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  • [Spanish music] (The Old Man Who Came At Sea)

  • - "Are you uncomfortable?" He whispered.

  • And she was.

  • She suckled the red juice of his ungloved fingers.

  • Warm and slippery.

  • Underneath the table, his organ strained to essence.

  • "I'm here for you."

  • He said as she grabbed handfuls of his hair.

  • Her dewy honeypot sticky with sweetness.

  • - [groans] - His probing piston

  • hot and raw sought her damp cavern.

  • He knew how to properly handle a woman

  • and a fish, but both together?

  • As she approached lubricated frenzy,

  • he leaned in and whispered-- - Seriously?

  • -I want all of you... - Wha--

  • [groans]

  • I think I just sprained my--

  • Never mind.

  • [upbeat music]

  • - This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - Not you, though

  • - You're stuck here

  • - 'Cause you're a part-timer

  • - Yeah!

  • - You can do anything

  • - As long it's not hard

  • - And you can go anywhere

  • - As soon as you get a car

  • - You're gonna be a huge success

  • - Come on, that's not who you are

  • - You're a part-timer cursed with full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job

  • Is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • But seriously, dude. - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • - Romance? Me?

  • Ms. Cleon, are you reading my moon sign right?

  • I'm not the psychic one here, but...

  • the men in Sacramento are like-- - Lori!

  • - Like boys. Call you next week.

  • Lori, the health inspector's here and he's gonna fail us

  • and my dad said he won't bail me out this time.

  • It's so unfair! You burn down one Donut Hut--

  • - You don't have to worry.

  • I got a strategy that works every time.

  • - What if the inspector finds the rat droppings?

  • Or the larva? Or the cheese lice?

  • - Don't worry about that.

  • First, never let them lead.

  • As long as I'm in front, I'm in charge.

  • Which brings me to number two. Literally.

  • Never let them see the upstairs staff bathroom.

  • That's self explanatory.

  • - I didn't even know we had an upstairs staff bathroom.

  • - None of that even matters because the inspector is Carol

  • and we play on the same softball league

  • for childless adults. - But, Lori--

  • - Calm yourself down.

  • Oh, I better go clear the hotdog skins

  • from the kitchen sink.

  • Send her over in ten.

  • - [slurps]

  • - Pete, you want your shave clean.

  • Smooth. Intentional.

  • The eyes might be the window to the soul,

  • but the face is the escape hatch to the mind.

  • Now hand me that sweet Schick Hydro razor.

  • - Okay, weird guy that says the full names of products.

  • - Whoa.

  • - Oh, Pete just got his first whisker.

  • - Yeah, but it was a thick one.

  • - Weird.

  • Hey, Pete, could you stay after work and quiz me?

  • I've got an exam for nursing school

  • and I could really use your help.

  • - Yeah, sure. Yeah.

  • - Thanks, Pete.

  • both: Ooh.

  • - Holy shiz.

  • - What? - Bang-a-rang.

  • - Guys, what? - Pete...

  • today's the day you become a man.

  • Now, obviously,

  • Mads wants to take your relationship to the next level.

  • - Really? - Of course, dude.

  • She just asked for your "help".

  • That's an invitation to do stuff.

  • - What stuff? - All the stuff.

  • - Front stuff. Back stuff. Side-to-side.

  • - How...do I know when... to do this stuff?

  • - All females are different.

  • Some hop around when they're ready.

  • Some shake their haunches.

  • Some simply present their genitals when they're in estrus.

  • - Look, dude, older women will just straight up tell you

  • when they're ready to do the stuff.

  • Any of your mom's friends on Facebook?

  • How about your friend's moms?

  • [upbeat music]

  • [water sloshing]

  • - Are you fingering the rim?

  • [Spanish music]

  • What you need is a little backend wetness.

  • Are you Lori?

  • - Dale Stevens, Department of Health.

  • - Oh. Wh--where's Carol?

  • - Severe cat bites. Shall I lead?

  • [pen clicks]

  • - Hot and raw. - Ex--excuse me?

  • - Your meats. They're hot and raw.

  • All raw meats are supposed to be kept under 34 degrees.

  • - I-I'm sure they should be.

  • - Your honeypot is sticky with sweetness.

  • - [moans softly]

  • - You need to wipe the spillover down to, uh,

  • avoid pupa infestation.

  • [Spanish music]

  • - The AC is out. It's not usually--

  • - A damp cavern?

  • - Yes, a damp cavern.

  • - Is this blood? - Juice.

  • There's a carpet bump and-- - Whoa!

  • - Pete! - Oh, God! Sorry!

  • - Suckling the red juice from his ungloved fingers.

  • - Stop suckling your fingers and go get a towel.

  • - Sweet Jesus.

  • - Are we-- are we failing?

  • Why are you sweating? Are we failing?

  • - I'm not sweating. Everything's normal.

  • I'm drying out my parts. - Okay.

  • [Spanish music]

  • - [growls] - Oh!

  • - So I hear you know about the stuff.

  • - What stuff? - The stuff.

  • - Oh.

  • Well...yeah.

  • Um...

  • How do I know... when...

  • to do the stuff? - Mm-hmm.

  • - She'll let you know. You know?

  • "No" is easy.

  • She'll make excuses like,

  • "My dog's sick." You know?

  • "I'm washing my hair." "I'm tired."

  • Crap like that.

  • - So...what's a "yes"?

  • - Are you getting the "yes"?

  • - Yes.

  • - Good.

  • - Good luck out there now.

  • - His nimble fingers danced

  • down her newly-formed limbs.

  • ("National Bestseller," "Pleasuring over a million women a year.") She may have been both woman and fish,

  • but he was all-- - Where have you been?

  • The juice is hardening--

  • What are you doing? That is my private, personal--

  • - I'm sorry, Lori.

  • I just wanted to know about the stuff.

  • - Is that him? - What?

  • - The voice of the Health Inspector.

  • Is he the narrator?

  • - Oh, I don't know.

  • - Is Dale the voice? - I don't know!

  • - Just go ask him.

  • He's on his way to the staff bathroom.

  • - The staff bathroom?

  • [sighs]

  • Just ask her out and don't be a jerk.

  • [Spanish music]

  • Sir. Dale--

  • - I don't know what to say here, Lori.

  • The walls are slippery.

  • There's enough viscous liquid on the floor

  • to create a lubricated frenzy.

  • - That's it! Stop it! - Excuse me?

  • - You can't come here, get me all riled up,

  • practically licking my body with your sultry voice

  • and provocative words. - What? I never intended--

  • - Are you him?

  • You're him, right? Just tell me you're him.

  • - Him who? - The voice of the erotic novel.

  • You've pleasured over a million women a year.

  • - I have? - You haven't?

  • - I haven't.

  • - Oh.

  • - What would you like me to do?

  • [Spanish music]

  • - I want you to, um...

  • [inhales sharply] Talk me off.

  • - Okay.

  • "Will you go out with me?"

  • [Spanish music]

  • - Here's your grade, kid.

  • - An "A"? We don't deserve this.

  • - But you do, Lori.

  • - [sighs] I can't take this.

  • It's not right. Just give us the grade we got.

  • - But I'd have to shut you down on the spot.

  • - Okay, give us a "B". - Okay.

  • - Now...kiss me like it's the last time, Dale.

  • - It is the last time, Lori.

  • I have to saddle up and ship off to Ohio.

  • Diphtheria outbreak in a major cracker factory.

  • - [sighs]

  • I hope you make it back alive, but if you don't,

  • we always have the staff bathroom.

  • [Spanish music]

  • - Cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

  • Heart stoppage.

  • When the heart stops, the lack of oxygenated blood

  • can cause brain damage within two minutes.

  • Ugh, I'm done.

  • I'm so done.

  • - Are you sure? Uh, there's just a couple more.

  • - Nah, I'm tired.

  • And I got to get home to wash my hair before tomorrow.

  • Plus, my dog's sick. - Oh.

  • I get it.

  • You don't have a dog. - What?

  • Of course I have a dog.

  • He's probably vomiting all over the floor right now.

  • - Wait, really?

  • Awesome.

  • Err, I, uh-- I mean I hope he gets better.

  • - Thanks, Pete.

  • - His nimble fingers

  • danced down her newly-formed limbs.

  • She may have been both woman and fish,

  • but he was all man

  • and he knew exactly how to handle

  • his taut, wet line.

  • [both inhale slowly]

  • [both sigh]

  • - Wait, did he just [bleep] a fish?

  • [upbeat music]

[Spanish music] (The Old Man Who Came At Sea)

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