Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • - Cleaning day, my own personal hell.

  • - My own personal hell is cleaning all these balls

  • and not being able to say all the awesome ball jokes I have in my head.

  • - Huh? Let 'em fly. We're friends.

  • - [groans] We're work friends. - What do you mean?

  • - Well, if you were my real friend,

  • I would say, "Hey, do you want to see my balls?"

  • And then I would show you my real balls as a misdirect.

  • - [chuckling] - You know?

  • But I can't because we're not real friends

  • and you would file an HR report.

  • - Okay, so, then, let's be real friends.

  • - I'm not sure that you could keep up.

  • - Come on! Look, you're giving me these.

  • Eh? - Okay, good start.

  • But, if you want to be my real friend,

  • you're gonna have to follow the application process

  • like everybody else.

  • - Okay.

  • Cleaning's done. Let's do this.

  • [playful music]

  • - [man singing] This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

  • 'Cause you're a part-timer yeah

  • - [man singing] You can do anything

  • - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

  • - [man singing] And you can go anywhere

  • - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

  • - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

  • - [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are

  • - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

  • With full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • [funky music]

  • - So, Ella, my Director Of Friendship, Anton,

  • will be happy to start your interview.

  • - So, uh, here's my application.

  • - Oh, I see you've listed me as a reference?

  • - Yes, uh, we've lived together, we've worked together.

  • - [clicks tongue] Smart, but,

  • let's see what your reference has to say.

  • Ian, your phone? - Oh, yeah.

  • [cell phone vibrates] - Oh, uh, sorry, guys.

  • I got to take this.

  • Hello?

  • Hi. Anton?

  • Yeah, it's me.

  • Oh, hey, what's up, man?

  • Uh, yeah, so I'm calling about a reference for an Ella.

  • Oh, yeah, she's cool. She works with me.

  • Oh, nice, is she fun?

  • Yeah, she came up with this idea

  • for me to call myself.

  • Yourself? [laughs]

  • Oh, my God, that is crazy fun.

  • Well, uh, I think I got everything I need here.

  • So, uh...

  • All right, well...

  • love you.

  • Don't make me say it.

  • There are people around. We talked about this.

  • You know how much it would mean to me.

  • Fine.

  • [rushed] I love you too.

  • All right, guys, well, she checks out.

  • So, uh, let's move on to the next phase.

  • - Ha! Sweet. - All right.

  • [game beeping, clanging]

  • - [sighs] This is worse than I thought.

  • You know the best way to fix a clogged drain?

  • - Put more stuff down there

  • to push the clog out the other end.

  • - No, take out all the pipes and start from scratch.

  • - You could just pour baking powder and vinegar down there.

  • - STay out of this, Pete. - Yeah, we got thi--

  • - Oh. [chuckles] I know. Weird, right?

  • I got cast in the school play and I'm going method!

  • I'm becoming my character, Father Time.

  • [both laugh]

  • - I'm sure Father Time's balls have dropped

  • total miscast.

  • - You're not gonna take that, right?

  • - Who said that? - I did, ya Nancy boy.

  • - But you're my-- - Beard and I'm laundered.

  • - [screams]

  • Get off my face! Get off my face!

  • - Calm down, kid, I'm the best thing

  • that could happen to your face.

  • How many times have you been shoved into a locker

  • or drowned in a ball pit? Hm? - A lot.

  • - Yeah, then, stick with me and you'll finally get

  • some respect. Now go show 'em who's boss!

  • - Hey!

  • I said use vinegar and baking soda.

  • It's right there.

  • [water running]

  • It worked. - That was good advice, Pappi.

  • - Yeah, and that's not the half of it.

  • You know, you kids are always--

  • - Wait! I want to hear everything,

  • let me go get my notebook. - I'll get my listening cap.

  • - Told ya.

  • - All right, now we're gonna do a trial run

  • of some genuine hang out time between the two of you.

  • Don't acknowledge me, I'll just be back here observing.

  • - Okay, then. Ha.

  • [sighs]

  • Uh...

  • It's hard to be my real self when I'm being oberved.

  • - Oh, oh, that's great. Yeah, confide in each other.

  • No, I mean-- why can't we just hang out

  • like normal people?

  • - That's because a couple years ago,

  • I tried to be real friends with a coworker

  • and it was going well,

  • until they found this.

  • I'm a huge Carly Rae fan

  • and I have been for a long, long, long time.

  • It's a great source of shame.

  • - [whispers] Yeah.

  • - Hey, man, I get it.

  • You know? We all have a thing.

  • - Really?

  • - This scar is where my sixth toe used to be.

  • - What? - But now I keep it here.

  • - Oh! [laughs]

  • - Is that real? - Oh, gross, it is real!

  • - Dude, can we just focus on the real

  • task at hand which is...me. - Oh.

  • - I'm sorry, Ian, that was very unprofessional.

  • - Right.

  • Ella, your story, and this toe,

  • are really, really cool.

  • - You two are relating so beautifully,

  • do you think we should... you know, make it official?

  • [hopeful music]

  • - Sure. - Aah.

  • - Congratulations. You two are now officially

  • real best friends. - Yes!

  • - All right. - So excited.

  • - Dude, this is so perfect because I have

  • a super-cool scar too. - Oh, whip it out.

  • - Yeah, yeah, check it out.

  • So a couple years ago, Anton dared me

  • to swallow a lizard whole and then I did

  • and then it got stuck in my throat.

  • - Wait, what? - Yeah, yeah, then like a doctor

  • performed an emergency tracheotomy

  • and ripped that sucker right outta there.

  • [laughs]

  • [sighs]

  • - I want my toe back now.

  • - What?

  • - Give me my toe back.

  • - And I believe we can be making twice as much money

  • if Lori just applied Nash's theory of economics

  • to our pizza orders.

  • - Wow, Pete, you're such a sage.

  • - Yeah, this is a big day for the listening cap.

  • - [indistinct whispers]

  • - Uh, too bad your listening cap isn't a thinking cap,

  • you big ginger galoot. - Pete.

  • - [indistinct whispers]

  • - Why don't you stick your braid where the sun don't shine,

  • huh, sweetheart? - Why you being so mean?

  • - I've got a beard now, bitch,

  • and it's longer and grayer than yours.

  • - Come on, Dinger, let's go clean somewhere else.

  • - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

  • You two stay here, I'm gonna go take a nap

  • in the ball pit, wake me when "Judge Judy"'s on.

  • - Give it back. - But the lizard lived

  • and it had lots of babies and then those babies

  • had more lizard babies, I'm basically lizard Moses.

  • - You got what you wanted, okay?

  • We're not real friends, just work friends.

  • Now give me my toe back! - No!

  • I want to be real friends.

  • You know-- remember back in the day

  • when we thought balls were funny?

  • - Balls are pretty funny.

  • - You swallowed a lizard on a dare!

  • - What's your big deal with lizards?

  • - Lizards are super important to me.

  • Back on the commune I could never have dogs,

  • but I always had lizards.

  • - That wasn't on her application.

  • - I'm sorry, Ian, it's over.

  • - No, no, no, please, please, just...

  • give me one more chance. I'll do anything.

  • - Okay, we can be real friends if you promise

  • to make it right with all lizards.

  • - Okay, I'll donate to the... Lizard Foundation.

  • - And you agree to never harm another lizard.

  • - Done. - And you'll tattoo a lizard

  • over your boob so you never forget.

  • - Yes--wait, a tattoo? - This is awesome.

  • This is how all friendships should start.

  • I'll need a pen, needle, and a lighter.

  • I'll be right back. [slaps butt]

  • - I told you not to mess with my Pete.

  • - It wasn't us. - It's that beard.

  • He's a totally different person.

  • - Hey, gramps,

  • how 'bout you stop using my ball pit as a Turkish bath

  • and start doing the thing I'm paying you for?

  • - Listen, I'm glad you're here Lor,

  • Can we talk about my 401K? Mm-kay?

  • - You're a part-time employee, you don't get a 401k.

  • And after this, you're lucky to get a paycheck for today.

  • - Jeez, you're a mouthy broad.

  • - Excuse me?

  • Okay, no paycheck and I'm calling your parents.

  • Mm-kay? - No! No!

  • Lori, you can't call my parents.

  • They'll ground me and then I can't do the play.

  • - Too late. - No! Please!

  • Lori, no! Please! - Stop begging.

  • Be a man and quit this place. You don't need them.

  • - I can't. This is my job.

  • - You call this a job? My grandpa works harder

  • and he's a toupee.

  • You'll never amount to anything, boy.

  • - You're not a good beard, you're an evil beard.

  • - Screw you! - [grunts]

  • [both grunting]

  • - What the hell?

  • - Lori! Help!

  • - Don't trust him, he's a method actor.

  • [tattoo machine buzzing] - [whimpering]

  • [screams]

  • - I haven't even touched you. - I know,

  • but I'm having sympathy pains for my future self.

  • - Deep breaths, buddy. - No. No.

  • [tattoo machine buzzing] Oh, holy mother[bleep],

  • [bleep], son of a [bleep] [bleep].

  • Oh, [bleep], [bleep].

  • [groaning, whimpering]

  • [repetitive beeping]

  • [beeping stops] [crashes]

  • - All right. - No, no, no, no, no!

  • Okay, okay, okay, I can't do this anymore!

  • You win! Okay? We'll just be work friends.

  • - Yeah, right. Probably for the best.

  • So there's one problem, because...

  • you already know all about my sixth toe,

  • and I know all about your Carly Rae obsession.

  • So I think that makes us...

  • - Real friends?

  • - Sure.

  • And technically I did give you a tattoo, so...

  • - Huh? Oh!

  • - Yeah, I'm not an artist.

  • I could never actually draw a lizard.

  • Sorry. - No, wait, this is awesome.