don't, please.

  • If it's not sincere--

  • You know what, maybe I'm just gonna skip the jokes,

  • 'cause this is too distracting,

  • and Conan did promise me that I'd be able

  • to premiere a song from Hercules: The Musical, so--

  • (applause)

  • Yeah, if you don't mind, I'll do that.

  • Jimmy, whenever you're ready.

  • (light flute tune)

  • Oh, Hercules, we need you here

  • Come down from Mount Olympus

  • Oh, Hercules, no one thinks you're weird

  • Come down from Mount Olympus

  • Oh, Hercules, Her-- ♫

  • (liquid running)

  • (applause and laughter)

  • (liquid spurting intermittently)

  • I bet you think I'm embarrassed.

  • I bet you think I'm humiliated, but I'm not,

  • 'cause it's not what you think.

  • That wasn't urine.

  • That's right, it's my new energy drink, Integrity.

  • [Announcer] Integrity!

  • (thunder)

  • You got it.

  • Integrity's something I got plenty of.

  • It's from the makers of the All That Top Hat

  • Chicken Cooker Oven Hat.

  • When you're trying to squeeze too much into your day,

  • I suggest you try Integrity.

  • [Announcer] Integrity!

  • (thunder) Wait a minute

  • No, no, no, don't, Jon.

  • Let me get this straight.

  • I give you a chance to do stand up at the Apollo Theater--

  • Thank you.

  • Which is a great honor. Yes.

  • And you use it to do this stupid commercial.

  • This is disgraceful, and you have no integrity.

  • [Announcer] Integrity!

  • No, don't-- (thunder)

  • You work for me!

  • Seriously, this is unacceptable.

  • You arrive late, you look like a fool, you look ridiculous.

  • I'm sorry.

  • You know what?

  • He's right, Conan's right.

  • You're always right.

  • No, I did arrive late, and that's on me,

  • and I did abuse my power to promote this,

  • and I do look ridiculous.

  • I'll just take this off.

  • You don't have to take it off.

  • No, you can leave it on.

  • It looks ridiculous, and it's coming off.

  • No, please don't, no one wants to see--

  • It's unacceptable.

  • You should go.

  • All right, I'm outta here.

  • [Announcer] Integrity!

  • (thunder)

  • Jon Dore, ladies and gentlemen.

  • (applause)

  • You never know what he's gonna do.

All right, okay, well,

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