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  • -Eff you, guys.

  • -Whoa.

  • -Whoa.

  • David, Jesus.

  • -No, no, no.

  • Fuguys.

  • That's 23 points, plus 50 points for the bingo.

  • Fuguys.

  • -But, David, Fuguys is only six letters.

  • -Ye-- yeah, and it's not even a word, David.

  • -Eff you guys, and that time I mean it outside of the context

  • of the game.

  • ZANDY (OFFSCREEN): Jesus.

  • -David, you seem really tense.

  • -I know.

  • I really just can't seem to chill out.

  • -David, you know, when I'm stressed out, I like to do

  • yoga, or meditation, or maybe some nice candles.

  • And, um, maybe a mellow CD or something like that.

  • -Oh, man.

  • I just wish I could do something that

  • would give me a release.

  • -Your wish is my command.

  • -Who are you, Zoltar from the movie "Big?" What does that

  • make me, Josh Baskin AKA Tom Hanks?

  • I mean, what's the deal?

  • You know, a little-known fact, that movie was directed by

  • Laverne of "Laverne & Shirley." Who knew?

  • A woman directing a movie.

  • What did she say, like-- (IN FALSETTO) Um, action.

  • I gotta get a tampon.

  • Like, how could that possibly work?

  • -Do yourself a favor and go see Kiki.

  • And ask for the--

  • -Happy ending, please.

  • Wait, wait.

  • Hold on a second.

  • Shouldn't I at least take you out on a date or something?

  • Maybe get you drunk?

  • -Fine, I'll have a lemon drop martini.

  • -Great.

  • There you go.

  • -Thanks.

  • OK.

  • -Hold on.

  • Stop.

  • -Listen, David, I see what you're trying to do,

  • but this is my job.

  • Rubbing strangers with oil and then jerking them

  • off, it's what I do.

  • Did I always want to do this?

  • No.

  • I think it'd be pretty strange if at five years old, I said,

  • I want to grow up to be a massage

  • therapist/handjob giver.

  • But a BS from Cal State Fullerton and a failed dot-com

  • later, and here I am.

  • -I'm getting hard.

  • -Ooh.

  • So this is the new and improved David Wain.

  • -Hey, hey, hey.

  • You got that right.

  • Who knew that a good handjob from the right woman would

  • turn me into a new man.

  • Namaste.

  • -(TOGETHER) Namaste.

  • -No, no, no.

  • Knobumstay.

  • 23 points, I got there.

  • So now I am in second place.

  • Very good.

  • -So, was I right about Kiki or what?

  • -Miles, I have to say when you're right, you're right.

  • When you're wrong, you're dead wrong.

  • When you're right, you're really right.

  • -Well, David, it's just so nice to see

  • you looking so relaxed.

  • -I just wish I could feel this way forever.

  • Hey, hey, hey now.

  • Hey, hey, hey now.

  • I have an idear.

  • Happy ending, please.

  • -Coming right up.

  • -You mean, like cumming right up?

  • Is that it?

  • What?

  • Coming right up.

  • -That's fantastic.

  • David, it's beautiful.

  • -I know.

  • But what do you think about the ring?

  • -I don't know what to say.

  • -Just say yes.

  • You make me feel so good.

  • I want you to jerk me off for the rest of our lives, till

  • we're old and gray.

  • I want you to jerk that off until it's brittle and bony

  • and disgusting.

  • I want you to jerk me off until there's

  • no more dick left.

  • It's just a spindly little stick of a dick, with no skin,

  • no muscles, just the little middle part.

  • -That's so sweet, but I'm afraid it'll never work out

  • between us.

  • -Why not?

  • Is it because I'm Jewish?

  • Or is it because you're a type of whore?

  • -You can say I'm already married.

  • Married to my job.

  • I make people happy five days a week, six if I'm saving up

  • for a trip or something, like if I want to go to Vegas with

  • the girls and let loose, you know, go clubbing.

  • Who else can say that about their job?

  • -Yeah.

  • Do you ever stop talking?

  • I feel like I'm watching "The View."

  • -You could also say I'm married to Walter.

  • -Who the hell's Walter?

  • Now I'm not so hard anymore.

  • -You know I can help you with that.

  • -You can?

  • -What do you say?

  • Let's give this story a happy ending.

  • -Well, yeah, all right.

  • Oh, that's good.

  • That's good!

  • (BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, god, that's good.

  • I'm two minutes away.

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

-Eff you, guys.

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