Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • Welcome, and most importantly, congratulations!

  • Congratulations to everyone who's nominated tonight.

  • Thank you for letting me be a part of this.

  • I'm excited. I've never been to the Oscars before.

  • This is my first time here

  • and the way you people go through hosts, it's probably my last time here, so I'm gonna enjoy this while I'm here.

  • This broadcast is being watched live by millions of Americans

  • and around the world in more than 225 countries that now hate us.

  • And I think that is an amazing thing.

  • As you know, I don't have to tell anybody, the country is divided right now.

  • I've been getting a lot of advice

  • people have been telling me it's time to bring everyone together

  • you need to say something to unite us, and

  • let's just get something straight off the top

  • I'm not-- I can't do that. That's not-- there's only one Braveheart

  • in this room, and he's not gonna unite us either. Okay?

  • Mel, you look great. I think the Scientology is working, I really do.

  • I'm not the man to unite this country, but it can be done.

  • You know, if every person watching this show

  • I don't want to get too serious, but there are millions and millions of people watching right now

  • and if every one of you took a minute to reach out to one person

  • you disagree with - someone you like - and have a positive

  • considerate conversation - not as liberals or conservatives

  • as Americans, if we would all do that, we could make America great again. We really could.

  • It starts with us.

  • And tonight, in the spirit of healing and bringing people together, I would like to bury the hatchet

  • with someone I've had issues with. I would.

  • Matt Damon. Now Matt, I've known Matt for a long time now.

  • You know, I've known Matt so long, when I first met Matt, I was the fat one.

  • Okay? True.

  • And we've had problems. He's a selfish person.

  • Those of you who have worked with him know this.

  • But Matt did something very unselfish and I want to commend him for it.

  • For real. Matt, as you probably know, could have starred

  • in "Manchester By The Sea", he was the producer

  • it's nominated for six Oscars including Lead Actor

  • and he could have taken that lead actor part for himself.

  • But he didn't, he gave that role to Casey Affleck, his childhood friend.

  • He handed what turned out to be an Oscar caliber role

  • over to his friend and made a Chinese ponytail movie instead.

  • And that movie, "The Great Wall" went on to lose 80 million dollars.

  • Smooth move, dumbass.

  • See? It's so easy to reach out and heal. And I want to say-- maybe this is not

  • a popular thing to say, but I want to say thank you to President Trump.

  • I mean remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist?

  • That's gone!

  • Thanks to him.

  • What a night. It has been an amazing year for movies.

  • Black people saved NASA and white people saved jazz.

  • That's what we call progress.

  • A little movie musical named, "La La Land" ties the all time Oscar record

  • it was directed by Damien Chazelle

  • Fourteen nominations. Fourteen nominations: one for every year Damien has been alive.

  • Tonight is very important for Damien: if he wins, he'll be able to go to any college he wants.

  • So we wish you the best.

  • The movie business is changing. For the first time ever, Amazon is represented

  • at the Academy Awards. Amazon is the first streaming service nominated for Best Picture.

  • Jeff Bezos is the founder and CEO and I want to say congratulations to Jeff

  • you know, and I also want you to know, Jeff, if you win tonight you can expect your Oscar

  • to arrive in two to five business days.

  • Possibly stolen by a Grubhub delivery man.

  • Amazon produced "Manchester By The Sea"

  • That was a fun movie, wasn't it?

  • You know if you search for "Manchester By The Sea" on Amazon it says

  • "Customers who bought this item also purchased Zoloft.

  • I don't know what's going on but there are a lot of sad movies this year.

  • Of all the nominees, the only happy ending of all the nominees was the one in the middle of "Moonlight".

  • You didn't watch it, did you? "Oh we love it so much!"

  • The incredible Denzel Washington is nominated for "Fences" - a movie he also directed.

  • I don't know, you've probably heard the story of how it came together: apparently Denzel had always wanted

  • to work with Denzel, and it just so happened that their schedules worked out

  • and the rest is Oscar history. Congratulations to you, my friend.

  • We have friends and colleagues visiting from all around the world tonight.

  • The great actress from France, Isabelle Huppert, is here with us.

  • Isabelle, as you know, is nominated for her performance

  • in the movie, "Elle" and on behalf of everyone here, I would like to say

  • we didn't see "Elle" but we absolutely loved it. You were amazing in that film

  • and I'm glad Homeland Security let you in tonight. I really am.

  • We are very welcoming to outsiders here in Hollywood.

  • We don't discriminate against people based on what countries they come from

  • we discriminate against them based on their age and weight.

  • Andrew Garfield lost 40 pounds - where is Andrew?

  • Oh you can barely even see him, he got so thin

  • There he is. He lost 40 pounds for his role in the movie, "Silence".

  • It was an astonishing physical transformation that hasn't been attempted since every actress in every role ever.

  • Viggo Mortensen, who is terrific, is nominated for Best Actor

  • for his performance in the movie, "Captain Fantastic"

  • and it is so well deserved. Too often The Academy only recognizes movies that people have seen.

  • And I just think it's wonderful.

  • We are here tonight to honor great actors

  • but we're also here to honor the actors who seem great, but actually really aren't.

  • And of all the "great" actors here in Hollywood

  • one in particular has stood the test of time for her many uninspiring and overrated performances.

  • See? That's what he means.

  • And may I say, from her mediocre early work in "The Dear Hunter" and "Out of Africa"

  • to her underwhelming performances in "Kramer vs. Kramer" and "Sophie's Choice",

  • Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more than 50 films

  • over the course of her lackluster career.

  • This is Meryl's 20th Oscar nomination.

  • Made even more amazing considering the fact that she wasn't even in a movie this year

  • we just wrote her name down out of habit.

  • Meryl, stand up if you would. Everybody please join me in giving Meryl Streep

  • a totally undeserved round of applause, will you?

  • The highly overrated Meryl Streep, everyone.

  • We're gonna have fun tonight. I hope we're gonna have fun tonight.

  • Nice dress by the way, is that an Ivanka?

  • This is exciting. I think it's important that we all-- I know we've all seen it all, but it's important

  • that we take a second to appreciate what is happening here

  • we're at The Oscars, The Academy Awards. You're nominated! You got to come!

  • Your families are nominated, your friends-- some of you will get to come up here on this stage tonight

  • and give a speech that the President of the United States will tweet about

  • in all caps during his 5 am bowel movement tomorrow.

  • And I think that's pretty darn excellent if you ask me. So let's get going

  • it's time for our first category of the night, Supporting Actors.

  • It's what most actors parents are still doing: supporting actors.

Welcome, and most importantly, congratulations!

Subtitles and vocabulary

Click the word to look it up Click the word to find further inforamtion about it