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  • - Ooh, that's nice.

  • Oh, yeah. Ohh.

  • Oh, yeah.

  • - Can you pass me those time sheets over there?

  • - [strains]

  • Can't reach.

  • Nope, can't do it.

  • - You're a real asset to this company.

  • - What? Your air conditioning's

  • the only one that's crotch accessible.

  • - Hey, Lori, have we got a lost and found?

  • This is it?

  • Seems like kids would lose a lot more stuff.

  • - That's just the overflow. - Yeah,

  • the rest of it's in... the room.

  • [dramatic music]

  • - The room?

  • [dramatic music]

  • - 25 years of lost items.

  • - There must be hundreds of dollars worth of stuff in here.

  • We should have a rummage sale,

  • and then donate the proceeds to my Eagle Scout troupe.

  • - That's a good idea, Pete.

  • I'm gonna make you Employee of the Month.

  • - Awesome! You know,

  • the guys and I are gonna finally be able

  • to adopt that piece of highway we've had our eye on.

  • Oh, it's gonna be so clean.

  • - That's cute.

  • Sad, but cute.

  • [playful music]

  • - [man singing] This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

  • 'Cause you're a part-timer yeah

  • - [man singing] You can do anything

  • - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

  • - [man singing] And you can go anywhere

  • - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

  • - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

  • - [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

  • - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

  • With full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • - Damn it.

  • Being Employee of the Month for seven years

  • has been my only accomplishment.

  • - I'm pretty sure Lori gave it to you for one month

  • and then forgot about it for seven years.

  • - That's not the point.

  • My life has become all about this stupid suit.

  • You know what?

  • I vow to never be Pork E. again until I know who Ian is.

  • I'm a newborn babe.

  • [shimmering tones]

  • - Maybe the first thing about the new Ian

  • is that he wears clothes.

  • - Man! The new Ian sucks already!

  • - What is this?

  • - Charity rummage sale. Pete is running the whole thing.

  • - You approved this without my knowledge.

  • This isn't a rummage sale. It's a power play.

  • - Did you skip your breakfast this morning?

  • - No, I just read "The 48 Laws of Power."

  • It's the number-one-selling book in business school and prisons.

  • - And we both know you haven't been to either.

  • - You just pulled a real 44,

  • "disarm your opponent with a mirror effect,"

  • but I'm onto you, Lori Wakefield,

  • and this isn't over.

  • [dramatic music]

  • - God, I wish you'd stop reading.

  • - What?

  • [sexy music]

  • - [sniffs]

  • Ugh! [coughs]

  • - Oh, my God.

  • - It's over, Mads. There's nothing left to do

  • but drink away my feelings.

  • I mean, I have talent, you know?

  • Am I just gonna be a big fish in a tiny pond?

  • I mean, it's not even a pond, it's a ball pit.

  • I'm just a big fish in a tiny ball pit, ugh!

  • - Ian, you're having a quarter-life crisis,

  • and trust me, it only gets worse from here.

  • Listen, what you need is clarity.

  • Write down your goals and then you'll feel better

  • after you accomplish them.

  • - My goals? [scoffs]

  • Dude, that's easy. One, go to space.

  • Two, challenge Channing Tatum to a dance-off.

  • Three, get a time machine, go back in time, and relive

  • me beating Channing Tatum in said dance-off.

  • - Those are really good.

  • - Obviously.

  • - Why don't we think of something

  • you could accomplish today?

  • - All right. That's--that's a good point.

  • Thanks, Mads.

  • - Don't thank me.

  • Thank my first, second, and fourth therapists.

  • - [clears throat] My goals.

  • [playful music]

  • Number one, drink.

  • Two...

  • don't puke.

  • Three...

  • get some.

  • It could happen.

  • It's not gonna happen.

  • [burps]

  • - [straining]

  • - Whoa!

  • That artist totally captured that sub sandwich.

  • - Shh. I'm hiding this

  • so Lori won't know that I found it.

  • She'd be totally embarrassed.

  • It was probably painted by a former lover.

  • - Of course it was.

  • Look at the intimacy of the brushstrokes.

  • This would make a fine addition to my collection.

  • - No, this is private.

  • - Look, this is a rare piece.

  • It's the Sandwich Artist's art.

  • [quirky music]

  • - Ow.

  • - Yes. I've been looking for this.

  • - For a nude portrait of Lori holding a sandwich?

  • - No, for blackmail.

  • [playful music]

  • - Happy birthday, Tyler.

  • Time to think of a wish. Okay, everyone?

  • [singing] Happy--

  • - Don't waste your breath, Tyler!

  • [rock music]

  • You could blow out candles all day, and you know what?

  • It still won't make your wishes come true.

  • In the end, it all comes down to what you've done.

  • What have you done with your life, Tyler?

  • Nothing!

  • - Cut it out, Ian.

  • Stop vomiting your self-loathing all over everyone.

  • It's disgusting.

  • - It's not self-loathing. It's appletini!

  • - You want to make a change in your life?

  • Do something. Take a risk for once!

  • - Yeah, take a risk!

  • - Shut it, Tyler!

  • - You guys, I am not gonna let this fall into the hands

  • of a man who lives with his mom

  • and a man whose best friend is a porcelain cat.

  • - Whoa, okay, whoa. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

  • You keep Sausage out of this.

  • - Do you guys think that you can help with the--

  • Oh! Oh!

  • - Pete, I'll give you $20 for this.

  • - 25, and I'll give you a cruise in my convertible.

  • - 30, and I'll flash you once a month.

  • - 40, and I'll flash you twice a month,

  • and that's post-shave.

  • - $1 billion!

  • - You don't have a billion dollars.

  • - Don't I?

  • Ahh.

  • Who should I make this check out to?

  • Oh, the owner? Oh, that's right, me.

  • Here you go, Pete. I'll be collecting that later.

  • - One, two--

  • - Ian, no!

  • Just because you're a total loser

  • does not mean you need to kill yourself.

  • - Oh, please, if I wanted to kill myself,

  • I would do it in a way cooler way.

  • Like, with TNT and a shipping container.

  • Maybe during the Superbowl halftime show.

  • That'd be pretty sweet.

  • - Ew.

  • So what were you doing?

  • - You told me to take a risk.

  • That's what I'm doing.

  • I'm gonna cut my hair off.

  • That's--that's pretty bold. I love my hair.

  • - Are you okay?

  • - No. I've only accomplished one thing on my list today--

  • drink.

  • - You know that appletini mix

  • doesn't have any alcohol in it, right?

  • - Oh, great.

  • I'm not even good at a booze-fueled meltdown.

  • - I'm sure that you have other items on your list.

  • - See for yourself.

  • - "Get some"?

  • - Okay.

  • We'll go into Lori's office.

  • You take your clothes off, I'll take off my clothes.

  • I'm sure if we imagine different people,

  • we can make this work. - Ugh.

  • I'm done trying to help you figure out who you are,

  • because you've already made that crystal clear.

  • You want to be a real man?

  • Do something for someone else for a change.

  • [quirky music]

  • [quirky music]

  • - Ahem. Lori,

  • one day you're gonna want to run this company.

  • - I'm not gonna want that. - You might.

  • - I won't. - If you do.

  • - Nope. - If--I said if you do,

  • then don't, because I've got...

  • [whooshing]

  • [sexy music]

  • This. [chuckles]

  • - Are you blackmailing me? - No.

  • I'm pre-blackmailing you. It's way smarter.

  • - I see. Well, before you go

  • showing that to everyone,

  • you might be interested in who the artist is.

  • - Dad? - Oh, your dad

  • is an artiste in many mediums,

  • be it canvas, sandwich, or mattress.

  • - Oh, my God.

  • Wait, does that mean you're my mom?

  • - Rule number one, stop being stupid.

  • - Ah, so I see Pork E.'s back.

  • I guess you found out who you are.

  • - Yeah, I'm a jerk.

  • A really smart girl helped me realize that.

  • Look, I'm sorry, Mads. You were right.

  • And I would totally sleep with you...

  • If I was really drunk and super desperate.

  • - That's actually the nicest thing

  • I've ever heard you say, so.

  • - Um, got you this at the rummage sale.

  • - Oh, my God! My label maker?

  • Mmm. I've been looking for this everywhere.

  • - Wait, that was already yours? I spent 50 bucks on that.

  • - Aw. Give me that list.

  • - Okay, but I didn't accomplish anything, so don't judge. (Get something for someone else.)

  • - There's hope for you yet, Ian.

  • These are the first steps to becoming a better person.

  • - Wait, there's more steps?

  • [grumbles]

  • [upbeat music]

  • - What? I like sandwiches.

  • [sexy music]

  • [upbeat music]

- Ooh, that's nice.

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B1 US lori music man singing pete man sandwich

NEW IAN SUCKS (Part Timers #6)

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    Steven posted on 2016/04/27
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