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  • - WELL, IT'S THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN PEOPLE GET NAKED

  • AND WANDER OFF WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS.

  • I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SPRING BREAK.

  • I'M TALKING ABOUT--THERE'S A NEW SEASON OF "NAKED AND AFRAID."

  • HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW?

  • [cheers and applause]

  • [laughter]

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING THIS SHOW.

  • HAVE YOU HEARD-- WHO HAS HEARD OF THE SHOW?

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - OKAY.

  • THAT MANY PEOPLE HAVE HEARD, AND THAT MANY PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED.

  • IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

  • IT'S A REALITY SHOW THAT'S ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

  • IT'S A MAN AND A WOMAN. THEY'VE NEVER MET BEFORE.

  • THEY GET DROPPED OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

  • AND THEY HAVE TO SURVIVE ON THEIR OWN

  • FOR 21 DAYS TOTALLY NAKED.

  • [laughter]

  • WHY?

  • HOW COME?

  • AND THIRD, NO THANK YOU.

  • IF I WANT TO SEE "NAKED AND AFRAID,"

  • I'LL GO TO THE LOCKER ROOM AT THE YMCA.

  • SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ANYBODY WOULD WANT TO--

  • WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A CAMERAMAN ON THAT SHOW,

  • YOU KNOW?

  • IF YOU FILM NAKED PEOPLE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO INTO THE WILD.

  • IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, STAY HERE IN THE VALLEY.

  • THERE'S A LOT GOING ON.

  • [laughter]

  • I'M SHOCKED THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT TOO.

  • IN THE SEASON PREMIERE,

  • THE TWO PEOPLE GET DROPPED OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AMAZON,

  • WHICH IS FILLED WITH DEADLY SNAKES,

  • INSECTS, PIRANHAS--

  • AND DID I MENTION THEY'RE NAKED?

  • THE PEOPLE, NOT THE PIRANHAS.

  • ALTHOUGH THE PIRANHAS, I'M SURE, ARE NAKED AS WELL.

  • SO HERE ARE THE TWO CONTESTANTS, A.K. AND TYLER,

  • MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME.

  • - GAME TIME.

  • - THIS IS CRAZY.

  • BEING NAKED IN FRONT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX--

  • IT'S GONNA TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO.

  • - HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? - GOOD.

  • - TYLER. NICE TO MEET YOU. - I'M A.K.

  • - AWESOME. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

  • I SEE YOU BROUGHT THE TWIG AND BERRIES.

  • - YEAH. YOU GOT THE LADIES ALONG, SO WE SHOULD BE GOOD.

  • - YES. - THIS IS AWKWARD.

  • - VERY, VERY AWKWARD.

  • [laughter]

  • - AWKWARD?

  • CALLING SOMEONE THE WRONG NAME IS AWKWARD.

  • THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.

  • THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

  • A.K. AND TYLER GOT ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOES

  • THE SIZE OF CHIHUAHUAS,

  • AND THEY QUIT A FEW DAYS LATER,

  • SO THEN TWO NEW PEOPLE WERE BROUGHT IN.

  • THERE WERE PEOPLE BACK--

  • THERE WERE OTHER PEOPLE THAT WANTED TO DO THIS.

  • LAURA AND E.J. CAME IN,

  • AND THEY EVENTUALLY BUILT A RAFT

  • AND TRAVELED NINE MILES DOWN THE AMAZON RIVER.

  • AND--OH, IT WASN'T EASY.

  • - HEY, HEY, HEY. LOOK RIGHT THERE.

  • HOLY CRAP.

  • - HOLY [bleep]. WE'RE SITTING DUCKS.

  • - WHY? THAT'S MY QUESTION.

  • YES, WHY?

  • AND THE SHOW WAS PAINFUL UNTIL THE VERY END,

  • EVEN WHEN THEY FINALLY MADE IT.

  • - WE HAVE NOTHING LEFT IN US.

  • GO, GO!

  • COME ON, E.J.!

  • RIGHT HERE. GO, GO!

  • GO, GO, GO!

  • OH!

  • [groaning]

  • - [groaning]

  • - WE [bleep] DID IT!

  • - YEAH! - YEAH!

  • - OH, POOR E.J. POOR CAMERA GUY.

  • [laughter]

  • POOR US.

  • LAURA AND E.J. MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVED 21 DAYS,

  • AND GUESS WHAT THEY WON?

  • NOTHING.

  • NOTHING. THEY GO ON THERE--

  • THERE'S NO PRIZE MONEY. THERE'S NO PARTING GIFT.

  • IF YOU GO ON "WHEEL OF FORTUNE" AND YOU'RE GUESSING LETTERS,

  • YOU CAN WIN $90,000.

  • EVEN IF YOU LOSE, YOU GO HOME WITH PATIO FURNITURE.

  • THOSE PEOPLE-- THEY GO HOME WITH MALARIA.

  • THAT'S WHAT THEY GET.

  • IT'S CRAZY. IF YOU COME TO MY SHOW,

  • AT LEAST YOU'RE GUARANTEED TO COME HOME WITH A DANCE.

  • ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

  • AND I MEAN, LITERALLY, BUSINESS.

  • WE HAVE SOME GREAT NEW PRODUCTS IN THE ELLEN SHOP.

  • THERE IS THIS NEW PINK HOODIE.

  • NOBODY'S GONNA MISS YOU ON THE FREEWAY WITH THIS THING,

  • IF YOU'RE--

  • THIS IS BRIGHT AND SOFT AS CAN BE.

  • AND WE HAVE THIS T-SHIRT RIGHT HERE,

  • WHICH IS REALLY-- I LOVE HOW SOFT EVERYTHING IS.

  • CUTE, SOFT.

  • AND WE HAVE THIS TRUCKER HAT,

  • 'CAUSE WHEN YOU THINK OF THE "ELLEN" SHOW,

  • YOU THINK TRUCKERS.

  • [laughter]

  • IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • IT'S PERFECT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE.

  • ASHTON KUTCHER COULD WEAR IT.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • UH, CAN I HELP YOU?

  • - WE ARE LOST. DO YOU KNOW WHICH WAY THE AMAZON IS?

  • - OH, IT'S THIS-- IT'S THIS WAY.

  • - IT'S THAT WAY. - UH-HUH.

  • - OKAY. - YES.

  • YOU GO UP THROUGH THE AUDIENCE. - OH, IT'S NOT THAT WAY?

  • - NO, YOU GO THROUGH THE AUDIENCE.

  • AND, LOOK, HERE-- THERE'S A T-SHIRT.

  • NO, THIS IS--THIS IS FOR HIM.

  • AND THEN-- SIR, YOU MIGHT BE COLD ALSO.

  • YOU TAKE THAT ALSO.

  • SO, YEAH, IF YOU GO THAT WAY...

  • - THAT WAY. - YEAH.

  • - IT'S RIGHT THROUGH THE AUDIENCE.

  • - IT'S NOT THAT WAY? - NO, NO. IT'S THAT WAY, YEAH.

  • [cheers and applause]

- WELL, IT'S THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN PEOPLE GET NAKED

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