B2 High-Intermediate UK 1535 Folder Collection
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And let us dive right in this week with the 2016 election.
Or as its increasingly known,
America's Fucktastic Cirque De Dismay.
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
Now, the big news this week surrounded Donald Trump,
a punchline that is quickly becoming a nightmare.
Like if you said, "Take my wife, please,"
and then she was actually kidnapped by ISIS.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, this week
revealed a somewhat startling statistic...
WOMAN: A new report from USA Today
found Trump and his businesses
have been involved in at least 3,500 lawsuits
over three decades.
Thirty-five hundred lawsuits!
That is unprecedented for a presidential nominee.
In fact, if each lawsuit involving Trump
were the basis of an episode of Law & Order,
they could sustain all 456 episodes of the original,
all 389 episodes of Law & Order SVU,
all 195 episodes of Law & Order Criminal Intent,
and all 22 episodes of Law & Order LA.
As well as every episode of The Practice,
Ally McBeal, L.A. Law, Boston Legal, Night Court,
The Good Wife, Matlock, JAG, Perry Mason, Judging Amy,
The Guardian, The Public Defender,
Owen Marshall: Counselor At Law,
Harry's Law, Courthouse, Suits, Family Law, Sweet Justice,
1971's The D.A., 2004's The D.A.,
Reasonable Doubts, Damages, Shark, The Defenders,
The Paper Chase, Head Cases, Judd for the Defense,
and all three episodes of NBC's First Years,
and at that point, you're still missing one lawsuit.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -But, you've also basically
run out of television shows about lawyers,
meaning Trump's lawsuits exceed the limits of the fucking genre!
(AUDIENCE LAUGH AND APPLAUD)
Well, lately... Lately, there have been
some new developments with Trump-related litigation,
after he complained about a judge
presiding over two particular cases against him.
I have judge who is a hater of Donald Trump.
-A hater. -(CROWD BOO)
He's a hater.
His name is...
Gonzalo Curiel.
(CROWD BOO)
And he is not doing the right thing.
The judge who happens to be, we believe, Mexican,
which is great, I think that's fine.
-Oh. Oh, you do, do you? -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
You think that's fine?
Great news people of Mexican descent,
Donald Trump thinks it's fine for you to be a human being
existing on this planet.
Now, for the record,
the judge in question was born in Indiana,
but that's not the point.
Because, as he later clarified,
it was the judge's Mexican heritage
that made him unfit to judge Trump.
You're invoking his race when talking about whether
-or not he can do his job. -Here's what I'm saying.
Jack, I'm building a wall, okay? I'm building a wall.
I'm trying to keep business out of Mexico.
Mexico's fine.
-There's nothing-- A Mexican-- -But he's an American.
Uh, he's of Mexican heritage, and he's very proud of it,
-as I am where I come from. -But he--
-Wait... -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
-Where exactly are you from? -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
Because you look like you came out of a clogged drain
-at the Wonka factory. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH AND APPLAUD)
And, you know what? That's great!
I think that's fine.
But think about what he's implying there.
The judge is unfit to do his job
because of his ethnic background.
And just his morning, Trump took it a step further.
What if he was a Muslim though? You've had-- been very tough
on temporary Muslim immigration ban.
If it were a Muslim judge, would you also feel like
they wouldn't be able to treat you fairly,
because of that policy of yours?
Uh... It's possible, yes.
Yeah, that would be possible, absolutely.
I would say that was the dictionary definition of bigotry
except after this campaign, the definition of bigotry
might just become, "See: Trump comma Donald."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, as it happens,
the judge he initially insulted is overseeing cases
involving the controversial Trump University.
And he ordered a cache of documents
to be released this week.
Which was very exciting to us,
because we actually looked into his university
when we did our big piece on Trump
back in February,
and it wound up on this very long list
of awful Donald Trump stories
that we literally didn't have time to delve into,
even in a 22-minute piece.
But, once we started reading through these new documents,
we figured, "Aw, fuck it.
Let's take some time to talk about it now."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Because Trump University
is kind of amazing.
Back when it opened, Trump made some big claims.
At Trump University, we teach success.
That's what it's all about, success.
It's going to happen to you.
If you don't learn from the people
that we're going to be putting forward,
and these are all people that are handpicked by me,
then, uh, you're just not gonna make it
in terms of the world of success.
(SCOFFS) "The world of success."
It sounds like what Donald Trump
-calls his bedroom. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
"Welcome to The World of Success.
Please enjoy a mint, and a nondisclosure agreement."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, unfortunately,
Trump University ran into problems in several states,
starting with the name itself.
We started looking at Trump University,
and, uh, discovered that it was
a classic bait-and-switch scheme.
It was a scam.
Starting with the fact that it was not a university.
Holy shit!
Trump University wasn't even a university.
Which is enough to make you wonder
what the fuck was in Trump steaks?
Oh God, it was possum, wasn't it?
It was possum, you monsters!
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
But the name was just the beginning,
'cause remember how he had "handpicked instructors"?
Well, according to his own depositions,
he did not personally select instructors for live seminars,
and was unable to recall the names
of key faculty members.
And it's probably good that he didn't handpick them himself,
that would be dangerous.
Anything Trump's tiny fingers touch
turn into an ex-wife or an abandoned casino.
And it doesn't stop there.
According to the sworn testimony by several former employees,
many instructors and mentors had no experience
buying or selling real estate.
In fact, one had worked as a salesmen for Lowe's,
and another had been manager for Buffalo Wild Wings.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Or as I call it, B-dubs-dubs.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -And even a former member
of Trump's own sale's staff testified that it was,
among other things, a joke, a facade,
and was just selling false hopes and lies.
And to be fair, every university has sold some of its students
false hopes and lies. It's just, most of the time,
they call it "a theater arts degree."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, these new documents
also include several revealing playbooks of sales tactics.
For instance, the room temperature
was to be no more than 68 degrees,
which is partly to keep students alert,
and partly because Professor Wild Wings
doesn't want the ranch sauce getting all gamy.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -There are also instructions
on how to sell and upsell students,
or as the playbooks call them, "buyers", on expensive courses,
with typo-riddled tips like,
"If a client is adamant about knowing the price,
simply say, 'Our course range anywhere from $29 to $35,000.'"
And if prospects seemed at all wary,
there was advice for dealing with that.
MAN: '"You must be very aggressive,"
one passage from the playbook reads.
'"If they complain about the price,
remind them that Trump is the best."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -You might laugh,
but that is the same technique that Trump has been using
to run for president, and apparently,
-it fucking works! -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
These playbooks are rife with sleazy salesmanship.
For instance, employees were told to substitute the words
"thank you" with "congratulations",
so that the potential costumer ends up thanking you.
-Which is pretty obnoxious. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
If I started this show every week with,
"Welcome to Last Week Tonight, congratulations on joining us,"
you would quite rightly turn it off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
And I know what you're thinking,
"Well, what about people
who simply didn't have the money?"
Trump U didn't really have a problem with that.
MAN: A set of playbooks for the sales team
coached them on how to market the courses,
even to single mothers with three children who, quote,
"may need money for food."
"Money," instructed the playbook,
"is never a reason for not enrolling in Trump University.
If they real believe in you and your product,
they will find the money.
You are not doing any favor by letting someone
use lack of money as an excuse."
"Lack of money is not an excuse"
is not what single parents need to hear.
It's what Donald Trump needs to hear
when a fifth company of his
inevitably files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
And as you might expect,
some of the customers on the other end of that hard sell
wound up feeling duped, like Carmen Mendez,
who put a $35,000 course on her credit cards
and was left disappointed.
CARMEN: I thought that I'm going to be a millionaire...
because Donald Trump is a millionaire
and they were offering the course
for people to get rich.
MAN: This is the closest Mendez got to Trump during the course,
a picture of her with a picture of Donald Trump.
Oh, that's not a one-off,
'cause another former student said,
"We were told that we would get to have
our pictures taken with Donald Trump.
It ended up being a cardboard cutout of Mr. Trump."
Which is actually a perfect metaphor for Trump University.
You're expecting the real thing, but in the end,
all you get is a tacky, two-dimensional facade
with Donald Trump's face slapped on it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
But perhaps the most suspicious thing of all
is that the playbooks even include specific instructions
on what to do if an attorney general shows up.
And believe it or not, the answer is not,
"Kick over a table as a distraction
-and get the fuck out of there." -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
No, apparently you contact April immediately.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -And it also reminds you,
"You do not have to show them any personal information
unless they have a warrant."
Which is suspicious advice
-for a university employee. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
I'm pretty sure Harvard doesn't tell its new professors,
"Welcome, here's a gun and a cyanide capsule
in case the fuzz show up.
-Don't let them take you alive!" -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
-Now, Donald Trump... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUD)
Donald Trump has broadly denied the claims in the lawsuits,
and his attorneys have gathered statements
from satisfied customers.
In fact, to hear Trump tell it,
"The school was very good value."
Ninety-eight percent of the people
that took the courses--
we have report cards from everybody.
They report-carded on the course.
Ninety-eight percent of the people
that took the courses,
ninety-eight percent approved the courses,
they thought they were terrific.
Okay, first there is something instantly fishy about 98%.
The only things that have that level of unanimous approval
are dictators,
Pixar movies, and Neapolitan ice cream.
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
Yeah, it's got chocolate for the chocoholics,
vanilla for the borings, and strawberry for the perverts.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -In fact,
according to plaintiffs,
the reason those numbers are so high
is because the surveys were not anonymous
and were filled out when participants
were still expecting to receive future benefits from the program
such as assistance or mentoring
from the instructor they were evaluating.
So listen to why one former student
gave it a good review that he now regrets.
I really look at it like this,
is... is...
Say you go to a really nice restaurant.
And, uh...
really expensive restaurant,
you eat this really gorgeous dinner,
and the chef comes out near the end of your meal,
and asks you how you liked the meal,
and you really, really loved it.
But then you-- by the time you go home,
you realize that, uh, you've gotten food poisoning
and you're really, really sick.
INTERVIEWER: What do you think about Trump University?
I feel like I've been poisoned.
I just felt like I was just duped,
and poisoned, and ripped off.
The only thing worse than that is having that same feeling
and then realizing, "Oh, shit!
He's got three years, 364 days, left in his first term."
-(AUDIENCE GROAN) -But perhaps
the most valuable lesson to come out of Trump University
is the one that it is currently giving all of us
in what's behind Trump's campaign strategy.
Because the playbook tells his salespeople,
"You don't sell products, benefits or solutions,
you sell feelings."
And that is what is happening now.
Crowds at a Trump rally may not be able
to point to a concrete benefit or solution he offers,
but they know how he makes them feel,
and that is jacked up and ready to boo any name
that sounds vaguely Latino.
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
So if you are planning to vote for Trump in November,
I'd like to direct you to a quote from the top
of Trump University's old homepage,
"Take the risk, but before you do,
learn what you're getting yourself into."
Donald, I could not have said it better myself.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -So thank you.
Or should I say, "Congratulations"?
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Trump University: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

1535 Folder Collection
Cooper Chiu published on December 18, 2016
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