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  • Okay.

  • I'm finally in Israel.

  • Of course, to understand today's Israel

  • and the surrounding territories,

  • you have to understand its history.

  • This should only take a minute.

  • By 1300 BC, settlers had created the kingdoms

  • of Israel and Judah,

  • who were conquered by the Babylonians

  • who were conquered by the Greeks

  • who were conquered by the Romans

  • who were conquered by the Byzantines

  • who were conquered by the Arabs

  • who were conquered by the Crusaders

  • who were conquered by the Ottomans

  • who were conquered by the British

  • who helped the dream of a Jewish Homeland

  • and were supplanted by Jewish refugees

  • fleeing from Nazis

  • who were given an insane map

  • for new countries by the United Nations

  • followed by the Declaration of the State of Israel,

  • which led to a war with Arab nations,

  • which led to thousands of refugees,

  • a crisis with Egypt,

  • another war with Arabs,

  • an occupation,

  • terrorism,

  • Yasser Arafat,

  • another war with Arabs,

  • US aid to Israel,

  • a settlement policy,

  • a peace treaty,

  • a war with Lebanon,

  • a Palestinian uprising,

  • a proposed peace treaty,

  • an assassination,

  • another Palestinian uprising,

  • another war with Lebanon,

  • more settlements,

  • more terrorism,

  • a separation wall,

  • surging economic growth,

  • negative economic growth,

  • Hamas and the PLA versus Israel,

  • Hamas versus the PLA,

  • Israeli Jews versus American Jews,

  • Israeli Orthodox Jews versus Israeli Conservative Jews

  • versus Israeli Reformed Jews,

  • Jewish and Arab men against Jewish and Arab women,

  • more settlements,

  • Bar Refaeli,

  • the Israeli Gaza Conflict,

  • Israel hating Obama,

  • Israel loving Trump,

  • Israelis and Palestinians confused by Jared Kushner,

  • three of the holiest sites in the world

  • built on top of each other,

  • plus Druze, Bedouins, Zions,

  • and one Buddhist.

  • All setting the table for a visit by me, Conan O'Brien.

  • (applause)

  • My mission?

  • To try and make some people laugh,

  • and in the process alienate everyone.

  • I thought I'd start my trip

  • by hitting the streets of Tel Aviv

  • and meeting new friends.

  • Hi, guys.

  • How are you?

  • Shalom.

  • Shalom.

  • You are Israelis.

  • [Israelis] Yes.

  • Okay.

  • First of all,

  • how's my accent.

  • Shabbat Shalom

  • Pretty good.

  • Mazel Tov

  • Terrible.

  • Terrible?

  • What are you talking about terrible? Terrible.

  • That's good.

  • Terribly good.

  • (audience laughs)

  • What is the attitude of Israelis about Donald Trump?

  • What do you guys think about Donald Trump?

  • It's a big show for us.

  • A big show.

  • Did you know that the President's son-in-law

  • is working very hard on making a peace plan?

  • [Israelis] Jared Kushner.

  • [Conan] Jared Kushner.

  • Jared Kushner has been studying very hard

  • the issue of Middle East peace.

  • We found this book in his hotel room.

  • (audience laughs)

  • (Israelis laugh)

  • We think that he read two pages,

  • and then he got confused

  • and he went home.

  • Do you get this a lot?

  • People say you look kinda like Tom Cruise?

  • Yeah.

  • Do you get that?

  • You get that all the time. Since I was four.

  • Okay.

  • Do me a favor.

  • Look into that camera and say,

  • "You had me at shalom."

  • You had me at shalom.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Fantastic (mumbles).

  • Ahh, nice.

  • All good.

  • You are the coolest looking couple I've seen today.

  • Ahh, thank you.

  • You are so.

  • What were we doing?

  • High fiving each other.

  • (laughter)

  • Very modest people, I suppose.

  • How long have you been together?

  • Seven months.

  • Yeah.

  • Seven months.

  • And when you saw him the first time,

  • when he was trying to sell you weed,

  • you knew right away?

  • (laughter)

  • Let's say he didn't exist.

  • Okay.

  • No offense.

  • But let's say he wasn't in the picture,

  • and you saw me walking down the street.

  • Would you be attracted?

  • (laughter)

  • Well, I'm talking to handsome Israeli man

  • number 3652 of the day.

  • What is it with you people?

  • It's the best looking people I've seen anywhere.

  • We actually met.

  • We met before.

  • We've met before?

  • Yeah.

  • How have we met?

  • Well, I think October 2003,

  • I was with a

  • couple of friends. How do you know the date?

  • Because, because it was taped on NBC.

  • Oh, you came to my show.

  • Yeah.

  • You said to the camera,

  • "There's a big delegation here from Israel."

  • But there's a delegation here from Israel.

  • I'd like to acknowledge them for being here.

  • They're way in the back.

  • (audience cheers, claps)

  • Were people laughing?

  • Was it a good show?

  • Of course.

  • It was the Conan Show.

  • No, but you told us to laugh.

  • I love this guy.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I never.

  • There were signs.

  • Those were called.

  • No.

  • We have applause signs.

  • We've never had any laugh now signs.

  • (audience laughs)

  • That's just not true.

  • Well.

  • There's no such thing as a laugh now sign.

  • If there was,

  • I'd be huge.

  • (laughter)

  • I'd be using it now.

  • Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

  • Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.