Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles - Cleaning day, my own personal hell. - My own personal hell is cleaning all these balls and not being able to say all the awesome ball jokes I have in my head. - Huh? Let 'em fly. We're friends. - [groans] We're work friends. - What do you mean? - Well, if you were my real friend, I would say, "Hey, do you want to see my balls?" And then I would show you my real balls as a misdirect. - [chuckling] - You know? But I can't because we're not real friends and you would file an HR report. - Okay, so, then, let's be real friends. - I'm not sure that you could keep up. - Come on! Look, you're giving me these. Eh? - Okay, good start. But, if you want to be my real friend, you're gonna have to follow the application process like everybody else. - Okay. Cleaning's done. Let's do this. [playful music] - [man singing] This is America Land of dreams Everyone can climb higher - [women singing] No you know you're stuck here 'Cause you're a part-timer yeah - [man singing] You can do anything - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard - [man singing] And you can go anywhere - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success - [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed With full-time dreams And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems Bad as it seems What the [bleep] are you doing here? Whoa What the [bleep] are you doing here? Oh Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]? [funky music] - So, Ella, my Director Of Friendship, Anton, will be happy to start your interview. - So, uh, here's my application. - Oh, I see you've listed me as a reference? - Yes, uh, we've lived together, we've worked together. - [clicks tongue] Smart, but, let's see what your reference has to say. Ian, your phone? - Oh, yeah. [cell phone vibrates] - Oh, uh, sorry, guys. I got to take this. Hello? Hi. Anton? Yeah, it's me. Oh, hey, what's up, man? Uh, yeah, so I'm calling about a reference for an Ella. Oh, yeah, she's cool. She works with me. Oh, nice, is she fun? Yeah, she came up with this idea for me to call myself. Yourself? [laughs] Oh, my God, that is crazy fun. Well, uh, I think I got everything I need here. So, uh... All right, well... love you. Don't make me say it. There are people around. We talked about this. You know how much it would mean to me. Fine. [rushed] I love you too. All right, guys, well, she checks out. So, uh, let's move on to the next phase. - Ha! Sweet. - All right. [game beeping, clanging] - [sighs] This is worse than I thought. You know the best way to fix a clogged drain? - Put more stuff down there to push the clog out the other end. - No, take out all the pipes and start from scratch. - You could just pour baking powder and vinegar down there. - STay out of this, Pete. - Yeah, we got thi-- - Oh. [chuckles] I know. Weird, right? I got cast in the school play and I'm going method! I'm becoming my character, Father Time. [both laugh] - I'm sure Father Time's balls have dropped total miscast. - You're not gonna take that, right? - Who said that? - I did, ya Nancy boy. - But you're my-- - Beard and I'm laundered. - [screams] Get off my face! Get off my face! - Calm down, kid, I'm the best thing that could happen to your face. How many times have you been shoved into a locker or drowned in a ball pit? Hm? - A lot. - Yeah, then, stick with me and you'll finally get some respect. Now go show 'em who's boss! - Hey! I said use vinegar and baking soda. It's right there. [water running] It worked. - That was good advice, Pappi. - Yeah, and that's not the half of it. You know, you kids are always-- - Wait! I want to hear everything, let me go get my notebook. - I'll get my listening cap. - Told ya. - All right, now we're gonna do a trial run of some genuine hang out time between the two of you. Don't acknowledge me, I'll just be back here observing. - Okay, then. Ha. [sighs] Uh... It's hard to be my real self when I'm being oberved. - Oh, oh, that's great. Yeah, confide in each other. No, I mean-- why can't we just hang out like normal people? - That's because a couple years ago, I tried to be real friends with a coworker and it was going well, until they found this. I'm a huge Carly Rae fan and I have been for a long, long, long time. It's a great source of shame. - [whispers] Yeah. - Hey, man, I get it. You know? We all have a thing. - Really? - This scar is where my sixth toe used to be. - What? - But now I keep it here. - Oh! [laughs] - Is that real? - Oh, gross, it is real! - Dude, can we just focus on the real task at hand which is...me. - Oh. - I'm sorry, Ian, that was very unprofessional. - Right. Ella, your story, and this toe, are really, really cool. - You two are relating so beautifully, do you think we should... you know, make it official? [hopeful music] - Sure. - Aah. - Congratulations. You two are now officially real best friends. - Yes! - All right. - So excited. - Dude, this is so perfect because I have a super-cool scar too. - Oh, whip it out. - Yeah, yeah, check it out. So a couple years ago, Anton dared me to swallow a lizard whole and then I did and then it got stuck in my throat. - Wait, what? - Yeah, yeah, then like a doctor performed an emergency tracheotomy and ripped that sucker right outta there. [laughs] [sighs] - I want my toe back now. - What? - Give me my toe back. - And I believe we can be making twice as much money if Lori just applied Nash's theory of economics to our pizza orders. - Wow, Pete, you're such a sage. - Yeah, this is a big day for the listening cap. - [indistinct whispers] - Uh, too bad your listening cap isn't a thinking cap, you big ginger galoot. - Pete. - [indistinct whispers] - Why don't you stick your braid where the sun don't shine, huh, sweetheart? - Why you being so mean? - I've got a beard now, bitch, and it's longer and grayer than yours. - Come on, Dinger, let's go clean somewhere else. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You two stay here, I'm gonna go take a nap in the ball pit, wake me when "Judge Judy"'s on. - Give it back. - But the lizard lived and it had lots of babies and then those babies had more lizard babies, I'm basically lizard Moses. - You got what you wanted, okay? We're not real friends, just work friends. Now give me my toe back! - No! I want to be real friends. You know-- remember back in the day when we thought balls were funny? - Balls are pretty funny. - You swallowed a lizard on a dare! - What's your big deal with lizards? - Lizards are super important to me. Back on the commune I could never have dogs, but I always had lizards. - That wasn't on her application. - I'm sorry, Ian, it's over. - No, no, no, please, please, just... give me one more chance. I'll do anything. - Okay, we can be real friends if you promise to make it right with all lizards. - Okay, I'll donate to the... Lizard Foundation. - And you agree to never harm another lizard. - Done. - And you'll tattoo a lizard over your boob so you never forget. - Yes--wait, a tattoo? - This is awesome. This is how all friendships should start. I'll need a pen, needle, and a lighter. I'll be right back. [slaps butt] - I told you not to mess with my Pete. - It wasn't us. - It's that beard. He's a totally different person. - Hey, gramps, how 'bout you stop using my ball pit as a Turkish bath and start doing the thing I'm paying you for? - Listen, I'm glad you're here Lor, Can we talk about my 401K? Mm-kay? - You're a part-time employee, you don't get a 401k. And after this, you're lucky to get a paycheck for today. - Jeez, you're a mouthy broad. - Excuse me? Okay, no paycheck and I'm calling your parents. Mm-kay? - No! No! Lori, you can't call my parents. They'll ground me and then I can't do the play. - Too late. - No! Please! Lori, no! Please! - Stop begging. Be a man and quit this place. You don't need them. - I can't. This is my job. - You call this a job? My grandpa works harder and he's a toupee. You'll never amount to anything, boy. - You're not a good beard, you're an evil beard. - Screw you! - [grunts] [both grunting] - What the hell? - Lori! Help! - Don't trust him, he's a method actor. [tattoo machine buzzing] - [whimpering] [screams] - I haven't even touched you. - I know, but I'm having sympathy pains for my future self. - Deep breaths, buddy. - No. No. [tattoo machine buzzing] Oh, holy mother[bleep], [bleep], son of a [bleep] [bleep]. Oh, [bleep], [bleep]. [groaning, whimpering] [repetitive beeping] [beeping stops] [crashes] - All right. - No, no, no, no, no! Okay, okay, okay, I can't do this anymore! You win! Okay? We'll just be work friends. - Yeah, right. Probably for the best. So there's one problem, because... you already know all about my sixth toe, and I know all about your Carly Rae obsession. So I think that makes us... - Real friends? - Sure. And technically I did give you a tattoo, so... - Huh? Oh! - Yeah, I'm not an artist. I could never actually draw a lizard. Sorry. - No, wait, this is awesome.