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We love recognition,
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but we suck at it.
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Whether we want to admit it or not,
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recognition plays a huge role in our day-to-day lives,
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in our happiness, in our well-being,
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both at work and in our personal relationships.
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But the problem?
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We are horrible at it.
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We are horrible about giving it,
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we suck at receiving it, myself included.
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And the problem is, most of us don't even know it.
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I had a rule for a year
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that no matter whoever I sat next to, on the plane or on the subway,
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even if they had earphones on or they were asleep,
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I had to get their attention
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and I had to interview them.
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And my first question was always,
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"What makes a good acknowledgment or compliment by a boss or supervisor?"
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Once they realized I wasn't hitting on them,
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trying to sell them something or get them to join a cult,
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then they would open up and they would tell story after story
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of the boss who never recognized them,
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the parents whose approval they wanted to gain
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or the teacher who made a profound difference in their life.
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365 of these interviews later
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I've come to understand one thing for sure:
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We are crazy. (Laughter)
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We are!
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And our relationship to recognition is confusing,
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it doesn't make much sense.
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For example, I interviewed my landlord when I lived in Boston.
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I said, "Cathy, what is your relationship to recognition?"
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"Oh, I love recognition, but it makes me so uncomfortable."
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Cathy explained, "I was at my retirement party." --
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Cathy worked at this organization for over 2 decades --
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"All of my colleagues were telling stories and thanking me.
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I loved it, but I was so embarrassed."
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What I saw with Cathy is what I saw in nearly all of my interviews,
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that the majority of us
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have this often multi-sided conflicting relationship to recognition:
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I love it, but I get so embarrassed;
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it motivates me,
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but I worry I won't be able to produce the same result in the future;
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or I don't like recognition;
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or I don't need recognition.
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But after asking a few questions,
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it always turns to, "I'm not comfortable with recognition"
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or "I'm not supposed to need recognition."
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So, I don't know about you,
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but I always thought that recognition
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was supposed to be something positive, right?
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Right?
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So, that's what doesn't make sense.
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That's why we are crazy.
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Why, if this is supposed to be something positive,
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do we all have these conflicting relationships to it?
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So right after Cathy said,
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"It makes me embarrassed," I immediately asked why.
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Without skipping a beat,
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"Fourth grade, school --
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in the middle of class my teacher goes, 'Cathy stand up!'"
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So Cathy slowly stands up.
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"Now everybody look at Cathy.
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Now that is a perfect uniform.
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All of your uniforms should look just like Cathy's." (Laughter)
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Awkward! (Applause)
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We all have these past experiences or associations with recognition
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and it's these past experiences or associations
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that dictate how we experience recognition right now.
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Now I am not a psychiatrist
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and we are not going to, I'm not going to go all Freud
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and talk about our childhood traumas,
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what happened to you in 5th grade,
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and what your mom said to you, and we are not going to talk about you.
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We are not going to talk about all our childhood traumas.
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But what I do want to talk about
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are some of the things that we do
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to ourselves and to others
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that keep these conflicting associations in place,
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limiting our ability to effectively give and receive recognition,
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and limiting our ability to actually get present
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to our own accomplishments.
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If you go back to Cathy's example --
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Can you see what Cathy's teacher did was not actually recognize her?
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Okay, maybe her uniform was spotless;
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it was perfect.
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But she wasn't actually recognizing Cathy.
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She was using Cathy to teach the other kids in class a lesson.
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That's not recognition; that's manipulation.
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I told you that my first question when I was doing interviews was,
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"What makes a good acknowledgment by a boss or supervisor?"
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9 times out of 10, people didn't tell me what made a good acknowledgment,
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but instead, what made a bad one.
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And I was able to establish several ineffective practices
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that actually break down trust
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and actually hurt our relationships and our connection with others.
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And I want to start today by sharing three of them with you.
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Number 1: I hate it when my boss give me compliments
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right before they ask for something. (Applause)
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Joe, habibi. (Laughter)
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You were an all star last week in that sales meeting. All star!
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Can you get me this report by five?
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How many people have a boss or a friend who does that?
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Yeah, by the way this is being recorded.
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(Laughter)
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Okay, now here is the real question:
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How many of you do this?
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Ah, less hands!
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You are all liars! (Laughter)
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'Cause you do this too.
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Mom, you are so pretty.
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I love you!
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Can I have 5 dollars?
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We all do this.
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Number 2, and by the way my mother's watching this.
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So mom that wasn't about you.
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Okay.
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Number 2: I hate it when my boss sandwiches feedback
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or criticism between two compliments.
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Also known as sandwiching, less eloquently known,
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excuse my language, as "the shit sandwich".
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(Laughter)
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George, Rona, you are such an asset to our team,
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but if you make a mistake like you did last week again,
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we are going to have to let you go.
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But, we are really glad you are here, really, really!
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Right?
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Or -- you are a really great guy but I just want to be friends --
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Hug?
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(Applause)
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Any compliment followed by a "but" is not actually a compliment.
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The problem? We have actually been trained to do this.
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This is a standard feedback model.
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If you go to any business school you are going to get taught this.
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When you get feedback you are going to just put it between the two sandwiches.
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And it's not always wrong,
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if we actually mean the compliments on either end.
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But most of the time, we don't.
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We are using those to make ourselves feel more comfortable.
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Okay! Number 3:
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This is what we do when other people are getting recognized and we are not.
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Imagine yourself at a staff meeting, at a family retreat,
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and that other guy or girl are getting recognized and you are not.
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If we like them, we are happy for them.
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Jealous, but happy for them.
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But if not, we are nasty.
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Jerk, kiss-ass --
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You guys have seen him. He doesn't really do any work, does he?
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Yeah!
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Now here is the question:
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When you are getting publicly recognized,
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what are you worrying people are thinking about you?
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Similar? Usually it is.
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Before you judge, give people the benefit of the doubt.
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Plus, I think it's time to give up the idea
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that someone else's success is our failure.
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Because that's just made up!
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(Applause)
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Now, when we do these ineffective practices
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we worry people are going to do them with us.
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And if you want to stop worrying about them,
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you gotta stop doing them.
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So this is what we do to others.
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What I want to talk about now is one of the things we do to ourselves.
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So you know when you start a new project at work,
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or you set a new goal for yourself?
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You get this idea in your mind
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what that end result is going to look like.
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I'm going to organize an event and a thousand people
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or a thousand two hundred people are gonna come.
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(Applause) Right? Go TEDx!
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Okay!
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And it's going to be extraordinary!
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And then you produce a result.
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And say 800 people show up
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and people are coming up to you saying,
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"Thank you, that was such a cool event, that was amazing!"
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But we don't hear it 'cause what are we focused on?
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We are focused on the gap.
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The gap between what we actually produced
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and what we had in our mind that we are going to produce.
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And then when people are coming up to us,
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they are actually recognizing us for this result.
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That's what they are experiencing.
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But that little voice inside our head blocks out all those compliments
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and it focuses on, "Yeah well, 200 people didn't show up,
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and you didn't do that, you didn't do that, yeah, yeah thanks for the compliment."
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Yap, but I didn't do that, and I didn't do that --
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See it's really important to focus on the gap,
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to pay attention to the gap.
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That's where we learn and that's where we develop.
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But if we only focus on the gap,
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that's how we go crazy, and that's how we burn ourselves out
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and the people around us out.
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So what's important is: Before you look at this,
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stop and look here.
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Look at what you did accomplish and all the things
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and the ups and downs you went through to produce this result.
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'Cause that's what gets us present to our motivation
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and that's what gets us present to the passion
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that helps us overcome the gap the next time.
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Okay.
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So, this is what we do to ourselves and others.
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And because we've been trained to focus on the gap our whole life
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and not hearing what people are saying,
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or because of these ineffective practices that people are using,
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and also because of these past associations, the craziness,
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I found that we've actually established
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this sort of conditioned response to recognition.
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Like Pavlov's dogs, when the bell was ringing they would salivate;
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someone gives us a compliment and -- "It was nothing!"
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"It was nothing! I swear!" or, "Voila" or, "It was a team effort."
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And maybe it was a team effort, but, but -- Here is my but, okay?
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Maybe it was a team effort, but that's not accepting the compliment.
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We quickly divert the recognition away.
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We also make jokes,
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or we play compliment ping-pong:
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I love your dress! I love your shoes!
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(Laughter) (Applause)
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And sometimes it's even culturally institutionalized.
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Someone told me recently that in certain parts of China
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it's actually considered impolite to accept a compliment.
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And also we find it in language.
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In French I say, "Merci," and you respond with --
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Audience: "De rien!"
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Direct translation:€“ "It's nothing!"
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Diversion, okay, you see it in Spanish as well.
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But there's an impact when we divert recognition.
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What most people don't realize
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is that a compliment is oftentimes
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more about the giver than it is about the receiver.
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And when someone offers us a compliment, it's like they are offering us a gift.
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And when we divert it,
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it's like we are taking that gift and throwing it back in their face.
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So even if you don't like it,
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even if you don't agree with it, just say, "Thank you."
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And if it made a difference, let them know.
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My friend Carol told me a story.
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She said, "When I was in fourth grade --
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and by the way I don't know why everything
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seems to happen in fourth grade, but it does.
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We should look at that.
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Marge, you can talk about that one, okay.
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Tell me what happens in fourth grade.
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(Applause)
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She said, "When I was in fourth grade,
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right before going on maternity leave,
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my teacher Mrs McKay-Hill came up to me and she says,
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'Carol, you know you are a really great student,
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you know you are going to be okay,
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you are going to do great things.'"
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Carol said, "I don't know what it was about what she said,
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but I went from being shy and reserved, to taking on sports,
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taking on AP classes, and just going for it."
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And she goes, "That compliment made such a huge difference