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  • What's up, everybody? This is Charlie from Charisma on Command, and, today, we're going

  • to be doing a Charisma Breakdown of Jennifer Lawrence, and I'm going to be focusing on

  • two things that she is amazing at, which is being more relatable and more likable. Now,

  • it's not just because if you go on any YouTube channel, any sort of internet forum, there's

  • this incredible outpouring of love and affection for her by people who have never met her,

  • really, they just watch these videos. It's, also, that she is the most famous actress

  • on the planet, yet she does not seem to garner any of the animosity or jealousy that you

  • would expect for someone in that position that is very common when people achieve high

  • status, and I want to talk about why, because it's something she does in just about every interview,

  • so let's get started.

  • You were working there. I don't know what you did.

  • It didn't come across over the course of a full week what I did there?

  • No, I had a-- I had a really big crush on you.

  • So this is your first hint. What she does in just about every interview is she tells

  • these vulnerable, embarrassing, weird human stories, and while you can tell stories about

  • just about anything to build a connection, because we love narrative. People love narratives.

  • The ones that, really, are going to create the most impact are these embarrassing ones,

  • and that's three-fold the reason why. First off, as soon as you start telling an embarrassing

  • story, you've got somebody's interest, because it's going to be juicy. The second thing is

  • that you have instant credibility. People don't like to talk about the things that are

  • awkward, different, weird, or embarrassing about them. And, so, when you start telling

  • the story, that trust is built almost instantly. And, then, last, if you go there first, you

  • are demonstrating that you are a leader because, honestly, this is the stuff that we bond over

  • with our friends, and if you're capable of doing this in first interactions or group

  • environments, not that you're just bleeding your heart out. But if you're capable of telling

  • these embarrassing stories, people are instantly going to find you a leader because you are

  • the one who has gone there first. So let's see what she does.

  • Yes, and so, I have this whole plan, like all week, I was like, "He's gonna ask me.

  • He's totally gonna ask me, I know."

  • I want to pause here real quick. The second thing to keep in mind, as she tells the story,

  • she tells it very well. Count the different number of emotions that she embodies. So she

  • did the first very embarrassed, put her head down. Now, she's in a power pose. This is

  • a short story but there's a ton of emotions that she, actually, acts out. That keeps us

  • emotionally involved. Remember this, from a story telling perspective; the entire goal

  • is to take someone on an emotional journey. And the easiest way to do that is to go on

  • that journey for them, to show them the exact emotions that you experienced. So just watch her

  • do that.

  • And I'm like, "I'm going to ask him out." I mean it's like surely 'cause I created the

  • romance in my head because I'm delusional, and, so, I was like, so I was like, "Okay,

  • you know what? I'm doing it. I'm doing it." And so I'm in there, I'm getting a costume

  • fitting and I had this whole plan, I was gonna ask you out, and I was like-- And I started,

  • thank god, I talked to the wardrobe lady about it and I was like I figured it out. I'm gonna

  • give him my number. And she was like, "Honey, he's engaged." I was like, "Cool, good thought."

  • So, again, there were so many emotions in there, and I just want to highlight a point

  • that I talk about all the time on the channel. Congruency is king. When you are telling a

  • story or anything, you want to make sure that you're one--the words, the facial expressions,

  • the gesticulations--are all in line with what you are trying to communicate. If you say,

  • "Yeah, it was really exciting." You do not build trust in people because the tone of

  • voice that you have and the content of what you're saying don't match. So if you can't

  • make those things match, it is very suspect that you will actually be honest. At least,

  • that is how people will perceive you. So, make sure you know the congruency thing.

  • The second thing is that it is so simple. This story is so basic. It's she didn't ask

  • a guy out who happen to be engaged, yet we laugh the whole time, and I want to highlight

  • it because of the emotions that she acts out. If you want to go for laughs, you can do it

  • in really smart ways, but I've talked about this before. The easiest way is physical comedy

  • and committing to your jokes.

  • But it was so long ago that now I feel like I can tell you.

  • Yeah, it is safe because it worked out. I married that lady.

  • Yes, you're married. Now, it's safe, you're locked away.

  • So, cheers to how everything worked out.

  • Cheers to it, yeah. Cheers to my humiliation, I guess. This feels great. That's the greatest

  • thing I've ever cheered.

  • I'm happier without you.

  • And so, you see, here, she continues to tease herself, and this is something that's called

  • self-deprecating humor. Now, before I go any further, I want to talk about this because

  • there a lot of misconceptions about when it is best to use self-deprecating humor and

  • when you shouldn't.

  • So, first, when you shouldn't. People think it has to do with your social standing or

  • status when you should use it, and, in fact, it has much more to do with your level of

  • self-esteem. We've all been around someone who is insecure about their weight, or something

  • else, and they start to talk negatively about it in a joking way. But you could tell that

  • they were really insecure about it, and it makes this awkward feeling of just being alienated from

  • them, of wanting them to stop that line of conversation. Please stop beating yourself

  • up. You do not want to do self-deprecating humor if you have low self-esteem because

  • it bleeds through. Another note, I will do a video on self-esteem. I love self-esteem

  • as a topic. It's incredible for improving your life, but this is not the time or place.

  • Keep your eyes out for a different video on that.

  • The second thing, the time that self-deprecating humor can be really useful, honestly, you can pepper

  • it sporadically throughout conversations, but it is incredibly powerful when you're

  • in a high status, high power position, or when you're asked to talk about your accomplishments,

  • and that's what I want to show you right now.

  • You are 23 years old. You just got nominated for your 3rd Oscars, so you went to the Oscars

  • for the third time.

  • Yes.

  • So this is exactly what I'm talking about. This is a difficult subject to talk about,

  • being nominated for three Oscars at age 23, without coming across as arrogant. So just

  • watch how she tells the story and see how your feelings about her evolve as she tells it.

  • And how was it? Did you approach it any differently for the third time?

  • I did. When my best friend, Lora, like sat me down when I first got, when I first got

  • nominated for Silver Linings a second time, and then, she was like, "I get it, like your

  • family has to go, but it happens again, I'm going."

  • So here's the point where everybody else starts talking about the dresses, and what other

  • famous people they saw, and she's about to tell a story of her and her friend going to

  • a party. Now, it does happen to be the Oscars, but she tells it from an angle that people

  • can relate to. That is important.

  • And I was like, "Okay," and I took her, and she was a terrible influence on me. She kept

  • like, we'd, like, left, and then, she was like, "Meet me at the bar." And, so, I like

  • snuck out, and I was like, "Oh, my god, I can't do this."

  • And, again, she's not telling the story from the perspective of being an insider. She's

  • telling it as she would if she were just a normal person picked off the street, who happen

  • to be at the Oscars. And because she presents herself that way, and because that's how she

  • feels, the audience, who is just normal people off the street, feels much more able to relate to her.

  • She was like, "You can do whatever you want." I was like, "I can?" And then, we ran into

  • Brad Pitt, and then, she was like, "Get Brad Pitt over here." I was like, "I can't do that."

  • She was like, "Yes, you can!" And then, so I just went, "Hey, Brad Pitt. Hey, Brad Pitt,"

  • and then, he like came over. He smelled like sandalwood. It was unbelievable.

  • So, she goes and tells the story. And if you're like most people, you probably has this feeling

  • of being able to relate to her, because she doesn't tell it from a perspective of this

  • being totally beneath her, she tells it from a perspective that most people have, which

  • is nerve wracking, exciting, star struck, upon seeing Brad Pitt, not knowing, how to

  • behave yourself. When you tell a story about your accomplishments, particularly, to someone

  • who has not been there, you want to focus on the human aspect of the journey. There's

  • this old adage in football, you know, "Act like you've been there before." When you're

  • talking about accomplishments with someone who hasn't been there before, do not do that.

  • You want to share with them the excitement, the nervousness, because that's the only way

  • that they're going to be able to relate to you, and it's something she does incredibly

  • well.

  • Yeah, and then, I was like, "Okay, I'm going out for the-- I've never gone out after Golden

  • Globes or Oscars or anything. I'm just so sick of people by that point, and I'm like,

  • "Oh god." But, this time, I was like, "I'm going out," and I puked all over. There's

  • this big fancy party that's like Madonna party, if you get invited, you're like, super important.

  • And, again, so she's mocking the hoity-toitiness of the entire event while talking about how

  • she puked on this guy's porch. That, again, makes her much more relatable, not that you

  • need to go out and screw up and throw up all over the place whenever you're doing this.

  • Don't invent things in your story, but if you are talking about your accomplishments,

  • in particular, or if you just want to, if you feel like in a situation that you might

  • have a little too much status, you might feel unrelatable to the people beneath you--this

  • could be someone that works for you, this could be, if you're in school, perhaps, someone

  • several grades younger. It often has to do with age, and position, and companies, and

  • things like that. But it can also occur in just a group, where someone is not as talkative

  • and outgoing as you are. If you feel that this has occurred, you might want to consider

  • a bit of self-deprecation, because, honestly, a bit of relatability, and a bit of vulnerability,

  • couldn't hurt in that moment.

  • So I hope you liked this video. Really, it's been a discussion of self-deprecation and

  • vulnerability, and how those add to people feeling like they can relate to you, because

  • if you ever read Robert Cialdini's "Influence" there are six factors, and one of them is

  • likability. If people like you, you can influence them. And the biggest thing that contributes

  • to likability is feeling like you are similar to them. So, when you have the same problems,

  • the same struggles, the same embarrassing moments that people can go, "Oh, my god, that's

  • exactly how I would behave." It has a very, very strong impact on how much they'd like

  • you, and how much you're able to influence them. In addition, this can create two, maybe,

  • three, of the emotions that you need to make an amazing first impression every time. And,

  • in fact, there are four emotions. Four emotions that if you nail, and get in the right order,

  • you're basically guaranteed to make an amazing first impression on anyone.

  • So, if you want to learn more about what those emotions are, go ahead and click the link

  • here. So that's going to take you to another page, where you can drop your email, and we've

  • set up a video after, that talks about what those emotions are, so that no matter where

  • you are, it really does not matter what part of the world, what sort of status the person

  • you're talking to. You know the kind of emotions that you need to create in them, and the order

  • that you need to do it in, so that you're not sunk, because, honestly, if you get it

  • wrong, first impressions can be tough to recover from. So I hoped you enjoyed this video. If

  • you guys have anyone else that you want to see, go ahead, add them in the comments. I

  • really use those for inspiration. And, if you want more videos like this, I'm going

  • to create one a week; not always like this, sometimes, just me talking to the camera,

  • but that is my early New Year's resolution, so go ahead and subscribe. You'll get those

  • all the time coming up, maybe, twice a week. I don't know. I'm excited.