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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE MISSED YOU GUYS.

  • WE'VE REALLY MISSED YOU GUYS.

  • WE'VE BEEN OFF THE AIR FOR THE LAST SEVEN... YEARS?

  • FEELS LIKE.

  • >> Jon: FEELS LIKE IT.

  • >> Stephen: SO THIS IS OUR FIRST SHOW OF THE TRUMP

  • ADMINISTRATION ( AUDIENCE REACTS )

  • YOU EVER REGRET GOING ON VACATION?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) "TAKE THE WEEK OFF, THEY SAID.

  • AMERICA WILL STILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

  • THEY SAID.

  • HOW MUCH COULD HE DO IN A WEEK?" WE WERE HERE FOR THE

  • INAUGURATION SHOW RIGHT AFTER THAT.

  • EVERYBODY SAID, WHETHER YOU VOTED FOR HIM OR NOT, YOU KNOW,

  • PEOPLE SAID, YOU KNOW, LET'S NOT WORRY TOO MUCH, OKAY?

  • >> Jon: MM-HMM.

  • >> Stephen: LET'S WAIT AND SEE.

  • WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT TOO LONG.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE LINE MOVES SO FAST ON THIS

  • RIDE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) EVERY DAY YOU JUST GET RIGHT

  • BACK ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER AND START THROWING UP.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT THE FAST PASS!

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) RIGHT THIS WAY.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) YOU GOT TO GIVE THE GUY CREDIT.

  • HE CAN CREELLY GET A LOT OF STUFF UNDONE.

  • FROM OBAMACARE TO CLIMATE CHANGE TO TORTURE, HE'S ALREADY MOVED

  • THE COUNTRY BACK TO 2004.

  • IF THIS KEEPS UP, PRETTY SOON, I'M GOING TO LAUNCH THE "COLBERT

  • REPORT."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO, YOU CAN'T SUSTAIN A SHOW

  • LIKE THAT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THIS GUY TRUMP -- IS THAT HIS

  • NAME, TRUMP?

  • >> Jon: MM-HMM.

  • THIS GUY IS THE USAIN BOLT OF EXECUTIVE ORDERS.

  • THE LATEST IS THE ORDER BANNING ANY REFUGEES FROM ENTERING THE

  • COUNTRY FOR 120 DAYS.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) NOW, KEEP IN MIND --

  • THERE ARE CURRENTLY MORE REFUGEES THAN AT ANY TIME SINCE

  • WORLD WAR II, AND TRUMP JUST SLAMMED THE DOOR.

  • EXPLAINS WHY THE POEM ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY NOW READS,

  • "DON'T LET IT HIT YA WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YA."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) STILL RHYMES.

  • IT'S PITHY.

  • NOW, THIS BAN TOOK EFFECT IMMEDIATELY AND IT CAUGHT A LOT

  • OF PEOPLE BY SURPRISE.

  • LIKE TWO CHRISTIAN FAMILIES WHO HAD PLANNED THEIR DEPARTURE FROM

  • SYRIA FOR YEARS, SECURED ALL THEIR VISAS, AND THEN WERE

  • DETAINED AT PHILADELPHIA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT AND THEN

  • PUT ON A RETURN FLIGHT TO DAMASCUS.

  • ( BOOING ) THAT'S LIKE SAYING... WELCOME TO

  • TRUMP'S AMERICA, A SHINING CITY ON A... PSYCH!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND AT DULLES AIRPORT, A

  • FIVE-YEAR-OLD IRANIAN BOY WAS DETAINED FOR HOURS AND KEPT FROM

  • HIS MOTHER.

  • OR AS KELLYANNE CONWAY CALLS IT, "ALTERNATIVE DAYCARE."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A REASONABLE TERM!

  • IT'S A REASONABLE TERM!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: MAN!

  • >> Stephen: NOW, ALL OF THIS IS UPSETTING, IF

  • YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

  • WHICH IS WHY TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PROTESTORS SPONTANEOUSLY

  • DEMONSTRATED AT AIRPORTS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOOK AT THAT.

  • TENS OF THOUSANDS.

  • >> Jon: THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANGRY PEOPLE

  • HAVE TO BE TO VOLUNTARILY GO TO J.F.K?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) JUST WALK TO YOUR DESTINATION.

  • IT'S QUICKER.

  • PEOPLE WERE SO ANGRY THAT AT SEATTLE'S SEATAC AIRPORT, POLICE

  • RELEASED PEPPER SPRAY INTO THE CROWD.

  • STILL HEALTHIER THAN PANDA EXPRESS.

  • AND THERE WAS OUTRAGE ALL OVER THE WORLD.

  • A MEMBER OF IRAQ'S PARLIAMENT SAID THAT FOLLOWING THE BAN, "IT

  • IS VERY LIKELY THAT IRAQ WILL STOP GRANTING U.S. CITIZENS

  • ENTRY VISAS."

  • SORRY KIDS, THERE GOES SPRING BREAK IN FALLUJAH.

  • THOUGH, HONESTLY, WHEN DID THE U.S. EVER ASK PERMISSION TO

  • ENTER IRAQ?

  • >> WHOA!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, TRUMP

  • RESPONDED TO CRITICISM THAT THE PLAN WAS RUSHED, TWEETING,

  • "IF THE BAN WERE ANNOUNCED WITH A ONE-WEEK NOTICE, THE "BAD"

  • WOULD RUSH INTO OUR COUNTRY DURING THAT WEEK.

  • A LOT OF BAD "DUDES" OUT THERE."

  • I DON'T THINK PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS EVER "USED" QUOTATION MARKS

  • "BEFORE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOT SURE.

  • BUNNY EAR.

  • UNBUNY EAR.

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • IT'S JUST KIND OF SPRINKLED IN THERE.

  • HE JUST THROWS QUOTATIONS IN THERE -- THERE, THAT'LL MAKE IT

  • TASTY!

  • AND "BAD DUDES?" IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE

  • MOST EVIL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, THAT'S PRETTY FLIPPANT, SIR.

  • THERE'S A REASON WINSTON CHURCHILL DIDN'T SAY, "WE SHALL

  • FIGHT THE DUDES ON THE BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT THE BROS ON THE

  • LANDING GROUNDS, WE SHALL FIGHT THE HOMIES IN THE FIELDS AND IN

  • THE STREETS.

  • SHAKA BRAH!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • SHAKA BRAH!

  • SHAKA BRAH!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) AND ON "CBS THIS MORNING" THIS

  • MORNING WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR STEVE MILLER EXPLAINED THAT THE

  • PROTESTS ARE ACTUALLY A GOOD SIGN.

  • >> IF NOBODY'S DISAGREEING WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, THEN YOU'RE

  • PROBABLY NOT DOING ANYTHING THAT REALLY MATTERS.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, IF THE MEDICINE DIDN'T

  • KILL HALF THE PATIENTS, HOW GOOD OF A DOCTOR COULD YOU BE?

  • ( APPLAUSE ) BESIDES, THIS WEEKEND WASN'T

  • CHAOTIC AT ALL.

  • AS A WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL SAID LAST NIGHT, "IT REALLY IS A

  • MASSIVE SUCCESS STORY IN TERMS OF IMPLEMENTATION ON EVERY

  • SINGLE LEVEL."

  • AND YOU KNOW IT WAS A MASSIVE SUCCESS BECAUSE HE SPOKE ON THE

  • CONDITION OF ANONYMITY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • THAT'S A GREAT SIGN!

  • YOU'RE ALWAYS PROUDEST OF THE THINGS YOU WON'T PUT YOUR NAME

  • ON.

  • "I KNOW WE'RE THE CHAMPIONS OF DENYING REFUGEES SHELTER, BUT IS

  • THERE ANY WAY WE COULD LEAVE THAT TROPHY BLANK?

  • AND THIS WASN'T THE ONLY THING THAT HAS ME UPSET.

  • TRUMP'S TOP POLITICAL ADVISER AND THE HANDSOMEST GUY AT THE

  • LIQUOR STORE, STEVE BANNON, ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ABOVE THE JOINT CHIEFS!

  • IT'S NOT NORMAL TO PUT A POLITICAL STRATEGIST IN A ROOM

  • WHERE GLOBAL LIFE OR DEATH DECISIONS ARE MADE.

  • BUSH DIDN'T EVEN DO IT WITH ROVE!

  • TEARED BLUESUM DIDN'T EVEN GET THE GIG!

  • THE WHITE HOUSE HAS COME TO BANNON'S DEFENSE, BY POINTING

  • OUT THAT HE WAS IN THE NAVY.

  • GREAT.

  • IN THE NAVY.

  • NOW THEY'VE JUST GOT TO ADD THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER, THE

  • LEATHERMAN AND THE INDIAN CHIEF AND HOLD THE MEETINGS AT THE

  • Y.M.C.A.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • ( SINGING Y.M.C.A. ) >> Stephen: MIKE PENCE IS NOT

  • GOING TO LIKE THAT PART.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT'S NOT THE THING THAT'S

  • MOST PERSONALLY UPSETTING TO ME.

  • HE RECENTLY DESCRIBED TRUMP VOTERS AS "THE WORKING-CLASS

  • HOBBITS."

  • HEY -- NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

  • YOU MIGHT BE THE DARK MEDIA GENIUS BEHIND THE BIGGEST

  • ELECTORAL UPSET IN AMERICAN HISTORY, YOU MIGHT BE PLAYING

  • FOOTSIE WITH NEO-NAZIS, BUT NOW WE'RE TALKING TOLKIEN.

  • AND THAT'S A SUBJECT I HAPPEN TO KNOW JUST A LITTLE BIT ABOUT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SORRY, STEVE BANNON, IF THAT IS

  • YOUR REAL NECK, THERE IS NO WORKING CLASS IN HOBBITON --

  • IT'S AN AGRARIAN SOCIETY.

  • THE ONLY WORKING CLASS CITIZEN OF HOBBITON IS TED SANDYMAN, THE

  • MILLER.

  • AND HE'S THE BAD GUY-- HE SCOFFED AT SAMWISE GAMGEE, SAID

  • BILBO WAS CRACKED AND ALLIED WITH SARUMAN IN THE SCOURING OF

  • THE SHIRE.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO STEVE BANNON, WHEN IT COMES

  • TO HOBBITS, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN FOR A

  • WHILE.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: LAY IT UP!

  • LAY IT UP!

  • >> Stephen: THE RESTRAINT I AM SHOWING RIGHT NOW --

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE NEXT ITEM ON

  • TRUMP'S TO-DO LIST IS PICKING SOMEONE FOR THE SUPREME COURT.

  • AND TODAY TRUMP ANNOUNCED THE HE HAS, UM, A BIG DECISION AND, UH,

  • THAT HE HAS MADE, A VERY BIG DECISION.

  • >> WE HAVE A BIG DECISION AND, UH, THAT I HAVE MADE, VERY BIG

  • DECISION ON THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT THAT IS GOING TO

  • BE ANNOUNCED TOMORROW NIGHT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE AT 8:00 O'CLOCK.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, TRUMP WILL BE ANNOUNCING HIS SUPREME COURT

  • PICK TOMORROW AT 8:00 P.M., LIVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!

  • IT'LL BE THE MOST EXCITING SUPREME COURT ANNOUNCEMENT SINCE

  • JUSTICE KAGAN BURST THROUGH A BANNER AT THE SUPERBOWL.

  • HALF TIME SHOW.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND JUST TO DRIVE THE HYPE,

  • TRUMP HAS RELEASED THIS AD TO PROMOTE THE ANNOUNCEMENT.

  • >> THIS TUESDAY AT 8:00 P.M., ENTERTAINMENT GETS SUPREME!

  • FROM EXECUTIVE PRODUCER DONALD TRUMP, IT'S SUPREME COURT

  • DOMINATION 2017!

  • WHO-WILL-TRUMP-CHOOSE?!

  • HOW MANY JOBS CAN STEVE BANNON HAVE?

  • THIS SUPREME COURT IS GOING TO RULE!

  • BROUGHT TO YOU BY NITRO PCS!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT

  • SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • LESLIE MANN IS HERE.

  • SO STICK AROUND!

  • ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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