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  • (plane engine)

  • Fafa: Flying: the safest, fastest way to travel.

  • Mario: Flying: guaranteed to leave you stressed and exhausted when you reach your destination.

  • Fafa: You're using a plane to get somewhere, but there's some other things you got to get to first.

  • The plane people say you should get to the airport 90 minutes before your flight.

  • Mario: That is insane! I will leave whenever I want!

  • Fafa: No, get there early! 30 minutes before your flight's when all the airport personnel take their breaks.

  • Best option: a family member drives you to the airport.

  • Then, close friend,

  • friend of a friend,

  • taxi,

  • and finally, drive yourself to the airport and spend more money on parking than on your flight to Zimbabwe.

  • Okay, you're in the airport. Now, you got a deal with only three types of people:

  • Airport personnel...

  • Mario: Hello! Take of your shoes and step into my x-ray machine.

  • Fafa: ...idiots...

  • Mario: I'm allowed SIX carry-ons, right?

  • Fafa: ...and jerks.

  • Mario: Oh, Zone 1 can board.

  • Let me through! I'm Zone 3!

  • Fafa: Prepare only encounter these three types of people, and get to your gate early.

  • Mario: Early?! I don't care anymore. I am in the airport, and they will hold the plane for me!

  • Fafa: Right, they'll hold the plane and make the hundred people you're traveling with late.

  • And the two hundred people of the next airport late, and everyone will hate you.

  • Mario: Fine, I won't stop for Cinnabon. Anything else I need to know?

  • Fafa: Yeah, besides the pilot, everyone's gonna take their shoes off at some point.

  • Mario: Gross!

  • Fafa: Congratulations, you're on the plane! So, relax and sit back, probably next to a jerk.

  • Johnny T: Jerks? What are you guys talking about?

  • Fafa: How people act on airplanes.

  • Johnny T.: Wha? You serious? That's been done by freaking everybody!

  • Every comedian I know gots a routine about how planes are a pile of crap!

  • Fafa: This is more like a guide, Johnny. We're telling people what they might not know.

  • Johnny T.: Oh, I got you. Like this:

  • Liam Neeson! When you're saving the plane from them bad guys in your movie,

  • don't blow a chunk out of the side a plane! Somebody's gonna get sucked through the air hole!

  • Fafa: No, Johnny. We're giving PRACTICAL advice.

  • Johnny T.: That is practical! I've seen it happen in dozens of movies!

  • Fafa: When traveling alone, you could be seated next to anybody.

  • Johnny T.: Yeah, it could be a fat dude, a screaming baby,

  • or somebody who's gotta pee, like, every five minutes.

  • Fafa: If you lose the airplane seat roulette, and get stuck next to someone awful,

  • put on headphones and pretend to sleep.

  • Johnny T.: But don't pull out your computer! That won't work.

  • Mario: Whatcha doing?

  • What are you working on?

  • What is your job?

  • Fafa: You have no control over who sits next to you. What you do have control over is your chair.

  • Okay, there are two schools of thought: those that recline their chairs...

  • Mario: ...and those who decline to recline!

  • Fafa: If the person in front of you leans their seat back,

  • you will have no choice but to recline as well.

  • Mario: Or, have your legs crushed into your chest, ribs, and stomach.

  • Fafa: This can create a domino effect, so if the person in seat 23A leans his seat back into you,

  • don't get mad at him. This may have started in seat 7A.

  • Mario: Screw that! I'm sitting in an exit row!

  • Johnny T.: You gotta pay for that.

  • (cha-ching)

  • These days, the airline makes you pay for freaking everything!

  • Check your bag? You gotta pay!

  • (cha-ching)

  • Want some food? You gotta pay!

  • (cha-ching)

  • Headphones-- you gotta pay!

  • (cha-ching)

  • Fafa: And now, they charge for sitting in an exit row!

  • Johnny T.: Yeah, you think the airline would want smart people in the seat,

  • one who opens the emergency door in case of a potential disaster,

  • But no! What kind of dummy pays 50 extra bucks

  • for a seat that don't recline, and got nowhere to put your bags?!

  • Mario: Plane is landed!

  • HOORAY!

  • Fafa: Yeah, but you still have to get OFF the plane, and this is worse than Los Angeles rush hour.

  • Think of the tiny aisle that the beverage cart barely fits in as a highway. Everyone has to merge onto it.

  • Mario: Can I push my way through if I am VERY tired of being on plane?

  • Fafa: No! It only takes one jerk to not merge with everyone else,

  • and cause a gridlock and make everyone late.

  • Johnny T.: Thanks a lot, dummy! I missed my connecting flight to Maui!

  • Now, I got to spend a night in South Dakota!

  • Mario: I am off the plane!

  • Johnny T.: Yeah, but you ain't got your bag yet. You gotta wait for that.

  • Mario: I have to wait more?! For how long?

  • Johnny T.: Eh, probably, like, 30 minutes.

  • And if they lost your bag --which they DO do-- then you got no pants for your trip.

  • Just them sweaty drawers you've been stewing in the last five hours.

  • Mario: There is no... stew in my drawers.

  • Johnny T.: I was referring to the general you.

  • Fafa: We hope you enjoyed your day of airplane travel.

  • Mario: I did! The movie they showed was "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"!

  • Fafa: With patience and common sense, you can get through the airplane experience with minimal stress.

  • Johnny T.: Yeah, and if you end up sitting next to Liam Neeson,

  • ask him if he's really got the biggest *whistles* in Hollywood.

  • Fafa: Johnny!

  • Johnny: Wha?! I can't whistle?!

  • (ding)

  • Captain (on P.A.): Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

  • If those of you on the left side of the aircraft look out your windows, you'll be able to get a glimpse at the...

  • uhhh, 15 planes that have to take off before we can.

  • (Gorillas complaining)

  • (party horn; crunch)

(plane engine)

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