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  • [upbeat music]

  • - It's a pleasure having two of my father's closest friends

  • pay a visit to my fine establishment.

  • Clovis, Virginia, thank you for coming.

  • - You're aware of our non-profit organization?

  • - The Brazilian Porcupine Foundation.

  • - So you're aware of our animal rights work?

  • - Well, I try to stay up-to-date

  • on all the porcupine-related news.

  • - We'd like to offer you a position on the board.

  • - It's an in to Sacramento high society.

  • - [chuckles]

  • - Wow.

  • - Oh, we'll take that as a yes.

  • Welcome to the upper echelon.

  • The air is so much better up here.

  • - Ah.

  • - [inhales, exhales]

  • [laughter]

  • [upbeat music]

  • - [man singing] This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

  • 'Cause you're a part-timer yeah

  • - [man singing] You can do anything

  • - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

  • - [man singing] And you can go anywhere

  • - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

  • - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

  • - [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

  • - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

  • With full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • - So they asked you to a party?

  • Fun.

  • - Not a party, Ella. A gala.

  • And I have to raise at least $10,000

  • to help save the Brazilian porcupine.

  • And I only know, like, three of my dad's friends' numbers.

  • - Well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's throwing parties.

  • I tell you what.

  • You let me take care of the invitees,

  • and in exchange, I won't have to pay rent anymore.

  • - You already don't pay rent.

  • - No, I mean you pay for the next place that I rent.

  • - No. - Deal.

  • - Are you sure you've got this covered?

  • - Yes, I'm positive.

  • - I just want tonight to be amazing.

  • - It will. Our guest list is full.

  • - Yeah, but what if none of them show up?

  • - Then your miniature ponies won't get their yachts,

  • or whatever, all right? Relax.

  • It's fine. Okay?

  • - Pete, have you seen my purse?

  • I've looked for it everywhere.

  • - The black leather one with the big rose and the pewter handle?

  • - Yeah...

  • Do you have it?

  • - Uh, no. Haven't seen it.

  • - [sighs]

  • - Hello.

  • Thank you very much. Enjoy.

  • - Hello. - Thank you, sir.

  • Wowie. Oh, okay.

  • Thank you. Wow.

  • Uh, you know, technically, there is a dress code.

  • Um...but for a $500 donation,

  • you can wear anything you want.

  • - Cool.

  • We're all gonna be naked soon, anyway, right?

  • - Yeah. [chuckles]

  • Uh, wait. Uh, what?

  • - Well, a Brazilian porcupine is a pretty complicated sex move.

  • I don't think clothes are gonna help.

  • Unless you guys do it differently.

  • You guys do it differently?

  • - You're here for the Brazilian porcupine, right?

  • - Yeah, I'm here to do a Brazilian porcupine.

  • Got my wax and my tarp in here.

  • The old trusty tarp.

  • See ya.

  • [classical music playing]

  • - Excuse me? Who all here

  • got their invitation from the Craigslist post?

  • [all giggling and murmuring]

  • - That's where I get all my stuff.

  • [classical music continues]

  • - Here you go.

  • [classical music playing]

  • - Mm.

  • - Are you okay?

  • - [gulps] No.

  • I accidentally started an internet sex party.

  • On any other night, I'd be super impressed with myself.

  • But Anton's gonna kill me.

  • - Ella, one of those creepers probably stole my purse.

  • - I know, okay? I'm sorry.

  • - Mads, I swear to you,

  • I will get your favorite purse back.

  • - How did you know it was my favorite?

  • - Oh, because you bring it to work every day.

  • Except for Thursdays,

  • 'cause that's when you go to the gym.

  • [chattering]

  • - This is the nicest Brazilian porcupine I've ever seen.

  • - You can't be serious.

  • - Well, I'm fairly new to the scene.

  • Why, do they get fancier?

  • - My dear, this is the bottom of the barrel.

  • - Nuh-uh. Barrelers meet on Wednesdays.

  • [microphone feedback]

  • - Hello?

  • They asked me to introduce Anton,

  • a true porcupine advocate.

  • Or, as he likes to call it,

  • prick of the year.

  • [laughter]

  • So, for a man who needs no introduction

  • but got one anyway...

  • Anton.

  • [one person claps, stops]

  • - First I'd like to thank--

  • - When's the [bleep] party?

  • - Yeah!

  • [crowd chattering]

  • - The [bleep] party.

  • - Oh! Oh, my.

  • - She gets it.

  • [crowd chattering]

  • - It's a what?

  • - Some kind of forbidden sex move, okay?

  • There was a mix-up on the invitation.

  • - Ella, this was your one responsibility.

  • - I know. I was gonna kick them out,

  • but they all paid.

  • You made more than $10,000 tonight.

  • - [laughs softly]

  • Okay, just keep them away from my guests, please?

  • - Okay. Okay, yeah.

  • I can do that. I can do that.

  • [crowd chattering]

  • [clears throat]

  • [crowd silences]

  • For anyone who's been asking for the grease,

  • I'll be serving it up

  • in the kitchen.

  • [all cheering]

  • - It's on!

  • [all continue cheering]

  • - Anton, you really must serve better hors d'oeuvres.

  • [techno music playing] - No, you shouldn't go in there.

  • - But they stole my purse.

  • [techno music playing]

  • I really shouldn't have gone in there.

  • - Mads, I made a commitment,

  • and I swear to you that if your purse is in that kitchen,

  • I'll get it back. And then,

  • I'll kick the ass of whoever took it.

  • - [groans]

  • [music and cheering]

  • - Aah!

  • Oh, no!

  • [crying] No!

  • - Pete! - No!

  • - Come back to me, Pete! - No!

  • - Okay.

  • - Thanks.

  • - This is really good, isn't it?

  • - Well, maybe we should try the grease in the kitchen.

  • Why not? I'm up for anything new.

  • - Look, ladies, no. Uh...

  • You'll--you'll miss the dance party.

  • Hey, buddy, uh, can we get some dance music up here?

  • - Way ahead of ya, boss.

  • [funky dance music playing] - Mmm.

  • Ooh. Electric Slide, everybody.

  • Come on and Electric Slide.

  • Mm-hmm.

  • Hey.

  • Uh-huh.

  • You got it.

  • Come on, do this.

  • Uh-huh, you got it.

  • [music continues]

  • Push your leg, hey.

  • [techno music playing in next room]

  • - [humming]

  • Hey, what are you guys doing?

  • - Protecting people from the Brazilian porcupine sex party.

  • [techno music continues]

  • - Nice!

  • - [groans]

  • [cheering, louder music]

  • - It does kind of look like a porcupine.

  • [funky dance music playing]

  • - Uh-huh. [humming]

  • - Aren't you guys having so much fun?

  • - Hey, sorry I couldn't find your purse.

  • - It's okay. If my purse is in there,

  • I'm not gonna want it back, anyways.

  • - I see you, ladies, I see ya.

  • Come on.

  • Put your butts to the back. Hey.

  • - Oh, yeah. - Now to the left, hey.

  • [classical music playing]

  • - So, I guess this means we'll be seeing young Anton

  • at the Train Restoration Gala next week.

  • - [chuckles] - Choo-choo.

  • [all chuckling]

  • - Dude...

  • Great Brazilian porcupine.

  • - Oh, uh, anything for the animals.

  • [chuckles] - For the animals.

  • Totally. - [laughs]

  • - Oh, and if, uh,

  • if we can have another sex party in your kitchen,

  • we'll pay double. Got a great drain.

  • [slurps] Black hole.

  • - [laughs nervously]

  • It's, uh...jokes.

  • [laughs nervously]

  • - Thanks for giving me a ride home, Pete.

  • - No probs, I can give you a rides whenevers.

  • [chuckles] It's cool.

  • - No way.

  • - What?

  • - No way.

  • [both chuckle]

  • I left it in my car.

  • You don't need to give me a ride home anymore, obviously.

  • - [chuckles]

  • Good...I guess. Um...

  • - Hey.

  • If I had to be traumatized by a Craigslist meet-up,

  • I'd want it to be with you.

  • - [laughs softly]

  • Guess I'll catch ya at the next sex party, huh?

  • [both laugh]

  • [poignant music]

  • - So, I'm gonna go. [chuckles]

  • - Okay.

  • [techno music playing in other room]

  • - You think...

  • - Great party, sir.

  • You're a hell of a host.

  • I'm tripling my donation.

  • [both laughing]

  • - Yes!

  • Oh, yeah!

  • - I never actually saw what was going on in there.

  • - Don't, no, man, don't. Don't go in there.

  • [techno music playing]

  • No. You okay?

  • Are you okay?

  • [upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

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SECRET PARTY (Part Timers #10)

  • 202 3
    Steven posted on 2016/04/27