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  • (whistling)

  • - Old orange Julius Caesar here.

  • (audience laughs)

  • To a lot of us he sure seems like something

  • genuinely new in American politics.

  • For one thing, he's made our political discourse

  • far, far nastier.

  • - This is not going to be an election

  • based on a nice person.

  • We're tired of the nice people.

  • You have this clown Marco Rubio.

  • He's a pussy.

  • Jeb is a lightweight.

  • - He doesn't sweat because his pores are clogged

  • from the spray-tan that he uses.

  • - Donald, you're a sniveling coward

  • and leave Heidi the hell alone.

  • - I gotta get this off my chest.

  • Donald Trump is a jerk.

  • - Oh, snap!

  • Oh, he roasted him!

  • Yo, is Donald Trump Moses, 'cause this Bush is on fire!

  • (cheering)

  • Now this name-calling shocks us right?

  • Because we have this idea that the election

  • is supposed to be a serious, dignified affair.

  • Why, the founding fathers, they were titans of etiquette.

  • Gentlemen intellectuals who resolved their disputes

  • through reasoned debate and delicate handshakes, right?

  • Wrong!

  • These guys were jerkbag politicians

  • just like the ones we have today.

  • Case in point, Thomas Jefferson.

  • Now yeah, sure, he and John Adams when they worked together

  • on the Declaration of Independence

  • they were very cordial.

  • But when they ran against each other in the election of 1800

  • the powdered wig stayed on, but the gloves came off.

  • Jefferson hired a newspaper editor named James Callender

  • to write the most vile things about Adams in the press.

  • Callender wrote that, - Adams has a hideous

  • hermaphroditical character which has neither the force

  • and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness

  • and sensibility of a woman."

  • - Jesus Christ, that is some 1770s shade.

  • - Burn!

  • (audience cheers)

  • - And by the way, Jefferson had that written

  • when he was John Adams' Vice President.

  • That's like if we found out that Biden was the guy

  • Photoshopping the Hitler mustaches onto the Obama posters.

  • So I'm sorry Trump, you didn't invent it.

  • Thomas Jefferson was the founding father of talking smack.

  • Okay, but how about this, Trump bragged about the size

  • of his penis right, remember that?

  • - Look at those hands, are they small hands?

  • And, he referred to my hands, if they're small,

  • something else must be small.

  • I guarantee you there's no problem, I guarantee.

  • - Okay, first of all,

  • no one with a big penis has ever had to say,

  • "I guarantee I have a big penis."

  • Other people spread the news for you.

  • But this outraged us.

  • We said, surely no serious presidential candidate

  • has ever done such a thing before!

  • Actually, yes they have.

  • Let's talk about our 36th president Lyndon B. Johnson.

  • Yes, his name was very appropriate.

  • Johnson bragged about the size of his penis constantly.

  • According to Robert Caro's biography,

  • he nicknamed it "Jumbo," and when a colleague

  • would approach him in the Capitol bathroom,

  • Johnson, finishing, would sometimes turn to him

  • with his penis in his hand, shaking it

  • as if showing off and say,

  • - Have you ever seen anything as big as this?

  • - Not since yesterday, Mr. President.

  • (audience laughs)

  • - Hey, you know what Lyndon, maybe you shouldn't talk about

  • your penis so much when your chosen nickname

  • sounds like the name of a Spanish language porn star.

  • (guitar music plays)

  • "El BJ."

  • (audience laughs)

  • Okay, okay, but Trump still treats people

  • way worse than that, right?

  • I mean, he bullied his way to the nomination

  • through insult and humiliation.

  • First he defeats his opponents, then he dominates them.

  • I mean, have you seen what he did to poor Chris Christie?

  • Oh, look at how sad he is.

  • This is like the last shot of an episode of Mad Men.

  • (Mad Men theme playing)

  • Executive Producer Matthew Weiner.

  • Chris Christie is the sitting governor of a state

  • and Trump treats him like this.

  • - I'm not eating Oreos anymore, you know that.

  • But, neither is Chris.

  • You're not eating Oreos anymore.

  • No more Oreos for either of us.

  • Don't feel bad for either.

  • - Oh great, now what's Chris Christie going to eat

  • while he's crying, "Why doesn't he like me?"

  • I'll tell you what, now he eats Hydrox

  • like a child of divorce.

  • (audience laughs)

  • You get the cheap (bleep) now.

  • But again, that is still nothing

  • compared to the way LBJ treated his staff.

  • He would famously force staffers to conduct meetings

  • with him while he was taking a dump.

  • Just listen to Johnson staffer and famous historian

  • Doris Kearns Goodwin telling her story.

  • - If you were in the bedroom holding back

  • when he went to the bathroom, he would just call you in

  • and say, "come on in, I haven't finished what I'm saying!"

  • You get, sort of used to this.

  • - Oh God, I think the worst part is,

  • "You get, sort of used to this."

(whistling)

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Other Donald Trumps Throughout History

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    Kristi Yang posted on 2016/11/10
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