It’s Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games. What a title!

And actually, it might be fair to say, “Thus perished this game.” This is the 3DS version

of the latest entry in the unlikely duo’s series of interactive Olympics commercials—I’m

sorry, Olympic-themed minigame compilations. And I guess you could say, after three games

in five years, the Olympic flame has gotten a bit dim.

Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games, which we’ll henceforth refer to as Mario

and Sonic 2012, is the third title in SEGA and Nintendo’s half-hearted declaration

of peace. Playing as characters from the Super Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog games, you compete

in simplified versions of popular Olympic events.

Or, as with this version, you push a few buttons.

That’s the most important thing to note about Mario and Sonic 2012 on the 3DS. This

isn’t the same game you’ll get on consoles, which in theory, could be a good thing. You

typically want the handheld version of a console game to get special attention...that is, provided

that attention is special in a good way.

Not a, “Let’s water this crap down” way.

There are more than 50 events to compete in, although again...compete might be a strong

word for some of them. The reason is that, on the 3DS, the events have been really...streamlined,

I guess. Or to be less charitable, made less fun.

Let’s take this sprinting game, for example. All you do is hold down A until the race starts,

then you mash the A button for five seconds until the race ends. You win.

Or how about boxing? You know, a really strategic, physically intense sport? Well, in Mario and

Sonic 2012 for the 3DS, you let go of a button after your opponent does.

I mean, there are video games, and then there is pushing buttons.

To be fair, as with any compilation, the quality varies. So as inane and pointless as some

of them are—I’m looking at you, volleyball—some of them are actually decent. Some of the shooting

events require you to move your 3DS for aiming, which works nicely. But for the most part,

there are some real stinkers on this thing. I mean, you actually have to yell at your

system in the weight-lifting games.

And yelling at your system isn’t good for anyone.

Another problem is you can only choose between four predetermined characters for each event.

So if you want to play the boxing game as Peach to punch Bowser in the face, tough ****, Bob.

That’s not allowed. Which seems like veiled sexism to me. You know, Peach probably has

a wicked jab, SEGA.

Mario and Sonic 2012 on the 3DS is more of the same Mario and Sonic Olympic stuff, only

not even that good. Few assessments are quite as damning. If you’re interested in this

game, get a console version. Any console version. Just avoid this one.

Do it for your country.