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  • - That's 35 extra large pizzas

  • and here's your receipt.

  • - And here's my coupon.

  • - Coupon?

  • Haven't seen this before.

  • - When I first saw it I said,

  • "$10 off every $7 pizza?"

  • That means you owe me $3 per pizza.

  • [sighs] Such a deal.

  • - That can't be right.

  • That means we owe you over $100.

  • - That's what I said! Such a deal.

  • - Sir, as terrible as our food may be,

  • we do not pay people to eat it.

  • - Well, according to this coupon, you do,

  • and I want my money.

  • - What seems to be the problem, sir?

  • - This man is clearly a fraud.

  • He tried to pay with that.

  • - Oh, good, my coupon! It's working!

  • Mads, please take care of this gentleman.

  • Here at Pork E. Pine's, the customer's always right.

  • - Thanks, man.

  • Hey, we're running a special next door:

  • free pizza with car wash.

  • You should stop by.

  • - Oh, that's so nice.

  • Thank you.

  • - Thank you.

  • - Unbelievable.

  • - I know, right?

  • We're gonna make a fortune.

  • And make sure to tell all your friends!

  • - Now they're gonna tell all their friends!

  • - Exactly!

  • - Your coupon's gonna tank the business.

  • - I'm getting real tired of you always saying

  • I'm gonna tank the business.

  • If anything's bringing this business down,

  • it's your poor attitude.

  • - How did you even come up with these figures anyway?

  • - I crunched some numbers, but then my mind got confused

  • so then I did some crunches on my abacus

  • and came up with some new numbers.

  • I call it six pack math.

  • - Wow. - Yeah, I know.

  • It's not easy being a visionary.

  • Now I know how Steve Jobs must've felt.

  • [sighs]

  • - Look, we've lost a fortune this week.

  • I need you to consult an accredited financial planner

  • to fix this before Pork E.'s becomes destitute.

  • - Destitute?

  • Pork. E.'s would never sell sex for money.

  • Wait, should we?

  • [playful music]

  • - [man singing] This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - [women singing] Not you, though

  • You're stuck here

  • 'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah

  • - [man singing] You can do anything

  • - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

  • - [man singing] And you can go anywhere

  • - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

  • - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

  • - [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are

  • - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

  • With full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • - Of course I'm accredited.

  • Look at all my a-credit cards.

  • - I knew you were the man for the job.

  • - As your financial planner, I'll get you all your money back

  • plus my standard business fee of 25%.

  • - Half? [inhales sharply]

  • I don't know, man. That seems kind of steep.

  • - Yeah, it's only that high

  • because I know how bad you are at math.

  • Do you remember how you spent your sweet 16 birthday cash?

  • - Yeah, I still believe in dry-hump jeans.

  • - Yeah, which is why I'll be doing all the heavy lifting.

  • So you in?

  • - Congratulations, financial planner.

  • So how are we gonna get our money back?

  • - Oh, crowdfunding.

  • You just make an awesomely sappy video

  • and put it up on GiveYourMoneyToMe.com,

  • and then people just give you free cash

  • in exchange for dumb thank-you prizes.

  • - Okay, but how are we supposed to make a video?

  • - Oh, don't worry.

  • I know a guy.

  • [playful music]

  • - Quiet on the set.

  • Anton, you're playing the role of Sarah McLachlan.

  • Ian, you're playing the role of sad puppy

  • about to be euthanized.

  • - Got it.

  • - Uh, who is Sarah McLachlan?

  • - Dude, she's the original crowdsourcer-er.

  • You know, she's the one that talks really dramatically

  • and looks really sad and gets everybody's money.

  • - Oh.

  • - Yeah.

  • - Slate, please.

  • Copy. - All right.

  • - Heartfelt crowdsourcing video take one.

  • - All right.

  • - [clears throat]

  • [sighs]

  • Every hour, a human is beaten

  • by math.

  • I know because it happened to me.

  • And now this little fella is also a victim of mathematics.

  • Soon, he'll be jobless

  • and forced to live out on the streets.

  • - [woman singing] Na na

  • - But we could stop math before it's too late.

  • For just $1 a day,

  • that's $150 a year--

  • - [woman singing] Na na

  • - 365?

  • [acoustic guitar strumming]

  • Oh, God, it's happening again.

  • - [woman singing] Na na

  • - Please donate.

  • - [woman singing] Na na

  • - [whimpering]

  • [sobbing]

  • [both sobbing]

  • [sobbing] Please donate.

  • [sobbing] Please donate!

  • - Well, if we're gonna be the worst,

  • we might as well be the best at being the worst.

  • We did it!

  • - I can't believe we made the front page of HuffPo

  • for sucking.

  • - Yeah, but we're on the front page.

  • There's no such thing as bad press.

  • - You're right.

  • All that matters is that people are donating,

  • and we got the hits.

  • - Mm-hmm. - Hits.

  • [both chanting] Hits, hits, hits, hits, hits!

  • - Wait. When are we gonna get our money?

  • - Well, once we fulfill the donation orders,

  • then it's bada-bing, bada-boom, cha-ching, cha-ching.

  • [rapping] Cash register noise

  • Your financial woes are over

  • Forget about it

  • You talkin' to me?

  • - Okay, so how do we fulfill all these orders?

  • - Well, we promised our donors jewel-encrusted t-shirts,

  • so do you still have those misprinted tees?

  • - Yeah, but I was gonna use them up in the air ducts

  • to cover up all the asbestos.

  • - Don't. Don't. Don't bother with that.

  • No.

  • We'll just throw some jewels on those,

  • ship them out, and get paid.

  • Problem solved. - How many do we have to make?

  • - Just, like, a pinch over...

  • 2,000.

  • - What?

  • That's gonna cost a fortune!

  • - Relax, dude.

  • I know a great t-shirt guy.

  • [playful music]

  • - You know, this design and I

  • really clicked.

  • It only took me seven hours.

  • Just 2,000 more to go. - No!

  • Dinger, you're gonna have to work way, way faster on these.

  • - Said the pope to Michelangelo.

  • - Dude, just get it done.

  • - Okay!

  • But this one's mine.

  • [upbeat jazzy music]

  • [horn blares] - Wake up!

  • - [screams]

  • I quit!

  • These working conditions are starting to seem illegal.

  • - No, no, no.

  • If you quit, none of us get our free money,

  • and none of us get paid.

  • - Well, you guys finish the shirts then!

  • - Hey, I'm the financial advisor.

  • I sign checks. I don't do manual labor.

  • - Anton, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

  • - You have a lawyer?

  • - No, but I do have someone that's willing to act like one.

  • - Have you been a victim of harassment in the workplace?

  • Does your boss chain you to a desk

  • and force you to pee in a bucket?

  • Are you underpaid, overworked,

  • and constantly told that you have bad teeth?

  • Well... [chuckles]

  • Not anymore!

  • Howdy!

  • I'm Peter Petrinovic with Peter & Petrinovic,

  • and I'm here to fight for you!

  • Good afternoon, gentlemen.

  • I'll get straight to the point.

  • Here are my client's demands.

  • Mr. Von Ripworth would like overtime, under time,

  • hammer time, and a subscription to "TIME."

  • - But our whole business is going under.

  • I can't afford to pay him anything.

  • [video games beeping]

  • - My client wishes to inform the both of you

  • that he is unionizing.

  • - What union?

  • - The BGA:

  • Bedazzler's Guild of America.

  • Perhaps you've heard of them.

  • They are huge.

  • [no audible dialogue]

  • [children yelling]

  • - Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!

  • - Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!

  • - Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!

  • - Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!

  • - Great, now we have to fight a union to get t-shirts

  • to fulfill orders so we can get free money

  • to pay our company bills.

  • - Minus my 50% off the top, exactly,

  • but don't worry, dude.

  • I know a guy.

  • He's a union buster.

  • - Ian, you always claim to know a guy

  • and it's always the same guy.

  • Tell me it's not Dinger.

  • - It's Dinger.

  • What? He's affordable.

  • - You claim to be a fixer,

  • and all you do is make things worse.

  • - I can't help it if I'm an idea guy and you're not.

  • - I have an idea. - Yeah?

  • - You're fired. - What?

  • But, like, fired from Pork E. Pine's

  • or fired as your financial advisor?

  • - Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!

  • - Right, I'm just gonna assume that I still have a job here.

  • Cool?

  • [sighs] That was close.

  • - Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!

  • - Rhinestoners have rights! all: Hey!

  • - Dinger?

  • - Rhinestoners have rights!

  • - Dinger, can I talk to you for a second?

  • - No, you'll have to speak to my union rep.

  • Hi, I'm Dinger's union rep.

  • - Look, I can't afford to pay you overtime, okay?

  • We just don't have the money,

  • but would you be willing to settle

  • for some stock in the company?

  • - [spits]

  • Send the paperwork over to my lawyer.

  • I'll have him take a look when he's finished