Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles - Okay. - [exhales] - If you aim for my face, you'll hit the apple. - Mm-hmm. - No, higher. - Like that? - No. Ian, higher. - Okay, I can't concentrate if you keep talking. - Well, if you hit me in the vagina again, I'm gonna kick your ass. - Yeah, yeah, whatever. Okay, ready? - Yeah. - And fire! - [exclaims] - Aww, what? [scoffs] - Why? - See, this is why we test out the tee-shirt cannon before we fire it at children. - Okay, well... - Come on, you stupid-- [groans] [crash] Oh! - [sighs] Lori's gonna kill us. [paper fluttering] - Think we could bribe her? - [chuckles] [playful music] - [man singing] This is America Land of dreams Everyone can climb higher - [women singing] No you know you're stuck here 'Cause you're a part-timer yeah - [man singing] You can do anything - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard - [man singing] And you can go anywhere - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success - [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed With full-time dreams And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems Bad as it seems What the [bleep] are you doing here? Whoa What the [bleep] are you doing here? Oh Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]? - Are you out of your minds? - Something tells me she's not gonna take the bribe. - I'm not gonna take the money and neither are you. It's laundered. - [sniffs] Doesn't smell like detergent. - Ella, go hide the money until I can figure out who it belongs to. You were messing around with that damn tee-shirt cannon again, weren't you? - No. There's holes. Just falling through the ceiling. Just get it fixed, Lori! [snapping] Jeez! [video games whirring and dinging] Come on. Why can't we keep the cash? - It's dirty money. It could be drugs, blood diamonds, black market stereos. - Oh, my God. - What? What is it? - Dinosaur eggs. There's whole crates of them up there. - Those are avocados, genius. - Oh, right. The fruit that's made out of guacamole. - Ian, go back up there and see if there's anything else. I don't want to be an accessory to anything. - But they're just avocados though. From Florida. - [gasps] Taking fruit across the California border without a permit is illegal. And smugglers are some of the most dangerous criminals around. - [groans] Wait. What if something happens to me? - Oh, don't worry. You're replaceable. - [sighs] - Did you put the money somewhere safe? - Oh, yeah. No one will ever find it. - [exclaiming] [giggles] Oh, my God! [laughing] Oh, my God! Whoo! [video games beeping] - What do you think he's gonna find besides avocados? - Hopefully a turkey, lettuce, a Kaiser roll, and a side of Kettle Chips. I'm hungry. [phone ringing] [sighs] [phone beeps] I told you not to FaceTime me. It's gonna wipe out my data plan. - It's an emergency. I've been taken hostage. - Are you okay? - No, I'm not okay! I followed that tunnel all the way to the back of the bowling alley next door and there's a whole avocado operation going on-- - Move your face, kid! We want our money. - Yeah, and we want you to keep letting us use Pork E. Pine's ceiling tunnel as our stash house, or your golden boy here's not coming back. - We know how important he is to your establishment. He's been telling us. - I am super important! - Ian, don't worry, we're gonna get out out of there no matter what. - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's think this through. Ian, we gonna call you back. - But Lori-- [phone beeps] - What are you doing? - Look, I've seen TV. All we got to do is keep hanging up on them. We have the cash, so we have the upper hand. - But they have Ian. - But I have the knowledge of television. [chuckles] - Lori has secretly been refrigerating money, so I've called all you here today to figure out-- - How to confront Lori. - Jeez, no. No one's telling Lori. - Yeah, what's wrong with you, man? - Yeah, Pete. God. - We all need to figure out how to spend this money in the funnest way possible. - [gasps] all: Whoa. - And as my brain trust, I challenge you all to dream awesome. Go. - Seal. - Navy or animal? - Musician. - Next. - Lifetime passes to Colonial Williamsburg. - I fell asleep in the middle of that sentence. Next. - Let's start a bird sanctuary! - Let's avoid anything with religion. - Next. - Dinner with meatloaf. - Meal or singer? - Both. - Meatloaf with Meatloaf. You guys, that's the idea to beat. - Ah! Stop it. Let me handle the criminals. - Fine, but the next time Ian calls, you have to pick it up. - [sighs] Fine. [phone rings] Oh. [phone beeps] Ian, got to go. I'm holding auditions for the next Pork E. Pines. [laughing] - What? - I was just kidding. We wouldn't need auditions. Anybody can do your job. [phone beeps] - Lori! They're gonna kill him. - Oh. [scoffs] Please. Those smugglers wouldn't last 15 minutes with that damn fool. As long as Ian has an audience, he's holding them hostage. - You know, you guys are missing out on a huge opportunity right now. You see, um... I'm kind of a comedian, so, uh... ah, all right, here. I'll-- I'll just shoot some of my material. You--you let me know if anything sticks. This one will be right up you guys' alley. Uh, so you guys are in the avocado business. Your life must be the pits. [drum rimshot] No? Okay, um... okay. What is your name, sir? - Thermos. - Thermos? Is that--is that Greek? Right, Catholic. Saint Thermos of Assisi. [drum rimshot] [laughs] [chuckles] You guys want some physical comedy? Here we go. Here we go. [grunts] Oh, no. Oh, man. That one was premature. Guess it was excited to see me. [drum roll] - Do whatever you have to do, all right? Let's just--just negotiate him out of here. - Jebediah, Thermos, good to hear from you guys. So how's everything with Ian? Aww, that bad, huh? You sound so desperate. This is what we gonna do, mother[bleep]s. Meet me in the parking lot in one hour. - Tell them to bring Ian. - [stammering] - Lori! - I'm getting to that. - Here it is, guys. [triumphant music] [sighs] all: Whoa. - Just like we all agreed. It's a Jet Ski like Pete wanted, but fitted with a laser like Dinger wanted. - Now all we have to do is make sure that that laser's multi-functional so that we can use it to fix the cleft palates on needy children like Mads wanted. - It's perfect. - I get to use it first. - Why is there a Jet Ski in my restaurant? - Lori, I don't know why you were hoarding all that cash, but it's not exactly what I would call good management. Don't worry though. We spent it all as a team. - [laughs] - Yeah! - Yeah! [all laughing and cheering] - Look, guys. Ian's been taken hostage. all: Whoa. - You need to take that back. - We can't take back the laser Jet Ski. This is literally Pork E. Pine's most valuable asset. - [whispering] Yeah, I think so. - True. Should we weigh the pros and cons? [upbeat percussive music] - Yeah. - Also the Jet Ski could put on a laser show! - Oh, yeah. - [laughs] - Ian can't put on a laser show. - [laughing] No. Ian once tried to use his penis as a laser pointer and he just kind of peed all over himself. [laughter] - So it's agreed. Ian will live out the rest of his life with the smugglers. - Yeah, there it is. - Awesome. - Yeah. - Cool. - That's how it goes. - Guys, guys, guys. I hate to be that guy, but you do realize we need to get Ian back, right? - [sighs] - Dang it. - Whatever. - Fine. - Damn it. - Yeah, I know. - [sighs] [western music] - [grumbling indistinctly] - What's he trying to say? He better not be hurt. - Take off the gag. - Please, please, don't make us do that. - Take it off now. - [sighs] - What did one avocado say to the other?