B1 Intermediate US 1045 Folder Collection
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Hi, I'm Bruce Muzik and welcome back to another video in the series about
relationships and how to create one
deeply intimate, connected, loving, passionate,
sexy, juicy and lasts a lifetime.
Now whether you're single or your in a relationship
you're gonna find this video incredibly useful, because you're about to discover
your unique fingting style.
A fighting style is an unproductive way, when you react in a fight
with your partner that causes you to unconsciously sabotage the relationship
and have you experience being disconnected from your partner and
breakdown relationship.
We're gonna discover what's your unique way of doing that is.
Then we're gonna take a look at how to take conflict
and transform it into an opportunity for intimacy.
So, stick about coz' you're gonna find this really useful.
Before we begin I wanted to spell
a myth that exists in a popular culture and if you believe this myth
you're probably always going to struggle in relationships.
The myth is "a happy and a healthy relationship
is a relationship where neither party fights"; that is complete BS.
Now the fact is that all relationship that lasts a lifetime
and where the love stays alive and thrives
go through five consecutive stages (that be covered in detail in the first video
in the series), they are just very briefly: The Romance Stage,
The Power Struggle Stage,
Stability Stage, The Commitment Stage and finally The Bliss Stage.
The only way to get at the bliss stage is by moving through the power struggle stage.
Most people get stuck and break up in the power struggle stage coz that's
where all the fighting happens, that's where all the conflict happens.
Unless you have the skills to communicate, in a way that creates deep intimacy,
you will not be able to move through the power stuggle stage and your relationship get's
stuck there. You'll go round and round and round, dealing with the same issues, the same
conflict over and over and over untill one of two things happen:
You break up or you end up surviving in a relationship that's emotionaly
dead or just plain old boring. The third option is to learn how to love consciously.
Now can you see that in order to get
to the bliss stage of your relationship you've got to go to the power struggle stage.
You've got to fight, because if you don't fight,
you will never deal with the core issues that the power struggle stage is designed to deal with.
So, I want you to look at fighting in a different way.
What if conflict in your relationship
is just the two of you working out each other's differences to try and
navigate a way to move forward together.
What if you're gonna approach conflict in that way, I think you get a really different result
than if you thought of conflict as something to be avoided at all costs.
It's understandable, because you've grown up in a society where
fighting is considered bad and unhealthy.
Perhaps you've been in fights that have been really hurts,
you've closed down it was painful and destructive.
You might have learned that it's not safe to fight
but when your in a relationship and you're not able to fight in a healthy way,
you never deal with your issues to the point where they get complete (resolved).
So, you end up recycling those same issues round and round and round,
It just gets exhausting and drains the life out of your relationship,
can you relate? A really smart friend of mine Evan Pagan, has a unique way
of looking, at the power struggle. He says that,
"The deeper you are in love the more likely you are to fight". I think he's right,
because the deeper you are in love, the more you care about your relationship working.
The more you're really willing to do whatever it takes to work through your differences.
So, you can pop out the other side with a relationship that works.
That's a reframe for you, rather than thinking that
happy and healthy relationship - is a relationship where there's no fighting,
Think of it like this, when you're fighting it's just a sign that
you have a really deep and true love.
I like to think of two kinds of fighting, one I call reactive fighting
and the other one I call conscious fighting. Let's take a look at the anatomy
of a reactive fight. All reactive fight starts off with a trigger event.
This could be something as small as you partner
forgetting to take the trash out
or you came home from work and
she didn't hug you or kiss you hello. What ends up happening is the
trigger event triggers an experience of being disconnected from you and your partner.
You end up fighting each other (you actually end up fighting against each other).
When you do this you have a reactive behavior,
a way of fighting that escalates the fight.
It's like pouring fuel on the fire, instead of pouring water on the fire.
When this happens, you experience even more disconnection.
That disconnection you experience reinforces the reactive behavior.
You keep on reacting and you're feeling more disconnected, then
you react again you get even more disconnected,
until you're in a full-blown fight.
Both of you feel alienated where you don't feel connected at all.
Where you feeling shutdown, judged, misunderstood
or alone in a relationship with somebody you actually love.
I'm gonna let you in, on a little known secret about fighting in the power struggle stage.
When you get into a fight, you have a reactive behavior that
either explodes out, where you explode your energy out
or withdraws in, where you pull your energy back in and withdraw.
I'm gonna call the reactive behavior that explodes out "The Hailstorm"
and the person that withdraws I'm gonna call "The Turtle" because they
withdraw into their shell, right? Now you are either a hailstorm
or a turtle in your relationship. What tends to happen
is when you get into a fight and you move into this reactive behavior,
you'll either hailstorm or a turtle. If your the storming type,
you force your partner to become a turtle and withdraw;
coz your hailstorming on them, it's not safe your exploding your energy out of your
partner. Then the turtle goes AHHH! and withdraws into the shell to retreat.
And ofcourse if your a turtle the more you withdraw into your shel the more
you force your hailstorm partner to hailstorm.; cuz they're like;
"where did you go Im trying to communicate you disappeared on me AHHH!!!"
(Panick) and they start to hailstorm, hailstorm, hailstorm.
Does that sound familiar? Usually the hail storm is accused by the turtle
of being needy, being controlling, possessive
or just like too emotional and dramatic.
The tutle is accused of being cold,
emotionally withdrawn, disconnected, stoic or aloof.
Well if you can relate to this on your own relationship; firstly,
your normal and secondly it's just an indication that your in the power
struggle stage and you haven't figured out yet how to move beyond it.
But what ends up happening is if you stay stuck in the cycle of the hailstorm
and the turtle you'll never get your arguments resolved.
You end up recycling and repeating the same issues over and over again,
which leads to disconnection and a lack of trust and safety in your relationship.
When there's no safety because the fights have become like war zones,
then what ends up happening is the intimacy dies and the first thing to go is sex.
Sexual passion just disappears when you get stuck
in the power struggle stage, without learning how to create deeper intimacy
out of your conflict.
Let's take a look at an alternative, which I'm gonna call conscious fighting.
Now in a conscious fight you still have a trigger event,
but this time it's usually a new trigger event because your resolving your issues
as you're going, right?
The trigger event, triggers a disconnection between you and your partner,
but instead of getting into a fight with each other and hurting each
other what you end up doing
is you end up getting into a fight, but both of you in the same team,
fighting a common misunderstanding.
You're fighting for the understanding, you fight to find clarity.
What happens is when you find the
understanding between the two of you
and you defeat the misunderstanding you end up feeling
deeply connected with each other, instead of being disconnected like in the reactive fight,
you actually end up being more connected with each other, which creates the spin-off
of intimacy, right? Imagine going into a fight
and coming out feeling more intimately connected and loving
with your partner. Imagine what would happen if you did that every fight.
What happens is each issue gets resolved
and as it gets resolved you can move into the next issue,
until all the major issues are dealt with,
and there's not really anything left to fight about.
This is when you move beyond the power struggle stage
into the stability stage, the commitment stage,
and the bliss stage, but you can't get beyond the power struggle
unless you learn to master the art of contious fighting,
what I somtimes refer to as fighting
fair or fighting for love, does that make sense?
I'm gonna close this video with a powerful strategy a powerful mindset,
that will help you move from reactive fighting into conscious fighting.
I've noticed that a lot of people when I'm coaching them around their
relationship end up complaining about the partners; like,
"she whines and Nags all the time" or "he never takes the trash out" or
some kinda complaint. These complaints usually act as trigger events,
that trigger the cycle of the reactive fight, right? So, usually starts with a complaint;
like, whine, whine, whine he or she never does this right!
So, I wanna give you a new way of looking at partners complaints. Think of it like this -
underneath every complaint which partner comes to you with is a fear.
A fear that they may not even be aware of and a covert plea for connection.
Okay, I'll say it again, underneath
every complaint which youpartner comes to you with, is a fear
a fear that they may not be aware of and a covert hidden
plea for connection. A couple came to me recently for
coaching and when I asked her husband what was wrong in the relationship and
why they come to me for coaching,
he said "well you know she just unreliable she doesn't know how to
keep her promises she says she's gonna quit smoking and then one day
I find her out in the backyard smoking", and she goes
"I don't understand what the big deal is and I'm just having a cigarette every once in a while,
I'm aloud to change my mind if I want to". And so we started to
unpack this complaint that they have with each other. Her complaint is that he overreacts;
his complaint is that she's unreliable. What we discovered,is that, there was a
deep-seated fear under her smoking.
His complaint had nothing to do with smoking, because she had promised him
that he was gonna quit smoking. He discovered her smoking.
He made that mean, his story was that she
was and reliable, that she couldn't keep her promises
and that he couldn't keep a simple promise like quitting smoking,
how is she even gonna keep their relationship vows?
How is she ever gonna feel faithful?
His fear was that she would abandon him and for him,
her smokng equalled she was gonna abandon him.
His covert plea, was a plea for connection, what he was really saying
when he was complaining about the smoking was,
"please don't leave me, please be reliable, please love me, please don't abandon me"
When she saw this she had so much compassion for him.
When he saw this about himself, he suddenly realized,
"Ohhh it has actually nothing to do with the smoking.
I'm just really insecure right now" and they could start to work on the real
issue and start to work on the issue of insecurity,
that they walked out one coaching session
head over heels in love with each other again. Having resolved this
issue and understanding each other on a much deeper level and having a renewed
sense of compassion and understanding in their relationship.
So, now it's time for you to do the work in your relationship to learn how to fight consciously.
To help you with this I've included a PDF link down below this video,
that's gonna walk you through discovering your hidden
fear and your covert plea,
in the most common complaints that you have about a partner.
Then you can take this exercise and do it with your partner and discover
their most common complaint about you and what they're hidden fear is behind
that and what their covert plea is.
Talk about this with your partner and actually understand yourself
(what your deepest fear is and how you go about pleading for connection), will help
you break that patern and that cycle in your relationship.
Also in the exercises I'm gonna give you a little quiz to help you discover whether or not
you're a hailstorm or a turtle.
If your still on the offense I'm not quite sure which one you are.
So download the pdf down below, print it out and do the exercises.
I'll see you soon with the third video in the series,
where we're going to take a look at how you can create instant connection
at any moment with your partner, especially when your in conflict.
I really hope you found this video useful and you can take what
you've learned in the last 15 minutes and apply it in your relationship right
away, to create deep intimacy, connection,
trust, love, passionate hot sex whatever it is you want in your relationship.
If you did and you know somebody else who might find this video useful too
please share this with them click the Like button down below and share it on
Facebook.
I would love to hear your questions and your comments, so please feel free to
leav a comment down below
and I'll do my best to answer it in an upcoming video.
Keep an eye on your inbox, because I will be sending you the third video in this series
very soon, where we will be taking a look at how to create
instant connection with your partner. I'm gonna teach you one of the most powerful
communication tools
I know to create connection with another human being. I'm Bruce
have yourself a phenomenal day and I'll talk to you soon, bye!
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Relationship Advice: Discover Your Fighting Style in Relationships

1045 Folder Collection
Pedroli Li published on February 6, 2016
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