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34 is a weird age. I'll tell you why!
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I'm the last generation to grow up completely
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without
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Internet pornography.
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No? I'm one of the – I'm like the
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Last of the Mohicans,
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y'know?
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Like, I hit puberty,
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like, just hormones happened,
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and it told me that I wanted something
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and I had no idea
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what it looked like.
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What I did is, uh,
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out of sheer ingenuity,
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I made my own naked lady pornography.
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And what I did
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is I bought some tracing paper.
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Now, if you're under 25 and you don't know what tracing paper is,
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before computers
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when we wanted a copy of something,
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we bought a very thin sheet of paper
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and then we placed it over the thing that we wanted a copy of
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and then we traced over it.
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And then, we had something that looked
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completely different.
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And that was helpful.
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Bought this tracing paper.
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Ran upstairs to my bedroom.
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Closed the door.
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Locked it.
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Opened up my Spider-Man comic book, found the largest picture
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of Mary Jane, Spider-Man's girlfriend.
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Traced her beautiful body
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that was drawn by some
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horny, sex-deprived artist.
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And then I didn't
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fill in any clothes.
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And then I filled in the middle out of
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sheer rumour and hearsay.
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I drew in nipples all over the goddamn place.
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I put in pubic hair way too wide, way too high.
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I'm sure of it.
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And that's it!
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I didn't do anything weird.
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I didn't know you could do anything weird.
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I just looked at it,
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and knew I loved it.