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  • Okay.

  • I'm finally in Israel.

  • Of course, to understand today's Israel

  • and the surrounding territories,

  • you have to understand its history.

  • This should only take a minute.

  • By 1300 BC, settlers had created the kingdoms

  • of Israel and Judah,

  • who were conquered by the Babylonians

  • who were conquered by the Greeks

  • who were conquered by the Romans

  • who were conquered by the Byzantines

  • who were conquered by the Arabs

  • who were conquered by the Crusaders

  • who were conquered by the Ottomans

  • who were conquered by the British

  • who helped the dream of a Jewish Homeland

  • and were supplanted by Jewish refugees

  • fleeing from Nazis

  • who were given an insane map

  • for new countries by the United Nations

  • followed by the Declaration of the State of Israel,

  • which led to a war with Arab nations,

  • which led to thousands of refugees,

  • a crisis with Egypt,

  • another war with Arabs,

  • an occupation,

  • terrorism,

  • Yasser Arafat,

  • another war with Arabs,

  • US aid to Israel,

  • a settlement policy,

  • a peace treaty,

  • a war with Lebanon,

  • a Palestinian uprising,

  • a proposed peace treaty,

  • an assassination,

  • another Palestinian uprising,

  • another war with Lebanon,

  • more settlements,

  • more terrorism,

  • a separation wall,

  • surging economic growth,

  • negative economic growth,

  • Hamas and the PLA versus Israel,

  • Hamas versus the PLA,

  • Israeli Jews versus American Jews,

  • Israeli Orthodox Jews versus Israeli Conservative Jews

  • versus Israeli Reformed Jews,

  • Jewish and Arab men against Jewish and Arab women,

  • more settlements,

  • Bar Refaeli,

  • the Israeli Gaza Conflict,

  • Israel hating Obama,

  • Israel loving Trump,

  • Israelis and Palestinians confused by Jared Kushner,

  • three of the holiest sites in the world

  • built on top of each other,

  • plus Druze, Bedouins, Zions,

  • and one Buddhist.

  • All setting the table for a visit by me, Conan O'Brien.

  • (applause)

  • My mission?

  • To try and make some people laugh,

  • and in the process alienate everyone.

  • I thought I'd start my trip

  • by hitting the streets of Tel Aviv

  • and meeting new friends.

  • Hi, guys.

  • How are you?

  • Shalom.

  • Shalom.

  • You are Israelis.

  • [Israelis] Yes.

  • Okay.

  • First of all,

  • how's my accent.

  • Shabbat Shalom

  • Pretty good.

  • Mazel Tov

  • Terrible.

  • Terrible?

  • What are you talking about terrible? Terrible.

  • That's good.

  • Terribly good.

  • (audience laughs)

  • What is the attitude of Israelis about Donald Trump?

  • What do you guys think about Donald Trump?

  • It's a big show for us.

  • A big show.

  • Did you know that the President's son-in-law

  • is working very hard on making a peace plan?

  • [Israelis] Jared Kushner.

  • [Conan] Jared Kushner.

  • Jared Kushner has been studying very hard

  • the issue of Middle East peace.

  • We found this book in his hotel room.

  • (audience laughs)

  • (Israelis laugh)

  • We think that he read two pages,

  • and then he got confused

  • and he went home.

  • Do you get this a lot?

  • People say you look kinda like Tom Cruise?

  • Yeah.

  • Do you get that?

  • You get that all the time. Since I was four.

  • Okay.

  • Do me a favor.

  • Look into that camera and say,

  • "You had me at shalom."

  • You had me at shalom.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Fantastic (mumbles).

  • Ahh, nice.

  • All good.

  • You are the coolest looking couple I've seen today.

  • Ahh, thank you.

  • You are so.

  • What were we doing?

  • High fiving each other.

  • (laughter)

  • Very modest people, I suppose.

  • How long have you been together?

  • Seven months.

  • Yeah.

  • Seven months.

  • And when you saw him the first time,

  • when he was trying to sell you weed,

  • you knew right away?

  • (laughter)

  • Let's say he didn't exist.

  • Okay.

  • No offense.

  • But let's say he wasn't in the picture,

  • and you saw me walking down the street.

  • Would you be attracted?

  • (laughter)

  • Well, I'm talking to handsome Israeli man

  • number 3652 of the day.

  • What is it with you people?

  • It's the best looking people I've seen anywhere.

  • We actually met.

  • We met before.

  • We've met before?

  • Yeah.

  • How have we met?

  • Well, I think October 2003,

  • I was with a

  • couple of friends. How do you know the date?

  • Because, because it was taped on NBC.

  • Oh, you came to my show.

  • Yeah.

  • You said to the camera,

  • "There's a big delegation here from Israel."

  • But there's a delegation here from Israel.

  • I'd like to acknowledge them for being here.

  • They're way in the back.

  • (audience cheers, claps)

  • Were people laughing?

  • Was it a good show?

  • Of course.

  • It was the Conan Show.

  • No, but you told us to laugh.

  • I love this guy.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I never.

  • There were signs.

  • Those were called.

  • No.

  • We have applause signs.

  • We've never had any laugh now signs.

  • (audience laughs)

  • That's just not true.

  • Well.

  • There's no such thing as a laugh now sign.

  • If there was,

  • I'd be huge.

  • (laughter)

  • I'd be using it now.

  • Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

  • Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

  • How ya doin'?

  • All right; how are you?

  • You guys just cruisin' the neighborhood?

  • Yeah.

  • I wanna take a picture with you, Conan.

  • All right, let's do it.

  • I wanna have a selfie

  • with Conan. Okay.

  • Conan, the man.

  • Thank you.

  • All right.

  • Hey, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.

  • Look at this guy!

  • Look at him.

  • Jacked; this guy's jacked!

  • Whaddya think?

  • Could you get me in shape?

  • (car horn honks)

  • Why, sure.

  • We're talking about our weightlifting program!

  • (audience laughs)

  • All right, these people are getting really mad.

  • I should let 'em go before Yeah, we should (mumbles).

  • I start an international.

  • Sorry.

  • I apologize.

  • I'm sorry.

  • I'm very sorry.

  • (audience laughs)

  • All right.

  • Let's go.

  • Move it along.

  • Sorry.

  • Apologies.

  • Sorry.

  • Sorry.

  • Sorry.

  • It's a moped.

  • You could have gone around.

  • Very nice cookie.

  • Oh, that's a piece of.

  • Here we go.

  • Oh.

  • Look, she just gave me her.

  • Waaa!

  • Oh, no!

  • (laughter)

  • Oh, no.

  • That went terribly.

  • Step forward, sir.

  • I found the one Israeli male that doesn't work out.

  • Yeah.

  • Oh, my god.

  • Okay, you don't.

  • All right, good.

  • Here he is.

  • Is this your lady right here?

  • Yeah.

  • Are you proud of him for not working out?

  • Ahhh, not so much.

  • Really?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Why?

  • He's the one guy here who refuses to succumb

  • to the pressure.

  • I guess he stands out in Tel Aviv.

  • Can I also be rude and get a selfie?

  • You're not rude at all.

  • Look, he's shaking.

  • He's so excited.

  • No, that's just the weight of the phone.

  • He's so weak.

  • (laughter)

  • Can I join you?

  • Yes.

  • Let me remove my shoes.

  • This is a very inexpensive Airbnb.

  • Yes.

  • Am I taking too much?

  • Am I eating too much?

  • No.

  • Mind if I have more cake?

  • Yes, of course.

  • You can take all the cake.

  • I can have all the cake?

  • Yes.

  • Thank you.

  • (laughter)

  • I love this country!

  • You're so giving.

  • Don't take my cake!

  • (laughter)

  • That's my cake!

  • You have Israeli beer?

  • Yes.

  • Yes.

  • Sure.

  • This is Gold Star Beer.

  • You know, if I get paid by Gold Star,

  • I will split all the money with you guys.

  • Let's just shoot a quick commercial for Gold Star.

  • Everyone laugh like I just said something funny.

  • (laughter)

  • Oh, hi.

  • Conan O'Brien here.

  • Just havin' a nice picnic in Tel Aviv.

  • And enjoying some Gold Star Beer.

  • Gold Star.

  • It's the beer to have when you're in Tel Aviv

  • on a blanket with people you don't know.

  • (applause)

  • [Narrator] Gold Star.

  • After the picnic,

  • it was time to hit the famous beaches of Tel Aviv.

  • Shabbst Shalom

  • This is,

  • no no,

  • I wanna pay for it, please.

  • I don't like this.

  • (audience laughs)

  • This is awkward.

  • There's like 800 Israelis behind me.

  • Watch me.

  • This isn't the flavor I want.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Check it out.

  • This is Shai,

  • lifeguard here at Tel Aviv Beach.

  • You've got the best job in the world.

  • Whoa!

  • Who the hell is this guy?

  • Sir, why are you wearing a sweater at the beach?

  • Ahhh!

  • (laughter)

  • Oh, my god!

  • Look at that!

  • Oh, lord.

  • There's.

  • I'm finding things in here.

  • You can hang your sunglasses in here, right?

  • (laughs)

  • You just put 'em in and they hang, right?

  • (laughter)

  • Oh, my god!

  • That's crazy.

  • Attention!

  • Attention!

  • This is Conan O'Brien.

  • (crowd cheers)

  • This is an important announcement.

  • Will all Israeli men wearing Speedos

  • please leave the area.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Again, all Israeli men wearing Speedos.

  • No one wants to see your junk.

  • (audience laughs, applauds)

  • Also, why is there an Elvis impersonator

  • on the beach in Tel Aviv?

  • (audience laughs, applauds)

  • Oh, oh.

  • The Elvis impersonator is coming into the lifeguard station.

  • Someone please help me.

  • I'm scared.

  • He really doesn't look that much like Elvis.

  • I think my mother looks more like Elvis than this guy.

  • Oh, god.

  • Hello, Elvis.

  • He wants to play me a song, ladies and gentlemen.

  • Wise men say

  • Help falling in love with you

  • Like a river flows

  • Surely to the sea

  • Falling in love with you

  • (wild audience cheering, laughter, applause)

  • [Conan] Yes!

Okay.

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