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  • Hi, I'm Bruce Muzik and welcome back to another video in the series about

  • relationships and how to create one

  • deeply intimate, connected, loving, passionate,

  • sexy, juicy and lasts a lifetime.

  • Now whether you're single or your in a relationship

  • you're gonna find this video incredibly useful, because you're about to discover

  • your unique fingting style.

  • A fighting style is an unproductive way, when you react in a fight

  • with your partner that causes you to unconsciously sabotage the relationship

  • and have you experience being disconnected from your partner and

  • breakdown relationship.

  • We're gonna discover what's your unique way of doing that is.

  • Then we're gonna take a look at how to take conflict

  • and transform it into an opportunity for intimacy.

  • So, stick about coz' you're gonna find this really useful.

  • Before we begin I wanted to spell

  • a myth that exists in a popular culture and if you believe this myth

  • you're probably always going to struggle in relationships.

  • The myth is "a happy and a healthy relationship

  • is a relationship where neither party fights"; that is complete BS.

  • Now the fact is that all relationship that lasts a lifetime

  • and where the love stays alive and thrives

  • go through five consecutive stages (that be covered in detail in the first video

  • in the series), they are just very briefly: The Romance Stage,

  • The Power Struggle Stage,

  • Stability Stage, The Commitment Stage and finally The Bliss Stage.

  • The only way to get at the bliss stage is by moving through the power struggle stage.

  • Most people get stuck and break up in the power struggle stage coz that's

  • where all the fighting happens, that's where all the conflict happens.

  • Unless you have the skills to communicate, in a way that creates deep intimacy,

  • you will not be able to move through the power stuggle stage and your relationship get's

  • stuck there. You'll go round and round and round, dealing with the same issues, the same

  • conflict over and over and over untill one of two things happen:

  • You break up or you end up surviving in a relationship that's emotionaly

  • dead or just plain old boring. The third option is to learn how to love consciously.

  • Now can you see that in order to get

  • to the bliss stage of your relationship you've got to go to the power struggle stage.

  • You've got to fight, because if you don't fight,

  • you will never deal with the core issues that the power struggle stage is designed to deal with.

  • So, I want you to look at fighting in a different way.

  • What if conflict in your relationship

  • is just the two of you working out each other's differences to try and

  • navigate a way to move forward together.

  • What if you're gonna approach conflict in that way, I think you get a really different result

  • than if you thought of conflict as something to be avoided at all costs.

  • It's understandable, because you've grown up in a society where

  • fighting is considered bad and unhealthy.

  • Perhaps you've been in fights that have been really hurts,

  • you've closed down it was painful and destructive.

  • You might have learned that it's not safe to fight

  • but when your in a relationship and you're not able to fight in a healthy way,

  • you never deal with your issues to the point where they get complete (resolved).

  • So, you end up recycling those same issues round and round and round,

  • It just gets exhausting and drains the life out of your relationship,

  • can you relate? A really smart friend of mine Evan Pagan, has a unique way

  • of looking, at the power struggle. He says that,

  • "The deeper you are in love the more likely you are to fight". I think he's right,

  • because the deeper you are in love, the more you care about your relationship working.

  • The more you're really willing to do whatever it takes to work through your differences.

  • So, you can pop out the other side with a relationship that works.

  • That's a reframe for you, rather than thinking that

  • happy and healthy relationship - is a relationship where there's no fighting,

  • Think of it like this, when you're fighting it's just a sign that

  • you have a really deep and true love.

  • I like to think of two kinds of fighting, one I call reactive fighting

  • and the other one I call conscious fighting. Let's take a look at the anatomy

  • of a reactive fight. All reactive fight starts off with a trigger event.

  • This could be something as small as you partner

  • forgetting to take the trash out

  • or you came home from work and

  • she didn't hug you or kiss you hello. What ends up happening is the

  • trigger event triggers an experience of being disconnected from you and your partner.

  • You end up fighting each other (you actually end up fighting against each other).

  • When you do this you have a reactive behavior,

  • a way of fighting that escalates the fight.

  • It's like pouring fuel on the fire, instead of pouring water on the fire.

  • When this happens, you experience even more disconnection.

  • That disconnection you experience reinforces the reactive behavior.

  • You keep on reacting and you're feeling more disconnected, then

  • you react again you get even more disconnected,

  • until you're in a full-blown fight.

  • Both of you feel alienated where you don't feel connected at all.

  • Where you feeling shutdown, judged, misunderstood

  • or alone in a relationship with somebody you actually love.

  • I'm gonna let you in, on a little known secret about fighting in the power struggle stage.

  • When you get into a fight, you have a reactive behavior that

  • either explodes out, where you explode your energy out

  • or withdraws in, where you pull your energy back in and withdraw.

  • I'm gonna call the reactive behavior that explodes out "The Hailstorm"

  • and the person that withdraws I'm gonna call "The Turtle" because they

  • withdraw into their shell, right? Now you are either a hailstorm

  • or a turtle in your relationship. What tends to happen

  • is when you get into a fight and you move into this reactive behavior,

  • you'll either hailstorm or a turtle. If your the storming type,

  • you force your partner to become a turtle and withdraw;

  • coz your hailstorming on them, it's not safe your exploding your energy out of your

  • partner. Then the turtle goes AHHH! and withdraws into the shell to retreat.

  • And ofcourse if your a turtle the more you withdraw into your shel the more

  • you force your hailstorm partner to hailstorm.; cuz they're like;

  • "where did you go Im trying to communicate you disappeared on me AHHH!!!"

  • (Panick) and they start to hailstorm, hailstorm, hailstorm.

  • Does that sound familiar? Usually the hail storm is accused by the turtle

  • of being needy, being controlling, possessive

  • or just like too emotional and dramatic.

  • The tutle is accused of being cold,

  • emotionally withdrawn, disconnected, stoic or aloof.

  • Well if you can relate to this on your own relationship; firstly,

  • your normal and secondly it's just an indication that your in the power

  • struggle stage and you haven't figured out yet how to move beyond it.

  • But what ends up happening is if you stay stuck in the cycle of the hailstorm

  • and the turtle you'll never get your arguments resolved.

  • You end up recycling and repeating the same issues over and over again,

  • which leads to disconnection and a lack of trust and safety in your relationship.

  • When there's no safety because the fights have become like war zones,

  • then what ends up happening is the intimacy dies and the first thing to go is sex.

  • Sexual passion just disappears when you get stuck

  • in the power struggle stage, without learning how to create deeper intimacy

  • out of your conflict.

  • Let's take a look at an alternative, which I'm gonna call conscious fighting.

  • Now in a conscious fight you still have a trigger event,

  • but this time it's usually a new trigger event because your resolving your issues

  • as you're going, right?

  • The trigger event, triggers a disconnection between you and your partner,

  • but instead of getting into a fight with each other and hurting each

  • other what you end up doing

  • is you end up getting into a fight, but both of you in the same team,

  • fighting a common misunderstanding.

  • You're fighting for the understanding, you fight to find clarity.

  • What happens is when you find the

  • understanding between the two of you

  • and you defeat the misunderstanding you end up feeling

  • deeply connected with each other, instead of being disconnected like in the reactive fight,

  • you actually end up being more connected with each other, which creates the spin-off

  • of intimacy, right? Imagine going into a fight

  • and coming out feeling more intimately connected and loving

  • with your partner. Imagine what would happen if you did that every fight.

  • What happens is each issue gets resolved

  • and as it gets resolved you can move into the next issue,

  • until all the major issues are dealt with,

  • and there's not really anything left to fight about.

  • This is when you move beyond the power struggle stage

  • into the stability stage, the commitment stage,

  • and the bliss stage, but you can't get beyond the power struggle

  • unless you learn to master the art of contious fighting,

  • what I somtimes refer to as fighting

  • fair or fighting for love, does that make sense?

  • I'm gonna close this video with a powerful strategy a powerful mindset,

  • that will help you move from reactive fighting into conscious fighting.

  • I've noticed that a lot of people when I'm coaching them around their

  • relationship end up complaining about the partners; like,

  • "she whines and Nags all the time" or "he never takes the trash out" or

  • some kinda complaint. These complaints usually act as trigger events,

  • that trigger the cycle of the reactive fight, right? So, usually starts with a complaint;

  • like, whine, whine, whine he or she never does this right!

  • So, I wanna give you a new way of looking at partners complaints. Think of it like this -

  • underneath every complaint which partner comes to you with is a fear.

  • A fear that they may not even be aware of and a covert plea for connection.

  • Okay, I'll say it again, underneath

  • every complaint which youpartner comes to you with, is a fear

  • a fear that they may not be aware of and a covert hidden

  • plea for connection. A couple came to me recently for

  • coaching and when I asked her husband what was wrong in the relationship and

  • why they come to me for coaching,

  • he said "well you know she just unreliable she doesn't know how to

  • keep her promises she says she's gonna quit smoking and then one day