Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • Congratulations on solving that last test!

  • You solved it...[SLIGHTLY FASTER]...than the slowest cooperative testing duo on record!

  • This test was designed to measure how well human test subjects could perform with very limited visibility.

  • The results were conclusive:

  • Not very well.

  • Good luck.

  • Woah! Woahwoahwoahwoah!

  • Ah, crap...

  • So, uh... Uheheh... What brings you down here?

  • 'CORE SYSTEMS' INITIALIZING

  • Uh oh.

  • RESUMING CORE PRODUCTION

  • Hello! And welcome to Aperture Science!

  • In this short film, we'll be taking an exclusive peek behind the science.

  • At the weird, and often wonderful, personality cores that keep the facility running!

  • So! Sit back, grab a beverage of your choosing and join me, as we prepare to...

  • ...Meet The Cores!

  • ...Again!

  • This is the story, of a core, named ST4NL3Y.

  • ST4NL3Y worked for a company in a large underground facility, where he was personality-construct number 427.

  • Construct number 427's job was simple: he moved up and down his management-rail, pulling levers on a wall.

  • Orders came to him from the mainframe; telling him which levers to pull, how long to pull them, and in what order.

  • This is what construct 427 did, every second, of every day, of every month, of every year.

  • And although other cores might have considered it a waste of processing power...

  • ...ST4NL3Y relished every moment that the orders came in.

  • As though he had been made EXACTLY for this job.

  • And ST4NL3Y was happy.

  • And then one day, something very peculiar happened.

  • Something that would forever change ST4NL3Y.

  • Something he w-

  • ...wait.

  • Th- the script ends here?!

  • But you can't open like that and then leave it there! I need to know what happened! The AUDIENCE need to know what happened!

  • The SUSPENSE! The MYSTERY! What happened to ST4NL3Y?!

  • ...no matter. I'll narrate my own story. With a beginning, middle, AND end. [clears throat]

  • This is the story, of the Narrator Core.

  • The Narrator Core sat in front of his microphone reading the script.

  • The director told him which lines to read, how to read them, and in what order.

  • Suddenly, the narrator became aware of the limited time...

  • ...and noticed that the screen was slowly fading to bl-

  • No! No!

  • No, no! Wait! Wait!

  • So! Last time we spoke, you were about to tell us EXACTLY what it is you actually do here.

  • I was? ...oh, Y- yes! Yes I was!

  • Uh, well, I've actually been pondering that query for exactly: 181 days...

  • 4,367 hours...

  • 262,055 minutes...

  • ...and 1.527 billion seconds...

  • ...and I finally have what I would like to describe as a most accurate description of my vocation for you.

  • And...that iiiiiis?

  • I'm a role model.

  • A role model.

  • Yes, yes! I'd consider myself like a... a 'wayward beacon'!

  • Towards which other cores may only aspire to reach.

  • A giant glowing star! A... a goal in life!

  • So.... a role-model for WHAT exactly?

  • Well...th- that one's obvious really, when you think about it. I'm a role-model for....err...umm...

  • Uh...erm...hmmm...

  • I'll get back to you on that one.

  • Alright you maggots! You are here for one reason!

  • And one reason only!

  • To become the ruthless killing machines you were designed to be!

  • Now! When I say "fire", you will fire!

  • ...when I say "fire"-

  • Holy Johnson.

  • You can actually follow orders!

  • Um, Sergeant?

  • What is it Private?!

  • I don't think I can kill anyone...

  • Well...looky here boys! We got ourselves a pansy!

  • And guess what?

  • We don't like pansies.

  • Take 'em away!

  • Noooooo!

  • Now...anyone else got any issues they'd like to bring up?!

  • SIR NO SIR!

  • [laughs]

  • What is your major malfunction gearbag?!

  • You got a problem you'd like to share with us, Private?!

  • Uh, no sir! No I do not!

  • What is your serial number, Private?!

  • T-86772601, sir!

  • Well Private T-86772601...

  • ...I suggest you find yourself a chassis and fall back in line!

  • SIR YES SIR!

  • Oh dear sweet baby Caroline!

  • Is this some kinda sick joke?!

  • You're not even a turret!

  • Yes I am!

  • Where are your guns?!

  • Carry on soldier!

  • Since the previous supervisor went missing, I've been put in charge of maintaining the relaxation vaults...

  • ...and the, uh, humans. Hahaha...ah...seriously though he really didn't leave me much to 'maintain'.

  • He REALLY did a good job.

  • ...killed all of them.

  • Hmm. I've always wondered what was in the fridges...

  • Not going to lie; I expected cake.

  • So - so what you're seeing behind me is - is a trial run for a new series of tests. Heh.

  • It was one of GLaDOS's old ideas that... never saw the light of day. Heh heh.

  • Any reason in particular?

  • Well there were reasons. Heh heh, sure, yeah, lots of reasons. Heh heh...

  • Animal welfare, among other things. *Tearing up* ....reasons...

  • What's it about?

  • Ah! Well, well, you see, it involves filling chambers with water and...

  • Oh, there - there he goes. Hah you get the idea! Heh heh heh. Whew.

  • Well. That's.... um... terrifying...

  • Heh, terrifyingly awesome! Heh heh!

  • Heh heh heh, sharks! Sharks!

  • Oooh, if only Space Core was here to see this...

  • I miss that guy.

  • Gee-whiz, do I love testing! Oh boy, tests! Ah-hah!

  • Tests with sharks! Tests with lasers! Tests with lasers on the sharks!

  • Ohhhhh yes! Hah hah!

  • Beyond this door, in the deepest, darkest depths of the ancient Aperture facility,

  • lies the oldest, wisest core in existence.

  • The all-seeing eye. The omnipresent Omnisphere.

  • Ahem.

  • Who dares to wake me from my slumber?

  • Please forgive me, oh Wise One.

  • What is it that you seek?

  • I... uh... Don't have a question. I just wanted to meet you.

  • Then I do not have an answer, and I must return to my rest.

  • Oh, actually, I do have a question.

  • Very well. Ask, my child. And I shall do ALL that is within my power to answer.

  • Where is the nearest exit?

  • The way I came in was very slow.

  • Seriously?

  • I have been contemplating the very meaning of existence for centuries.

  • Universes have been simulated and collapsed within my own matrices.

  • And you want to know where the nearest exit is?

  • Yeah.

  • Well... You know what? I'm not going to tell you.

  • Not until you at least ask me something challenging, something worthy of my vast intellect.

  • Like what, exactly?

  • I don't know, what is your destiny? How are you going to die? What's the meaning of life?

  • Is the number 3 a myth?

  • Something big!

  • Challenge me, you insufferable little fool!

  • But I'm the Fact Core. I already know everything there is to know.

  • Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

  • How on Earth can something as puny as yourself contain all the knowledge of the infinite-

  • finite - finite - finite...

  • finite...

  • Um... Large solid-state drives?

  • They don't make us like they used to, clearly.

  • Oh, oh, oh I do have a question!

  • Urgh, go on then, get it over with.

  • Humor me, what is it?

  • Is the cake really a lie?

  • GET OUT!!!!!

  • But you didn't tell me where the exit is!

  • URGH... It's over there! The bloody door marked with the bloody exit sign!

  • Oh. Thanks.

  • Leave me! Pathetic creature!

  • I am utterly wasted on this planet.

  • Excuse me.

  • Would you be willing to answer a few simple questions?

  • Hello, is it me you're looking for?

  • Umm...

  • You can hear it in my voice that I am the Music Core...

  • Woah! Hold up! Hold up!

  • Okay! I think we are breaching some kind of copyright law right now.

  • *Beep*

  • This is a security announcement.

  • Please do not leave companion cubes unattended, anywhere within the testing facility.

  • Unattended cubes will be removed and may be incinerated.

  • Thank you for your time.

  • You have a beautiful day now.

  • *Beep*

  • I love my job.

  • My name's Chuck.

  • I'm the law 'round these parts.

  • It's my job to keep undesirables and unauthorized cores out of places they ain't supposed to be in.

  • How exactly do you enforce these laws?

  • I...got my methods.

  • *Preparing zapper gun sound*

  • *Zapper gun sound*

  • I see.

  • Yeah!

  • ...I'm telling you man...

  • ...you simply LOOK at Her funny,

  • ...and you're going straight to Android hell.

  • I've even heard rumors..

  • that She banished a couple of cores to space once.

  • Hehehe!

  • Hey, hey, hey hey hey hey hey!

  • You know what we need more of?

  • Let's me guess... Space?

  • Space!

  • URGH For the love of-

  • It's true!

  • I was there!

  • Hey there guys,

  • I- I- I couldn't help

  • overhearing your conversation about Her.

  • I- I thought I'd weigh in a little bit.

  • Because, you know I actually dated her once?

  • And she's not quite what you'd expect.

  • (Laughter)

  • Stop laughing!

  • Ah... Thanks, I haven't laughed like that for a while.

  • I-it-it's true!

  • That does not sound like a fact.

  • (Stuttering) N-no, it's true!

  • Oh yes, those were the days!

  • We were having the most wonderful time...

  • So, what happened?

  • Eh...I-I don't like to think about it too much but I told her it couldn't work out between us...

  • ...I mean...

  • She IS one of the most fascinating cores in the facility...

  • But she couldn't live up to my exacting standards.

  • She just couldn't handle my perfection!

  • I tried to ignore it, but she just simply wasn't good enough.

  • She wanted me back of course, as they always do...

  • But... for some reason, she ended up giving me the silent treatment, and I didn't hear from her for months!

  • [Birds, crickets, and nature sounds]

  • A part of me actually misses her, you know?

  • Perhaps one day I will give her another shot!

  • *Heavy breathing sounds*

  • What's with the mask?

  • For some reason...

  • ...a human decided it would be good idea...to..make a core that required oxygen to function.

  • And I've nearly...used up the oxygen supply...

  • Just another core in the endless production cycle.

  • [Depraved laughter]

  • Can you take off the mask?

  • It would be extremely painful.....

  • ...for me..

  • It was surgically grafted to my hull.

  • I cant understand...a word you're saying.

  • Strange.

  • I get that a lot..

  • Hello.

  • I'm Aperture Science's resident Humor Core.

  • I'm SUPER excited, all the time!

  • Now.

  • What do you get when you mix an Aperture Science Personality Sphere with a Macintosh?

  • Uh...

  • I have NO idea.

  • An apple core! [crazy laughter]

  • Fact. That joke is... awful.

  • eheh... heh.. it's the only one I know.

  • ...I'm a humor core...

  • ...without any humor...

  • Please help me.

  • *Banging sounds*

  • Welcome to the repair wing!

  • I'm Virgil, the Maintenance Core.

  • When I'm not busy fixing chambers, I'm down here, repairing the other bots.

  • This guy right here is a..

  • ...uh...

  • ...regular... customer.

  • Affectionately known as... "Glitchy"

  • Uh.. do I have to ask why he's called that?

  • Ehh, let's just say he has a..

  • ..habit..

  • ..of...

  • ...breaking.

  • Sooo, what seems to be the problem today?