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  • Siri: I'm seriously condsidering switching to Android.

  • Shut up!

  • Hi, I'm Zayn West, CCO of Apple.

  • Look, we get it. iPhones aren't cool anymore.

  • When the iPhone began, only the tech-y, young, cool people had them.

  • But at some point, everyone's mum and Pop-Pop learned how to use the damned things, which is why today, I'm excited to announce the iPhone 8C.

  • (Whisper) The C stands for cool.

  • The iPhone became more popular, and thus, less cool the easier it got to use.

  • Which is why we've made the 8C as counter-intuitive as possible to achieve maximum cool points.

  • To scroll up, scroll down.

  • To scroll down, scroll sideways.

  • And to scroll sideways, shake the phone, turn it counterclockwise and yell at it, like it is a disapproving pupup.

  • (Yelling) Protesting pipelines is a real job!

  • And my employer is the earth!

  • (ding)

  • Old people's eyes kind of suck.

  • And they're always trying to make the font way too big.

  • Which is why we've made the tiniest font possible and there's absolutely no way for you to enlarge it.

  • Damn! He woke AF.

  • And we took it one step further.

  • In order to unlock the iPhone 8C, you have to answer one simple age verification question.

  • (Siri) Who is Drake currently beefing with?

  • Uhhh... Frank Sinatra?

  • (Siri) Incorrect.

  • Ow! My dick's on fire.

  • (Siri) What is 9-11?

  • I don't know.

  • (Siri) Correct!

  • Yeah!

  • Left swipe, left swipe... (mumbling)

  • We here at Apple understand that personalization is key.

  • Which is why we've teamed up with Crayola to allow you to buy a special personalization kit.

  • So you can color your iPhone whichever color you like.

  • I colored mine pink because I don't believe a color can represent a gender.

  • Except for yellow. That's for boys.

  • And now it comes with the option of a cracked screen.

  • So you won't have to go through the guilt of inevitably cracking it youself.

  • But don't worry about shards of glass.

  • Introducing the new iBag.

  • This new product allows you to seamlessly scroll on your device without worrying about slicing your puny little meat fingers open.

  • And for our most advanced feature yet...

  • Yes, I was just speaking in a British accent, but that's not cool anymore.

  • For our most advanced feature yet, we're excited to introduce wireless charging.

  • When we removed the headphone jack from the iPhone 7, people completely lost their minds.

  • So we thought, hey, why not remove all the holes?

  • So when your battery runs low each night, simply bring it in to one of our Apple stores and let one of our geniuses replace your entire iPhone.

  • It only costs as much as the original price, plus a teeny-tiny recharging fee.

  • I love buying a new iPhone every night. Plus, I always get that new phone smell.

  • (sniff)

  • (whispering) I love you Apple.

  • The iPhone 8C. Putting the cool back in iPhone.

  • Oh, yeah and it doesn't make phone calls anymore. Just, I don't know, f*ck you.

  • Thank you so much for subscribing. Yes, I am speaking in a terrible English accent because it's cool again.

  • Click the box on the left with your sweaty little meat fingers to see behind the scenes footage and bloopers.

  • And click the box on the right to see the time the ghost of Steve Jobs unveiled the iPhone 6.

Siri: I'm seriously condsidering switching to Android.

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    葉神龍 posted on 2017/08/08
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