call and ask out.

DAVID: On a blind date?

MALE SPEAKER: I don't know.

I went on a blind date recently, and the girl turned

out to be an avid baker.

I wanted some nooky.

But all I got was some cookie.

JILL: That's nothing.

Back when I was single, I was set up on this date with this

dolphin trainer, I don't want to tell you where that went.

DAVID: Hm, yeah.

MALE SPEAKER: Mm, boy.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Anyway, David, my friend Jill is very sweet

and very cute and I think you should call her

up and ask her out.

DAVID: All right.

What's her number?

FEMALE SPEAKER: Five five five--

DAVID: Five six five--

FEMALE SPEAKER: No, no , no.

It's Five five five--

DAVID: OK, I see.

Five six five--

FEMALE SPEAKER: OK.

Let's try it another way.

Five five five--

DAVID: Five six five--

MALE SPEAKER: What can I get you idiots?

Fucking with you.

JILL: Oh.

I'll have the duck.

MALE SPEAKER: [DUCK NOISES]

Right?

Kidding, of course.

Duck.

Uh, and what about Mr. Man?

DAVID: I'm going to start with oysters Rockefeller.

And then I'll have chicken ala king.

And I'll finish with bananas foster.

MALE SPEAKER: Okie dokie, folks.

I am going to bring this order over to the kitchen where they

make this slop.

DAVID: The waiter here is very funny.

JILL: I know, I love that you get food and comedy.

DAVID: Ah, Jill.

You know, Dani said you were great.

But she didn't tell me you were awesome.

JILL: Well, she said some very nice things about you, too.

DAVID: Ah, wait-- wait a minute.

I don't want to know because she knows

all my dirty secrets.

JILL: She said that you have a very small penis.

DAVID: No.

No, I don't.

I don't.

Sh---

I have a small pelvis.

That's probably what she--

JILL: Relax.

Relax.

That's why I wanted to go out with you.

I--

I asked Sandy if she knows anyone really little because

that's what I'm into.

Tiny and soft is what gets me going.

DAVID: Wh--

seriously?

JILL: Oh yeah.

DAVID: Jill, do you want to skip the dinner and just go

back to my place?

JILL: Alright.

DAVID: Cancel the Oysters Rockefeller, the Chicken ala

King, and the Bananas Foster and the duck.

MALE SPEAKER: Hey, Frank.

86 the duck and the asshole special.

JILL: Let me see it.

DAVID: Don't you want to warm up a little bit?

JILL: Let me see it.

Oh.

Sandy said it was minuscule, but oh my.

DAVID: And-- and you like that?

Oh god.

Wait.

I'm not quite erect yet.

JILL: That's how I like it.

Just stay soft, don't get hard.

DAVID: Yeah?

JILL: Good, oh yeah.

Oh, baby.

I can barely feel it.

It's like I'm humping a piece of gum.

Feels like there would be more there if you had no penis.

That's what I like.

David?

DAVID: Yeah?

JILL: David, you're getting hard.

DAVID: Of course I am.

JILL: No.

No, no.

That's not a turn-on for me.

DAVID: But I'm attracted to you.

Its involuntary.

JILL: Oh, so you have no self control?

I knew this was going to happen.

Sandy should have warned me.

You're just a whiny, worthless loser, aren't you?

Beside which, you're balding.

You're about as bald as your b--

ahh, there we go.

That softened you up, right?

That's perfect.

Just woosh it around.

Just like that.

That's right.

Yeah, not too much.

Oh god.

Oh yeah.

Ah.

Ah!

Ah.

Ah.

I just came.

DAVID: That's great.

JILL: I know.

DAVID: I mean, good for you.

But what about me?

JILL: Well, what would make you happy?

DAVID: Getting aroused and having an orgasm.

JILL: No, no.

That's not-- that's gonna be a real turn-off for me.

What else would make you happy?

DAVID: I mean, there are-- there are a few things I can

think of that would make me happy.

JILL: Here we are.

Oyster Rockefeller.

DAVID: Mm.

JILL: Chicken ala king.

Bananas foster.

Chocolate birthday cake.

DAVID: Mm.

JILL: Early REM CDs.

DAVID: Mm.

JILL: Scrabble.

DAVID: Mm.

JILL: And lastly, a pizza covered with

Metamucil and Rogaine.

DAVID: Man, Jill, this is great.

I think we could have a great relationship.

JILL: I don't think we should see each other anymore.

DAVID: Why not?

JILL: Your dick is too small.

DAVID: But wait a sec-- the whole thing was that--

the entire conceit was that you like the s--

FEMALE SPEAKER: So David, didn't I warn you that she

would get all turned on because of your small dicky,

but then she would think it was maybe too small?

DAVID: No, you didn't say anything about that.

MALE SPEAKER: You ever heard that expression, hey, too much

information.

In this case, it was too little information.

DAVID: Too little-- that's good.

That is too little-- not too much-- no, not too much

information.

That's the more common phrase.

Too little information.

FEMALE SPEAKER: OK.

DAVID: More like, go there.