Have a seat. Thanks for being here.

That is the perfect amount of applause,

and any more would be superfluous.

[audience laughter]

That's a word that means "more than enough."

[audience laughter]

Yeah, Portia gave me a "Word of the Day" calendar, so--

[audience laughter]

I like to learn new things.

I'm not just a pretty face.

[audience laughter]

For instance, do you know what a lifehack is?

Does everybody know what a lifehack is?

[audience reacts] Everybody?

Does anybody not know? Good, okay, good, here it is.

It's a tip or a trick that can make your life easier,

and if there's one thing that I'm on this Earth to do,

it's to make your life easier.

So I want to share some lifehacks with you

in case you have not heard of these,

because they're-- they're helpful.

[audience laughter]

Here's the first one. Okay, first of all,

you should always, always keep grapes in your freezer.

Trust me on this. I'll tell you why,

if you don't know this already.

[audience laughter]

So if you're having a party, or if it's just Tuesday,

you want to have a glass of wine,

but that fancy bottle that you bought from 7-Eleven is not cold. [audience laughter]

You can use grapes instead of ice cubes,

and that way it doesn't water down--

You just put the grapes in, and it doesn't water down the wine.

[cheers and applause]

I learned this from Martha Stewart,

and if Martha Stewart does it, it can't be wrong, right?

[audience laughter]

But that's great--I think it's great for anything,

'cause when you put ice cubes in,

it waters it down, so you put that in your vodka, your tequila, your-- [audience laughter]

Keep some grapes in your freezer.

Okay, this next one, if you're on a plane, or anywhere, really,

and you want to watch something on your phone.

You know, people send you videos, or even if you want to watch a movie or something on a plane,

but you don't want to hold your arm up for that long,

because you haven't worked out.

[audience laughter]

You take your glasses,

and you put your glasses down like that,

and then you put your phone down like that,

and it's-- [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

I know! [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

Now listen, if you need glasses to see it, I can't help you,

because-- [audience laughter]

Or put your sunglasses down and use your glasses.

Okay, this next one is--

How many of you lose your corkscrew all the time?

Or your corkscrew breaks because the corkscrew thing wears out, 'cause you drink constantly?

[audience laughter]

Here's what you do: you take...

A screw and a screwdriver,

and you screw it-- so you have to have this,

so maybe... [audience laughter]

You do have to have a screw and a screwdriver, but--

You screw it in, and then you take a fork,

and all you do...

[audience murmuring]

[audience laughter]

Come here, tWitch.

[audience laughter]

I've already bent the fork.

Right.

All right, do you think it's the other way?

I think it's the other way.

All right.

[audience laughter]

It's fine, it's just the--

Just give me a second.

You're gonna--

No, I got it, I got it.

- No. - I got it, see?

- No, you're putting it-- - Life is hacked.

- You're putting it into your skin.

Oh, wow. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- Life is hacked. - All right.

Thank you. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

All right, so, you have to live with tWitch, but still.

[audience laughter]

Nothing wrong with that. Okay.

And here's-- this is the last hack.

This is--if you have toilet paper rolls,

which are handy for all kinds of things,

People use them to keep-- like, you organize your cords,

and put your cords in there.

You can keep your rolls of wrapping paper from un--

See? I'm helping. [audience laughter]

So here's my favorite use for that.

So if you want to listen to music,

but you don't have any speakers, what you do is,

[plays music on phone]

[music is amplified] [audience reacts]

[cheers and applause]

And then you dance!