Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • - Okay. All right.

  • She'll raise...

  • whatever that is. I don't know what it is,

  • but get ready to lose your shirt

  • and your stuff and your vest.

  • Oh, hi. Hello.

  • We were just doing a meeting--a work meeting.

  • So, off, go. Scram.

  • I love your pants, by the way.

  • Today--it's just that easy.

  • Today, we're gonna do something a little bit different.

  • I'm gonna sit here. You're gonna sit wherever you are,

  • and we're going to look back at all the funny ladies that I've had on my show this past season,

  • besides me, you guys.

  • Anyway, one of the funniest women I talked to this year was Amy Schumer.

  • Actually, I barely had to talk,

  • she just talked and I sat back and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

  • and I let her talk.

  • - Hi. - Hi.

  • - How's the poster doing that we gave you?

  • - Well, I realized when I got home that it was a hostile, hostile gift.

  • - What? - Yes.

  • - You love the Hemsworth brothers.

  • - I love the Hemsworth brothers,

  • and I got the opportunity to meet them at the Vanity Fair party last year,

  • but my sister took a horribly blurred photo

  • and so I've never forgiven her.

  • - Um, we're no longer in touch. - No.

  • - No, I'm just kidding.

  • But then, see, you got me that portrait.

  • I live in Manhattan,

  • so my apartment is the size of this chair.

  • So it takes up my whole apartment.

  • - Oh, no. - Yeah.

  • And people think I'm -- like, have a really weird pro--

  • like, they think I stalk them, and they're just, like, concerned for me,

  • so that was a rude gift,

  • and you could have just gotten me, like, a plant.

  • - I am so sorry.

  • Well, I will give you a plant while you're here instead.

  • - Thank you. Thank you.

  • - Why don't you-- no, no.

  • - No, that's mine. No. - Oh. Okay.

  • - You just can't take whatever you want.

  • - Oh, okay. - No.

  • - Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place?

  • Do you like it here?

  • - But--[sighs] I mean,

  • I don't fit in here--just, like, straight up body type.

  • Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs.

  • They're just like-- [laughter]

  • [laughter]

  • They're like, "Why is that octopus on Sunset?"

  • "Is that--" [laughter]

  • It's not-- it's not for me out here.

  • - No? - It's not, no.

  • But I--you know.

  • - What do you do when you're here?

  • - I cry. I just sit in my room...

  • [laughter] Bawling.

  • No, I--

  • Well, last time I was here, right from the show,

  • I got courtside tickets to a Laker game.

  • - That's fun. - Yeah, 'cause my--

  • my business agent thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me.

  • - Well-- - But no, I'm 33,

  • so I'm just starting to really appreciate that,

  • - you know what I mean? - I see, I see.

  • - Well, it's true. I can't speak for everyone.

  • I'm not like "Sexually harass--"

  • but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around--

  • like you'll walk past a construction site,

  • and be kind of like, "Oh, don't look--"

  • But then, in your 30s, you know, I'm just like, "What about this?" [laughter]

  • "Like, how about--" [laughter]

  • It's like my skirt's over my head.

  • I'm like, "Aah." [laughter]

  • They're like, "We're eating."

  • But, uh-- [laughter]

  • [laughter]

  • It changes, it really does.

  • It changes, so I--I got courtside seats,

  • which--you've sat courtside at a game, right?

  • - I have, yeah. - I thought--I went--

  • I thought it would be free booze.

  • Um... [laughter]

  • It's not, it's not. [laughter]

  • I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze.

  • So... - [laughs]

  • - I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron.

  • You know, the actress. She was on "Glee."

  • She played the cheerleader, Quinn?

  • I mean, that lets you know how hot she is.

  • Yeah--oh, there we go. There's the picture.

  • Thanks for--yes. Isn't that great?

  • [laughter] She's like--

  • the most gorgeous girl ever.

  • Her name was "Quinn" on that show.

  • - To pull off that name? - Yeah.

  • - Like if my name were "Quinn" on a show,

  • they'd be like, "Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that--"

  • [laughter]

  • "Does a jig time and again," you know.

  • But so she's there. Is she not like an angel?

  • So--and the whole night, she's like,

  • She's like this...

  • 'cause she knows people are taking pictures of her.

  • I obviously don't.

  • [laughter]

  • I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face, is just a scowl, it's just-- [laughter]

  • [laughter]

  • And I learned--and you can see--

  • that I have what I'm now calling an "at-risk chin."

  • [laughter]

  • This is not a good section!

  • [laughter] If I--if I don't,

  • like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just--

  • [laughter]

  • I become the dinosaur in the jeep in "Jurassic Park,"

  • just "Fff!"

  • [laughter]

  • So I'm like--no idea people are taking pictures.

  • I'm pounding red wine, and I--

  • I thought it was free-- and I--

  • [laughter]

  • I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know?

  • Like, just first like sniff of merlot,

  • just "True Blood" mouth.

  • I look like I've been feeding, and I'm eating popcorn,

  • the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is--

  • you know, at first, don't you always kind of start out kind of like lying to yourself?

  • Like, "I don't know, I'll have a little."

  • [laughter]

  • Like one piece at a time, you know?

  • And then--and then, like, you get a little more real.

  • Right? [laughter]

  • and then eventually, you just--you get "real" real.

  • And just "gah!"

  • [laughter]

  • Like, I've split my lip trying to get one more kernel--

  • [laughter]

  • It's true. In my dumb mouth.

  • It is true.

  • - [laughing hard]

  • - And so that's what happened. If you Google me, it'll be--

  • And I--I look like her, actually.

  • I look like her if she were stung by a million bees.

  • [laughter]

  • It's true!

  • I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk.

  • That's-- [laughter]

  • And she--you know, she wanted to be friends,

  • and I'm like, "I can't. I can't."

  • "We don't have-- we're not the same thing."

  • Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know.

  • She's like, "He won't stop calling."

  • And I'm like, "[whine], I hate that."

  • [laughter]

  • Do you eat popcorn like that, though?

  • - Are you a popcorn lover? - Yeah, I do.

  • And I eat it exactly like that. - Right?

  • - Yes. - And that's why--

  • I'm so annoyed-- I'm single again,

  • so I'm going to have to start dating some guy,

  • and we'll go to the movies and he'll be like,

  • "Do you want to get popcorn?" and I have to be like,

  • "Oh, I hadn't even thought about it."

  • [laughter]

  • He's like, "What size?" and I'm like,

  • "[giggles] A small. Look at me."

  • [laughter]

  • Right, like a small popcorn? That's like taking one Advil.

  • Like, "get outta here."

  • [laughter]

  • "Get--I want a trough."

  • "And I want to dunk my head in it."

  • And--and then, you know.

  • I'll be pretending not to think about the popcorn.

  • - Hilarious. So when you say

  • you're gonna start dating again, that means that you're--

  • are you dating at all?

  • - No, I, um--

  • Well, I know everyone here is like, "How do we date you?"

  • Thank you.

  • [laughter]

  • You can't, and not just 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods with this UTI I have right now,

  • but also--

  • [laughter]

  • but also-- Thank you.

  • [laughter and applause] Oh, my God.

  • [laughter and applause]

  • No, but I'm not on any dating websites.

  • I don't--I'm on--I have one, like, app on my phone

  • that's kind of-- it's called "Foodspotting."

  • [laughter]

  • And it's like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know--

  • - Is this real? - This is totally real.

  • It lets--they let you know about food in your area.

  • So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular scone.

  • And uh-- [laughter]

  • Under a mile away.

  • Coincidence? Probably not.

  • [laughter]

  • So, I'm like, "Should I go?" And my friends are like, "Go!

  • Like, check it out!"

  • So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it,

  • and I was like, "Oh, my God, you look just like your picture."

  • [laughter]

  • So I'm kind of dating. Kind of dating.

  • - It's different than that. You should--

  • [laughs]

  • Oh, my God. - It's pretty much the same exact thing. - Hilarious.

  • - It's almost exactly the same. - Yeah.

  • - So, you're hosting the awards.

  • Now, is this something that you think about?

  • Do you get nervous about? Have you hosted an awards show?

  • - No, the only thing I've hosted so far is HPV, so...

  • [laughter] I feel--

  • [laughter]

  • No, it's not detectable in my system.

  • I just went back to annual Paps, but--

  • [laughter]

  • I'm really excited. No, I didn't--

  • - It's so weird that you're not dating.

  • - I don't know why. - I know.

  • - Where is it? - What's wrong?

  • - Why?

  • I didn't even know I was up for the job.

  • And I got to do a show at Carnegie Hall.

  • You know, a dream for a comic.

  • - Yep. - And I'm from New York,

  • so I--and that night, I was just so excited.

  • All my high school friends were there.

  • And then, my publicist, Carrie Byalick...Bialick,

  • something like that. [laughter]

  • She's like my best friend, and I'm just, like, nervous.

  • But she--she was like, "You got it!"

  • And I was just like, "What?" And it was--

  • She's like, "You're hosting."

  • And my high school friends went crazy.

  • Now they finally think I've made it.

  • They're just like, "MTV!"

  • I'm like, "How old-- we're like in our 30s, relax."

  • But-- [laughter]

  • Yeah, I don't know. My friends actually--

  • There's an article--I was on the cover of "Entertainment Weekly,"

  • which I'm so proud of. - I know, look at this!

  • I mean, look at the cover of-- - Yay!

  • [cheers and applause] Me!

  • I was so excited about that.

  • - Yeah, mini-- little alcohol bottles.

  • - Those are actually full size, but I am a giant.

  • - Oh, I see. [laughter]

  • [laughter]

  • - I'm on "Game of Thrones." Do you like me?

  • But one of my best friends, Chelsea Peretti,

  • she had a quote--they asked questions about me,

  • and she said, "Amy doesn't care what anyone thinks of her to a clinical degree."

  • And I was like, "Kind of an insult,"

  • but she's right.

  • So I'm just--I just want to have a really good time,

  • and I want everybody to laugh.

  • - That's how everyone should live,

  • is to not worry about what anybody thinks.

  • That's the best way to be full of yourself.

  • - Yeah. - So this movie,

  • you are starring in it, you wrote it.

  • Judd Apatow is directing and producing, right?

  • - I also did craft service on it.

  • I, um... [laughter]

  • I drove the trailers. Uh, yes, Judd directed it.

  • - But you wrote it. I mean, that--

  • So it is called--

  • - "Trainwreck." - "Trainwreck."

  • - Now, is it about me?

  • Yes. Yes, it is.

  • Yes, it is. Of course, it's about me.

  • Yeah, "Trainwreck."

  • It's a story about a girl,

  • who's, you know, in her 30s,

  • and, like, her behavior isn't really cute anymore,

  • all the drinking and spreading herself a little too thin.

  • And-- [laughter]

  • Whoa, judgmental.

  • And, uh-- [laughter]

  • Guys.

  • I'm fine. And then--

  • And, you know, she falls in love, and--

  • - And when is this coming out?

  • - It's actually not. They decided not to release it.

  • [laughter]

  • July 17th. - July 17th.

  • - Can I stay with you till then?

  • Because I haven't gotten my first check for the movie.

  • Is that cool, or--

  • - Plenty of room. - Okay, cool, thank you!

  • - Yeah. We would love to have you. That'd be great.

  • Bring your Hemsworth brothers--

  • - I do--I travel with that. - Okay -Yes.

  • - You do have it with you.

  • - And your show is coming back on Comedy Central for the third season. - Yes!

  • - Starting up again, congratulations.

  • - Thank you. [cheers and applause]

  • [cheers and applause] This season, I'm so proud.

  • - Yeah? - Yes, April 21st.

  • Yeah, please watch it. Don't just clap and then like, not watch it, okay?

  • [laughter] Be cool.

  • Be real.

  • - Oh, my God.

  • You make me laugh so-- you're hilarious.

- Okay. All right.

Subtitles and vocabulary

Click the word to look it up Click the word to find further inforamtion about it